A Historical shift begins today, as the GOP-led House has voted to impeach Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas. He is now the first Cabinet secretary to be impeached in nearly 150 years, but once folks found out he was Cuban, it was no surprise to them.

“Oh, well, I mean, he sure looked like one of us, but we knew deep down inside something was wrong whenever he told anyone his name. THEN you could hear the Mexican come out,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “Oh, no. I know he’s Cuban, but Cubans are just a different brand of Mexican. Like, Diet-Mexican, I guess? I dunno, I don’t really know much about all the different types of Mexicans there are out there. Like what’s the difference between a Dominican and Puerto Rican Mexican? Right? Who knows?!”

Overtly disgusted by the ignorant and racist statements coming out of the House GOP, Democrats are trying to mobilize against the rhetoric, but think they may need to use it to their advantage, first. “Oh, we’re going to slip some things into the bill to get aid to Israel and Ukraine. Since the GOP doesn’t really know geography very well, we will refer to the Ukraine and Israel as parts of Texas needing funds to keep out Mexicans at their border. This should pass, easy,” offered up House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries.

It’s not the worst idea. Republicans are definitely the Elmer Fudds of politics and thus a Bugs Bunny style trick like this may very well work.

The post House GOP Impeaches Cuban-American Alejandro Mayorkas Because “Cubans Are Just A Different Brand Of Mexican” first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

In our darkest hour, hopeful recipients of the paper stimulus checks that were promised to help offset the negative impact of the Covid-19 (Coronavirus) impact on the American Economy were incredibly disappointed to find out that they would have to wait even longer for a small amount of satisfaction.

It was as if Donald Trump himself had climbed into bed with the United States, as millions found out that they would be disappointed by his actions as President, yet again. While many folks had already received their direct deposits for Covid relief, many more would have to wait.

Donald Trump decided that the checks that had already been printed by the US Treasury were not good enough. They need to have his official stamp on it. Instead of putting his John Hancock on it, he decided to go with the small hand’s cock instead. Yes, tiny watermarks of his very own micro-penis would be used as security measure to protect from counterfeit reproduction of these checks. It was too late, however, to save us from the reproduction of his DNA, as even his ugliest son (we can’t choose which one, either) has had children.

The tiny Trump penii checks should be finished printing in a week or two, further delaying the financial relief of so many who have lost jobs, work and loved ones because of this terrible pandemic. It’s unfortunate that this further reminder of our President’s failure in both the oval office and in oval orifices would leave the public unsatisfied, without relief and just plain pissed, yet again.

The post Stimulus Checks Halted To Print Tiny Trump Penis first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

The United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit doesn’t just have a ridiculously long name, they also clarified something we all already knew: Trump has been unconstitutional. By blocking people he doesn’t agree with on Twitter, he is excluding them from an open on-line dialogue, which is prohibited by the First Amendment.

Well, this is great news for everyone who’s wanted to throw virtual tomatoes at our current President on Twitter, but were unceremoniously blocked by him. That’s right, you too can call him “an orange-tinged, baboon scrotum” and he just has to swallow whatever is left of his pride and take it.

No longer can he hit the block button on you when you’re all like, “rot in a pile of camel excrement, you over-boiled sack of cheddar vomit.” Finally, he has to hear what everyone thinks of him without the freedom to block it all out. Sure, there will be the occasional fool that bothers to compliment him, but they will most likely have a screen name like @RussianHackyBoiz or something, but it won’t stop the rest of us from saying what we mean.

So go ahead, call Trump a “boil-infested, shit-eating Satan baby,” or an “ugly, corpulent, puss-encrusted man-child with a micropenis” on social media! Regale him with your taunts, name calling and comparisons to various cheese products gone bad. You’re within your legal rights!

The post You Can Call Trump A Boil-Infested, Shit-Eating Satan Baby And He Just Has To Take It first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Despite the popularity of fictional stories, cartoons and pornographic material depicting mermaids or mermen, the CDC confirmed today that fish/human hybrids do not exist.

We know this may come to be very disappointing for some, but we’re very happy to get this confirmation, as tension has been building up thanks to a few issues that we need to address.

1. Securing our borders – What would the point of a wall between us and Mexico be if fish people could just swim to any beach on the USA and come in to the country that way? Any money spent developing a land-block solution would be a waste.
   
2. Thanks to films like The Little Mermaid and The Shape of Water, our children, and some adults, will really want to meet and eventually mate with said mer-people. This would pollute the human genome and also inevitably open us up to a whole new slew of bacteria, viruses and STDs.
   
3. The Fecal Bacteria problem – our waters have a very large issue with being unsafe thanks to an over abundance of fecal bacteria. Many folks thought that this was thanks to mermaids just taking their leisurely dumps in the ocean, but this apparently not the case. Now we definitely know that we must find a human solution to this problem and not defer to sea royalty in order for it to be fixed.

Now that we have this information, will companies like Disney get smarter about how they portray mermaids and mermen in the future? Maybe we should ignore this type of fiction all-together, as we wouldn’t want to confuse our children into thinking that human-fish hybrids exist, or that one could communicate with all creatures of the sea. Children are obviously idiots and could never make the distinction between animated fiction featuring a fake species and what we actually have in the real world.

The post Fish-Human Hybrids Still Don’t Exist first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

We were all there and we all remember what it felt like. All of a sudden you couldn’t see the faces of those you loved. No more memes, no more photos of your neighbor’s garbage for sale. It wasn’t just Facebook, but Instagram, Whatsapp and Facebook for Workplaces. Almost no corner of social media was safe, like some kind of visual social media Rapture. But could this photographic “white out” have been divine? Could God really have had anything to do it? One priest in Kenel, South Dakota seems to think so.

Father Horace Sickendick is pretty certain that the LGBTQ Pride Parades at the end of June have something to do with it.

“God just couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t want us to have to see all this nekkidness, half–naked men with bulging biceps, dancing in the streets. Girls with their tops off with paint covering their nipples… what were they all thinking? Did they think that they could do all this stuff and there would be no consequences?” Father Sickendick goes on to say that it wasn’t just what they were doing out there, but how many photos people were uploading really did the number.

“I lost track of how many hundreds and thousands of photos I saw. Just one after the other, of gay men booty dancing in the streets, hugging and kissing each other. I must have seen at least 10,000 photos of this stuff before I had to call it a night and take a shower. These images wouldn’t leave my mind the whole time I was in there, cleansing every last inch of myself after seeing this stuff. God doesn’t want us to see it all, that’s why he killed the photos on Facebook.” Father Sickendick went on to show us a few examples he had saved on his phone just to make such talking points. As he went through the images, he made sure to point out the “really bad” ones of the hundreds he had saved on his phone.

Could it really be? Could there have been divine intervention, making images simply not work all over social media for one day? Why the day before America’s birthday? Why just one day, if it’s because of the Pride parades? Well, if it was that then God no longer cares as everything is back to normal and totally visible for all of us to see. 24 hours of divine censorship doesn’t sound like a really good plan, but at least now we can be accepting of everyone again.

The post Priest Blames Pride Parade Photos For Facebook Downtime first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Hello,

We see you’re trying to read “What Happens If We Lose Net Neutrality?” on the website, http://www.hoofandtrunk.com .

As you have not paid your full allotment for “SATIRE” for this month, please insert $5 into your computer.

If you do not comply we are afraid that we can not allow you to read the rest of this article.

Thank you,

The FCC by way of your Internet Service Provider

Seriously, though…

The post What Happens If We Lose Net Neutrality? first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

In the light of the fact that the Supreme Court is allowing President Donald Trump’s latest travel ban on six Muslim-majority nations to go into effect, the grading of the court has declined, sharply into Inferior territory.

With the initial Islamophobic bans threatening to put the court system into Adequate Court territory, that crisis was averted in July when they denied the ban. This time, however, the fact that they have passed it, pending appeals, after previously denying it pushed them beyond Adequate, below Sub-par and straight into Inferior Court territory.

If the motion, post appeals, somehow were to dissolve and not be instituted, it is unknown, at this point, if the Court would return to it’s Superior status or go without an adjective all together.

We’re not sure what impact and adjective-less Court would have on American policy, but currently we’re really just worried about this Inferior Court business.

Experts agree that a similar ban on Christian and Right-wing extremists leaving the United States would do well to at least make things seem a little more equal, since they generally kill more people in the USA than Islamic extremists, but we think that’s still not enough to justify the death of our status as a nation of immigrants.

The post Supreme Court Status Lowered To Inferior Court first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

As we are all eagerly awaiting the results of the many secret probes happening in Washington DC, the anticipation on word about the definite collusion of Donald Trump’s campaign with Russian intelligence is highest on our priority list. We’ve been digging deep while these probes are happening, and it looks like we may have found a few bombshells of our own.

Tied to Donald Trump’s Twitter account were a few of his apps. One of those apps, Spotify, had recently been removed, however, nothing on the internet goes away for good. Our savvy tech team took it upon themselves to gain access to his favorite playlists, and sure enough, we found something.

Amidst all the creepy songs like, Maurice Chevalier’s “Thank Heaven For Little Girls”, The Mills Brothers “Daddy’s Little Girl” and The Police’s “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” were the entire Gorky Park discography. If you’re not familiar with Gorky Park, they are a Russian glam band that hit it big in the USA with their first major release, featuring the single “Bang.”

With lyrics like “Give it in or give it out, We can blow it up!” and “Bang bang, say ‘da da da!’ Nothin’ less, I want to hear a yes!” it’s clear to see why he was obsessed with this band and Russia in general. The idea of explosions, blowing things up and not taking no for an answer all appeal to a man who has been threatening to nuke our “enemies” and likes to brag about grabbing the genitals of women who are not interested or available to him. Considering his obvious past as a sexual harassment trial waiting to happen, a song that showcases his rapey ways makes perfect sense in his library. The lack of an extensive vocabulary also appeals to Trump, as he generally can’t handle more than a few words in a short period of time.

Considering his obvious attraction to women from Slavic countries and Eastern Europe in general, it’s no surprise that his fandom of all things Russian would extend itself to USSR relics, bad hair and glam metal bands from that period and the comedy of Yakov Smirnoff.

We’re hoping to dig deeper and find more clues into his past, but we need to get beyond the 700+ tracks of Kids Bop that are impeding our progress on his playlists.

The post Trump’s Secret Soviet Past Tied To Gorky Park first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

In a surprise announcement, the White House confirmed today that it threw out a bag of rotting cottage cheese two weeks ago. This information came as a surprise to many as they thought that disgusting bag of stinking, white refuse would never be tossed out into the garbage where it belongs.

Oddly enough, the sent of rancid, dairy air can still be detected all around the White House as hardly anyone noticed a change.

“It’s still awful in here. I mean, just this weekend were were asking ourselves when the gross lumps of regurgitated cow fat would be out of here since the influence was felt in every speech that Trump had to deliver. We had no idea that it had already been sent to the landfill,” an unnamed White House aide that did not want to be identified told us.

Considering the intense rotten smells and feeling that hangs heavy in the air of Washington DC, many were shocked to see that getting rid of this sack of curdling curds did nothing to stop horrid reality we’ve all had to live with there for the past few months.

There was no reason given for why this rancid sack of scum was thrown out but we just as soon accepted the notion that there is never a reason needed to get rid of stinking slop and unwanted rubbish.

The post Rotting Bag Of Cottage Cheese Thrown Out Of White House Two Weeks Ago But It Still Stinks first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

While the rest of the United States was shocked and mortified over the sudden realization that World War 2 never quite ended, the head Nazi-In-Chief set his sights on starting World War 3.

Determined to out-nuke each other, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un sent each other text messages, tweets and passive-aggressive e-mails detailing just how bigger and better one’s nuclear prowess was. The two child-like menaces spent hours gambling with millions of lives hanging in the balance, as they sorted out their obvious hang-ups with the need to over-compensate for their fragile masculinity and tiny genitalia.

Finally, they agreed to a cock-fight to be held in a yet unnamed neutral territory which will be televised the world over. The United States has enlisted the help of James Cameron to use his film-making ingenuity and technological background in order to be able to capture the micro-penis sword-fight to the death in full detail.

The date for this bought is currently being finalized, as well as the rules and regulations. In order to avoid potential war crimes, very specific details are being hashed out, like the banning of any outside ordinance, such as implants, chemical enhancements or stunt-cocks from being used in the fight.

Security will be beefed up at this event, as the obvious fix for most of the world’s problems would be to eradicate these two morons off of the face of the planet, but we can’t have nice things so instead we’ll have to deal with them both existing for the moment.

The post Trump and Kim Jong-un To Battle To The Death In Micro-Penis Sword-fight first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.