A Historical shift begins today, as the GOP-led House has voted to impeach Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas. He is now the first Cabinet secretary to be impeached in nearly 150 years, but once folks found out he was Cuban, it was no surprise to them.

“Oh, well, I mean, he sure looked like one of us, but we knew deep down inside something was wrong whenever he told anyone his name. THEN you could hear the Mexican come out,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “Oh, no. I know he’s Cuban, but Cubans are just a different brand of Mexican. Like, Diet-Mexican, I guess? I dunno, I don’t really know much about all the different types of Mexicans there are out there. Like what’s the difference between a Dominican and Puerto Rican Mexican? Right? Who knows?!”

Overtly disgusted by the ignorant and racist statements coming out of the House GOP, Democrats are trying to mobilize against the rhetoric, but think they may need to use it to their advantage, first. “Oh, we’re going to slip some things into the bill to get aid to Israel and Ukraine. Since the GOP doesn’t really know geography very well, we will refer to the Ukraine and Israel as parts of Texas needing funds to keep out Mexicans at their border. This should pass, easy,” offered up House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries.

It’s not the worst idea. Republicans are definitely the Elmer Fudds of politics and thus a Bugs Bunny style trick like this may very well work.

The post House GOP Impeaches Cuban-American Alejandro Mayorkas Because “Cubans Are Just A Different Brand Of Mexican” first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

The United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit doesn’t just have a ridiculously long name, they also clarified something we all already knew: Trump has been unconstitutional. By blocking people he doesn’t agree with on Twitter, he is excluding them from an open on-line dialogue, which is prohibited by the First Amendment.

Well, this is great news for everyone who’s wanted to throw virtual tomatoes at our current President on Twitter, but were unceremoniously blocked by him. That’s right, you too can call him “an orange-tinged, baboon scrotum” and he just has to swallow whatever is left of his pride and take it.

No longer can he hit the block button on you when you’re all like, “rot in a pile of camel excrement, you over-boiled sack of cheddar vomit.” Finally, he has to hear what everyone thinks of him without the freedom to block it all out. Sure, there will be the occasional fool that bothers to compliment him, but they will most likely have a screen name like @RussianHackyBoiz or something, but it won’t stop the rest of us from saying what we mean.

So go ahead, call Trump a “boil-infested, shit-eating Satan baby,” or an “ugly, corpulent, puss-encrusted man-child with a micropenis” on social media! Regale him with your taunts, name calling and comparisons to various cheese products gone bad. You’re within your legal rights!

The post You Can Call Trump A Boil-Infested, Shit-Eating Satan Baby And He Just Has To Take It first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Despite the popularity of fictional stories, cartoons and pornographic material depicting mermaids or mermen, the CDC confirmed today that fish/human hybrids do not exist.

We know this may come to be very disappointing for some, but we’re very happy to get this confirmation, as tension has been building up thanks to a few issues that we need to address.

1. Securing our borders – What would the point of a wall between us and Mexico be if fish people could just swim to any beach on the USA and come in to the country that way? Any money spent developing a land-block solution would be a waste.
   
2. Thanks to films like The Little Mermaid and The Shape of Water, our children, and some adults, will really want to meet and eventually mate with said mer-people. This would pollute the human genome and also inevitably open us up to a whole new slew of bacteria, viruses and STDs.
   
3. The Fecal Bacteria problem – our waters have a very large issue with being unsafe thanks to an over abundance of fecal bacteria. Many folks thought that this was thanks to mermaids just taking their leisurely dumps in the ocean, but this apparently not the case. Now we definitely know that we must find a human solution to this problem and not defer to sea royalty in order for it to be fixed.

Now that we have this information, will companies like Disney get smarter about how they portray mermaids and mermen in the future? Maybe we should ignore this type of fiction all-together, as we wouldn’t want to confuse our children into thinking that human-fish hybrids exist, or that one could communicate with all creatures of the sea. Children are obviously idiots and could never make the distinction between animated fiction featuring a fake species and what we actually have in the real world.

The post Fish-Human Hybrids Still Don’t Exist first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

We were all there and we all remember what it felt like. All of a sudden you couldn’t see the faces of those you loved. No more memes, no more photos of your neighbor’s garbage for sale. It wasn’t just Facebook, but Instagram, Whatsapp and Facebook for Workplaces. Almost no corner of social media was safe, like some kind of visual social media Rapture. But could this photographic “white out” have been divine? Could God really have had anything to do it? One priest in Kenel, South Dakota seems to think so.

Father Horace Sickendick is pretty certain that the LGBTQ Pride Parades at the end of June have something to do with it.

“God just couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t want us to have to see all this nekkidness, half–naked men with bulging biceps, dancing in the streets. Girls with their tops off with paint covering their nipples… what were they all thinking? Did they think that they could do all this stuff and there would be no consequences?” Father Sickendick goes on to say that it wasn’t just what they were doing out there, but how many photos people were uploading really did the number.

“I lost track of how many hundreds and thousands of photos I saw. Just one after the other, of gay men booty dancing in the streets, hugging and kissing each other. I must have seen at least 10,000 photos of this stuff before I had to call it a night and take a shower. These images wouldn’t leave my mind the whole time I was in there, cleansing every last inch of myself after seeing this stuff. God doesn’t want us to see it all, that’s why he killed the photos on Facebook.” Father Sickendick went on to show us a few examples he had saved on his phone just to make such talking points. As he went through the images, he made sure to point out the “really bad” ones of the hundreds he had saved on his phone.

Could it really be? Could there have been divine intervention, making images simply not work all over social media for one day? Why the day before America’s birthday? Why just one day, if it’s because of the Pride parades? Well, if it was that then God no longer cares as everything is back to normal and totally visible for all of us to see. 24 hours of divine censorship doesn’t sound like a really good plan, but at least now we can be accepting of everyone again.

The post Priest Blames Pride Parade Photos For Facebook Downtime first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Hello,

We see you’re trying to read “What Happens If We Lose Net Neutrality?” on the website, http://www.hoofandtrunk.com .

As you have not paid your full allotment for “SATIRE” for this month, please insert $5 into your computer.

If you do not comply we are afraid that we can not allow you to read the rest of this article.

Thank you,

The FCC by way of your Internet Service Provider

Seriously, though…

The post What Happens If We Lose Net Neutrality? first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

In the light of the fact that the Supreme Court is allowing President Donald Trump’s latest travel ban on six Muslim-majority nations to go into effect, the grading of the court has declined, sharply into Inferior territory.

With the initial Islamophobic bans threatening to put the court system into Adequate Court territory, that crisis was averted in July when they denied the ban. This time, however, the fact that they have passed it, pending appeals, after previously denying it pushed them beyond Adequate, below Sub-par and straight into Inferior Court territory.

If the motion, post appeals, somehow were to dissolve and not be instituted, it is unknown, at this point, if the Court would return to it’s Superior status or go without an adjective all together.

We’re not sure what impact and adjective-less Court would have on American policy, but currently we’re really just worried about this Inferior Court business.

Experts agree that a similar ban on Christian and Right-wing extremists leaving the United States would do well to at least make things seem a little more equal, since they generally kill more people in the USA than Islamic extremists, but we think that’s still not enough to justify the death of our status as a nation of immigrants.

The post Supreme Court Status Lowered To Inferior Court first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

In a stunning victory for black market organ dealers and 3rd world unlicensed surgeons, 217 American House Republicans unknowingly signed up to have their kidneys, livers and other internal organs harvested.

As they fought to dismantled the Affordable Care Act, they had no idea that they were signing themselves up to be found cold, naked and confused in a bathtub filled with ice. As a major blow against the average human in the USA was dealt, those in black market medical practices are incredibly happy with today’s outcome.

“We’re going to do so much business with these parts. It’s going to be like Christmas for anyone who needs a good kidney. You see, these senators and congressmen all have decent health plans and they don’t care what they do to anyone else’s lives, so they are perfect organ candidates. We generally don’t give a crap about where these organs come from, as long as they are nice, fresh and clean. Having decent healthcare, however, narrows down our targets, immensely. Sure, the Democrats would be nice targets, too, but we rather get processing organs from people who don’t smoke so much weed,” street-level surgeon, Siddhartha “The Slicer” Singh told us, today.

Since the average american will be losing their healthcare, the prospects are narrowed down to those with money or cushy government jobs. With these folks just lining up to support a system where amateur medicine, self-medicating and home remedies take over the affordable prospects of healthcare, it only makes sense that they also be viewed as the first folks to steal organs from when they are needed.

There is no word on when the first organs will be harvested but we expect a few “accidents” will be happening shortly.

The post 217 Republican Names Have Been Added To Black Market Organ Harvesting List first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

After making some bumbling statements regarding the Civil War and Andrew Jackson, President Donald Trump has released a statement to revisit the conversation and clarify his earlier comments on the conflict:

“After watching the video evidence, I’d like to talk a little bit more about this Civil War. I mean, it was a huge deal, you know? Like, when America makes wars we make them the biggest, so this one we had with ourselves is in the top 5, like maybe 3 of all time wars in the world. It’s big, really big stuff.

Now, so, with this war, you see, we just couldn’t agree with ourselves. I don’t get it, you know? Why couldn’t they just work this one out? Well, when it comes down to it, it is very simple. It’s a very simple problem, okay? You just listen to the rich guy. Seriously, like you listen to Tony Stark. Why do you care about Bucky? It makes no sense. This Winter Soldier guy, he’s a loser. I mean real heroes don’t get caught. He was caught by Hydra and they turned him against his own people. I am a fan of the guys who don’t get caught. Those are the guys I like.

So, really, the guy with the money, Mr. big bucks, Tony Stark, you listen to him. You know? He knows what he’s talking about. He’s been selling weapons to the military for years. He obviously knows what’s a big deal. You don’t listen to this guy who was just a solider. He’s not even from this time period. Those are really old ideas. You need to make America great again but not with some guy who feels like he traveled through time. I mean, that’s just stupid. He cares about losers. His friend is the biggest loser and he’s willing to just throw it all away because of him.

Anyhow, the whole fight could have been avoided if both sides could just come to some agreement and worked things out and avoided it. You know who could have fixed it? Nick Fury. If he would have just stuck around long enough, this would not have even happened. He would have fixed everything and the war would never have happened and a young kid like Peter Parker would never have to go to war before his time. I mean, he’s just like, 15 or something.

Anyhow, Hail Hydra.”

The post Trump Sides With Billionaire Tony Stark In Civil War first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

We have some sad news to report, today, as the oft spoken of Good Guy With A Gun was found dead this morning. Authorities are still not sure if the gunshot wound is indicative of a homicide or if it was self-inflicted, but those details will be released later after further investigation is completed.

The legendary Good Guy With A Gun has been talked about for years, always admired by the NRA and Second Amendment rights activists. Seldom seen but always talked about, he’s known to show up, just in the nick of time, to stop the infamous Bad Guys With Guns. Though his appearances have been incredibly sparse, he still was given the same respect and reverence as if he had been there to stop the thousands upon thousands of deaths due to gun violence in the USA every year.

Whether it has been school shootings, liquor store robberies, assassination attempts, gang murders, domestic violence, workplace violence, sexual assault murders or just bumbling idiots that don’t know how to handle a firearm properly, the Good Guy With A Gun was someone you could count on to show up to stop it… once out of every few million cases.

Yeah, he really sucked at his job but the world still loves just the idea of him, despite his poor work performance.

He will be missed and mourned. Hopefully it was a suicide, because if the Good Guy With A Gun couldn’t have saved himself from being killed by a Bad Guy With A Gun, we’re going to have to start hoping for a Better Guy With A Gun to show up and deliver us from future terrors.

The post Legendary Good Guy With A Gun Found Shot To Death first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

While most people associate Mountain Dew to be the beverage of extremism, the USA has launched an attack on a Syrian air base using 59 Tomahawk missiles loaded to the brim with Pepsi.

Now known as the soda of peace and tolerance, US Officials told us that the hope was that the Assad regime would take in some of the sweet soft drink and “chill the f*ck out.”

Usually known to kill people through the classic means, like diabetes and cancer, Pepsi falling from the sky is sure to be a new, cool refreshing way to die. There is no more fitting way fore the USA to show it’s force an power than to overload the bodies of dying Syrians with high-fructose corn syrup.

After the chemical strikes happened recently, killing 100 civilians, the USA decided it needed to #jointheconversation and intervene with a bold, crisp taste that sweetens the smile and stops the hearts of the oppressive.

As of this time neither the White House press secretary nor Pepsi’s PR agency were available for comments.

The post US Launches 59 Missiles Loaded With Pepsi At Syria first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.