We were all there and we all remember what it felt like. All of a sudden you couldn’t see the faces of those you loved. No more memes, no more photos of your neighbor’s garbage for sale. It wasn’t just Facebook, but Instagram, Whatsapp and Facebook for Workplaces. Almost no corner of social media was safe, like some kind of visual social media Rapture. But could this photographic “white out” have been divine? Could God really have had anything to do it? One priest in Kenel, South Dakota seems to think so.

Father Horace Sickendick is pretty certain that the LGBTQ Pride Parades at the end of June have something to do with it.

“God just couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t want us to have to see all this nekkidness, half–naked men with bulging biceps, dancing in the streets. Girls with their tops off with paint covering their nipples… what were they all thinking? Did they think that they could do all this stuff and there would be no consequences?” Father Sickendick goes on to say that it wasn’t just what they were doing out there, but how many photos people were uploading really did the number.

“I lost track of how many hundreds and thousands of photos I saw. Just one after the other, of gay men booty dancing in the streets, hugging and kissing each other. I must have seen at least 10,000 photos of this stuff before I had to call it a night and take a shower. These images wouldn’t leave my mind the whole time I was in there, cleansing every last inch of myself after seeing this stuff. God doesn’t want us to see it all, that’s why he killed the photos on Facebook.” Father Sickendick went on to show us a few examples he had saved on his phone just to make such talking points. As he went through the images, he made sure to point out the “really bad” ones of the hundreds he had saved on his phone.

Could it really be? Could there have been divine intervention, making images simply not work all over social media for one day? Why the day before America’s birthday? Why just one day, if it’s because of the Pride parades? Well, if it was that then God no longer cares as everything is back to normal and totally visible for all of us to see. 24 hours of divine censorship doesn’t sound like a really good plan, but at least now we can be accepting of everyone again.

The post Priest Blames Pride Parade Photos For Facebook Downtime first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

In the light of the fact that the Supreme Court is allowing President Donald Trump’s latest travel ban on six Muslim-majority nations to go into effect, the grading of the court has declined, sharply into Inferior territory.

With the initial Islamophobic bans threatening to put the court system into Adequate Court territory, that crisis was averted in July when they denied the ban. This time, however, the fact that they have passed it, pending appeals, after previously denying it pushed them beyond Adequate, below Sub-par and straight into Inferior Court territory.

If the motion, post appeals, somehow were to dissolve and not be instituted, it is unknown, at this point, if the Court would return to it’s Superior status or go without an adjective all together.

We’re not sure what impact and adjective-less Court would have on American policy, but currently we’re really just worried about this Inferior Court business.

Experts agree that a similar ban on Christian and Right-wing extremists leaving the United States would do well to at least make things seem a little more equal, since they generally kill more people in the USA than Islamic extremists, but we think that’s still not enough to justify the death of our status as a nation of immigrants.

The post Supreme Court Status Lowered To Inferior Court first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) also known as the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), or the Islamic State (IS), and by its Arabic language acronym Daesh, is apparently willing to take credit for just about any and all tragedies that befall the world. Despite their apparent identity crisis, they sure know exactly what they are up to and are not afraid to tell us.

Recently they have taken responsibility for the tragedy that has befallen the USA, President Donald Trump. Going as far as to say that they helped him become president by instigating his talks with Russia, they want to let the world know just what kind of incredible power they have while they hide away and only emerge to let people know that they did something, even if they didn’t.

They have also taken credit for the King Arthur flop despite having no connection to the production, saying that their mere existence has caused the world to be in state where such an expensive bomb could exist. This would be a first for them, as they usually seem to go with bombs of a much cheaper, yet more deadly, variety.

Insisting that they had their hands involved with the creations of  Coca-Cola II, Duke Nukem Forever, the final season of Dexter and the McDonald’s Arch Deluxe, we’re not sure that there is anything awful that ISIS, or ISIL, or whatever the hell they are going to be called tomorrow won’t claim was their handiwork.

The post ISIS Claims Responsibility For Trump And Other Tragedies first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

After meeting with Barack Obama, the joint chiefs of staff and the rest of the Washington D.C. think-tank, President Elect Donald Trump was briefed on all matters of national security. From nuclear codes and terrorists to time travelers and aliens, Donald Trump now knows everything he needs to know to run the country.

Upon learning that not only do aliens exist, but that they are Catholic, Donald Trump quickly started backpedaling on many of his campaign talking points and promises. What to illegal aliens matter when there are extraterrestrial aliens? What good is a wall between Mexico and the USA when we can’t build a space wall?

The terror in his eyes and the humbling that happened to the man was fiercely evident when watching him on 60 Minutes this week. Of course, he also went back on his promises of being anti-establishment by filling up his cabinet with nothing but big money lobbyists and businessmen, but even that seemed to be an afterthought. He’s terrified. He doesn’t want to wake up with a facehugger on his noggin and it seems that’s all his fearful eyes see when he is trying to sleep.

Our future President seems to be much more subdued as of late but how long will it be for his initial shock on the presence of alien life to wear off? Time will only tell.

The post Donald Trump Backs Off Of Most Campaign Promises After Being Briefed On Existence Of Aliens first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

The U.N. Assistance Mission in Afghanistan (UNAMA) has reported that the USA has killed 15 people and injured 13 in Afghanistan, of which the victims were civilians, including students, a teacher, and members of families, plus a couple of Islamic State militants here and there. The USA applauded the attack, stating that the loss of life is “okay” because if 15 brown people have to get killed to make sure that just 2 or 3 bad ones died, it’s worth it.

While unmanned air vehicle strikes have become more commonplace in warfare, the absolute anonymity of the victims and lack of responsibility in dealing with the collateral damage has been the strongest benefit to the military in these situations. It’s not fun knowing the faces of the innocent people you killed. It’s tough to live with that knowledge. What a burden.

“Well, if we’re going to stick to ISIS, we’re going to need to take out a whole lot of people to make sure it we get them, good. I rather have a drone go out there and kill 400 people just so that we know that at least 2o of them are the bad guys. At the very least, it means less Americans will have to die, you know? No foot battle here means your 19 year old son doesn’t have to get killed just to take out a few Allah lovin’ sons o bitches.” Colonel Kevin Franklin-Charles Sanders went on to add that while almost everyone killed in this strike is believed to be non-militants, and were most likely good, decent human beings, with at least a handful of students, it was okay because “they weren’t American men.”

An astound 0 American lives were lost in this drone strike, shocking no one when the target was a gathering of people that were welcoming back an elder that had just completed the Hajj pilgrimage to Mecca, otherwise known as “where we expect no Americans to be.”

“They were all sleeping. That’s the best time to get ’em, you know? Never let them know you’re coming. Plus, if you think about it, we’re doing them a favor. If they aren’t an ISIS member, think about how peaceful it must be to just go to sleep and die. You’d never know you were being blown to bits by our beautiful, shiny strike drones. One second you’re snoring away, cuddling your blanky and the next you’re put out of your misery, fertilizing the sand around you. It’s kind of beautiful once you think about it,” Colonel Sanders said, with a single tear in his eye.

Another victory for Americans that bleed red, white and blue and people without tans, in general.

The post U.S. Drone Strike Kills Afghan Civilians, But It’s Okay Because They’re Brown first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Fifteen years ago, one of the most heinous, reviled and unforgettable acts of atrocity took place on September 11th. The soundtrack to Mariah Carey’s movie “Glitter” had hit the shelves.

Then the unthinkable happened, as the World Trade Center in New York was hit by two airplanes being controlled by evil mad men. Each tower stood for a while as emergency crews scrambled, first responders rushed in and thousands were evacuated. Unfortunately, as you know, over 3000 lives were snuffed out in the attack. A similar attack with a much smaller outcome happened at the Pentagon and another attack was thwarted by passengers, causing the plane to crash before it could hit any possible targets.

The human lives lost were felt around the world. The fear, anger and frustration caused a fervor and emotional response like no one had ever seen before, at least in that decade in the United States. Other nations had felt the same anger, frustration and loss of life countless times, but this was the United States, New York and in the late stage of the information age. This was bigger, more important and more painful than any other tragedy that pre-dated it, because we said so.

We unified. For once, all the voices of America cried out at the same time, rallying, hoping and some praying for justice, peace and for our mutual love of our neighbors and other Americans to be able to help each other out. Everyone was a patriot. Then we found a target to hate. We joined hands, screaming loudly, as one, as Al Qaeda assumed responsibility. Most people thought that it was just some dude named Al, but many of us knew better.

As the news spread, the message of unity was carried, except with a bit of a twist. Let’s all get together to just hate on those that aren’t us. Do these people potentially look like those that we are pretty sure caused this calamity? If so, hate them. Be careful around those with names you can’t pronounce. Don’t you dare let the terrorists win, and by all that is good and green in this world, make sure you get your duct tape.

Fifteen years have passed and now Osama Bin Laden is reportedly dead, but many people don’t accept that as the truth. The instant patriotism has died down, but the hatred for the wrong people, the innocents, has not. We’re still a nation unified against a common enemy, but that enemy has changed. We’re now unified against each other.

The ridiculous fervor of bi-partisan US politics can almost be summarized down to, “those that hate all muslims” and “those who do not hate all muslims.” You can pretty much go right down the middle and figure out who those people are, right and left. This is what we’ve become. This is the post 9/11 America. We all cried together, hugged together and promised ourselves that we would rebuild after the towers fell down. To some extent, we have, but losing those towers and those lives gets a staunch reminder every year. We tell each other never forget, but we should be telling each other always remember. It sounds like they are the same but they really aren’t.

Always remember that strangers were crying on each others shoulders, looking for comfort.

Always remember that people blindly ran into burning, crumbling buildings to save complete strangers. Some of the people were muslims.

Always remember that hatred for a large part of the population because of the actions of a few is wrong.

Always remember to never forget to always remember.

Yes, September 11th is a time for remembrance, mourning and to look back at the tragedy of the day, but we should also remember the blind love we had for each other that day. When we didn’t know who was supposedly responsible for this huge loss of life, we were trying to make sure that EVERYONE was okay. It didn’t matter what religion you were or what color your skin was. We were all in this together until someone told us not to be. Always remember that.

The post Nation Remembers 15 Years Of Hating The Wrong People first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

The largest strike in the history of our human lives has taken place this week in India and you probably hadn’t heard about it. On September 2nd, 2016, a trade union coalition that represents over 180 million Indian workers striked for one day, on record as protesting the policies of Prime Minister Narendra Modi. The lack of media attention in the USA, however, proves to us that the protest was actually about something different.

While it might be nice and easy to think that they are standing up for human rights and labor conditions, we firmly believe that they were actually protesting the removal of the headphone jack from the iPhone 7. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “This protest happened days before the press conference! How could they know?” It’s very simple: they’re in india. Almost all the tech companies you call wind up forwarding to call centers there. They also manufacture tons of technology. They would know before all of us here, because it is their job to know!

So, tens of millions march out in solidarity over the iPhone 7. It sounds like it might be far-fetched idea, but look at the media coverage. It was very hard to find any information on the largest strike in our world’s history but the iPhone was plastered everywhere. That logically has to mean that reporting the iPhone was also covering the strike since the gadget was obviously the whole reason why the strike even took place! We are very proud to have been able to uncover this and help bring back a little light of favor to Prime Minister Narendra Modi who was getting a bit of a bum rap.

I mean sure, he may have encouraged the 2002 riots in Gujarat that had Hindu mobs killing around 1000 people, which were mostly Muslims. And yes, his women and child development minister was arrested sentenced to 28 years for handing out swords and encouraging people to attack muslims with them. And while he leads a nation with record amounts of people in poverty, working in poor conditions and slaving away to bring home barely anything, he still caters to business and making sure that business owners are happier than their employees. All of those things are true.

But does that make him such a monster? No, because the thought of a dying puppy still makes him sad. In fact, bad things happening all over the world makes him sad, even if he refuses to participate in anything to stop the things in his own country that makes him sad. It’s still making him sad, though, see? That’s human! Doing nothing about stuff you know you can control makes him just like one of us! You know? I mean, hey, I could lose a little weight, but that pizza isn’t going to finish itself. I could totally only have one or two slices but I’m really just helpless to do anything about my self-control. I’m just going to eat the whole thing. It’s just like that! He’s just like one of us.

So, remember, when it’s time for you to upgrade to your next Apple device, is it really worth it? Millions upon millions of people stood up against that damn headphone jack being removed and you still want to buy that phone? Think of the starving children in India. They totally don’t support you buying such an inferior product. They want you to be able to plug in your headphones without any additional accessories, just like every other good, humane person out there.

The post iPhone 7 Specs Cause Largest Strike In World History first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Thanks for sticking through with us, faithful readers. I had to fight off unwanted, internet miscreants, trying to shut down this shining beacon in a world of mistrusted journalism and false facts.

Here we are, in 2016, and still people want to silence the truth. Well, they had us down for a few days, but Anonymouse just couldn’t keep it up for long. Like a boastful teen on prom night, they came at us hard, broke us down but then came up short and empty when the time called for them to do their thing.

Now we’re bigger, faster, harder and stronger than ever! You might notice some new bells and whistles, some small changes and even an subscription option. Well, the dismantling they gave us allowed us to re-think a few things and add some stuff we’ve been wanting to have from the beginning.

This is a free world, folks, and no bullies should be allowed to take us down, unless they are government elected officials, of course.

So, as you go on with your day, no that you have to worry no longer. The Hoof and Trunk Post is back and better than ever. This is better than Coke II, Clear Pepsi and Independence Day: Resurgence, all rolled into one! We shall not disappoint you. New content will start to roll out slowly but surely. Be afraid, you enemies of truth and justice. Our trumpets shall wail and we shall stamp you out!

The post The Hoof And Trunk Post Is Back! first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Adam Taint thought he could mock us, but he could not.

He thought he could belittle us, but he could not.

We are Anonymouse and we now own The Hoof and Trunk Post.

We have moved it to a new host, added a few new bells and whistles and updated things to work better than it ever did before.

We caused Adam Taint to lose everything… but then we brought it back and gave it better SEO optimization because we are better than Adam Taint.

He will never get this site back.

He will always feel lost and ponder a meaningless life when he has nothing to do, no snark to deliver and no friends to chat with on the internet.

We hacked into his cell phone and deleted all the naked pictures from the women sending him nudies. We uploaded them to 4chan toget him in trouble. Instead it actually made him more popular and we saw that more women started contacting his phone once they saw the immense size of his… bandwidth, but he still doesn’t have his precious political news site.

We still have that.

We are adorable. We are coming for the big cheese. Expect mice.

We are Anonymouse!

The post WE ARE ANONYMOUSE! first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Last week we told you about the situation when “France Banned Burkinis In Case Terrorists Decided To Go On Holiday.” Well, good news came Yesterday when the highest French court suspended the ban and said that the people who did it were “plus bête que la merde de chien.” We totally agree with them.

With this announcement, however, we find many French baguettes, I mean bigots, scrambling for ways to damn the women who were being affected by this whole situation. The latest commentary from hateful Frenchies was of the most stereotypical nature: “Well, now that they are letting women in burkinis back on the beaches, we just won’t go there. The potential for Terrorists In Training to just go wherever they want and do whatever they want to do is going to set this country back hundreds of years.” Dubbing this a “T.I.Ts Out” situation, anti-muslim rhetoric is now hitting some strange places.

Tee shirts with the words “Get Those T.I.Ts Out!” are popping up everywhere now that the abbreviation has stuck. Oddly enough, this has been mostly thanks to American tourists over there, as French people aren’t going to buy some stupid shirt with English words on them, unless they’re being ironic. Those Americans, of course, have no idea that this is about religious suppression and just want to see boobs.

As Terrorists In Training becomes the newest, coolest thing to shout out when hateful xenophobes see Muslims, we expect #TITsOut to start trending and for the phrasing to start spreading all over the world, not just in France.

The post French Xenophobes Respond To Courts: “If Burkinis Are In, Beware Of T.I.Ts Out Situations” first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.