In our darkest hour, hopeful recipients of the paper stimulus checks that were promised to help offset the negative impact of the Covid-19 (Coronavirus) impact on the American Economy were incredibly disappointed to find out that they would have to wait even longer for a small amount of satisfaction.

It was as if Donald Trump himself had climbed into bed with the United States, as millions found out that they would be disappointed by his actions as President, yet again. While many folks had already received their direct deposits for Covid relief, many more would have to wait.

Donald Trump decided that the checks that had already been printed by the US Treasury were not good enough. They need to have his official stamp on it. Instead of putting his John Hancock on it, he decided to go with the small hand’s cock instead. Yes, tiny watermarks of his very own micro-penis would be used as security measure to protect from counterfeit reproduction of these checks. It was too late, however, to save us from the reproduction of his DNA, as even his ugliest son (we can’t choose which one, either) has had children.

The tiny Trump penii checks should be finished printing in a week or two, further delaying the financial relief of so many who have lost jobs, work and loved ones because of this terrible pandemic. It’s unfortunate that this further reminder of our President’s failure in both the oval office and in oval orifices would leave the public unsatisfied, without relief and just plain pissed, yet again.

The post Stimulus Checks Halted To Print Tiny Trump Penis first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

The United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit doesn’t just have a ridiculously long name, they also clarified something we all already knew: Trump has been unconstitutional. By blocking people he doesn’t agree with on Twitter, he is excluding them from an open on-line dialogue, which is prohibited by the First Amendment.

Well, this is great news for everyone who’s wanted to throw virtual tomatoes at our current President on Twitter, but were unceremoniously blocked by him. That’s right, you too can call him “an orange-tinged, baboon scrotum” and he just has to swallow whatever is left of his pride and take it.

No longer can he hit the block button on you when you’re all like, “rot in a pile of camel excrement, you over-boiled sack of cheddar vomit.” Finally, he has to hear what everyone thinks of him without the freedom to block it all out. Sure, there will be the occasional fool that bothers to compliment him, but they will most likely have a screen name like @RussianHackyBoiz or something, but it won’t stop the rest of us from saying what we mean.

So go ahead, call Trump a “boil-infested, shit-eating Satan baby,” or an “ugly, corpulent, puss-encrusted man-child with a micropenis” on social media! Regale him with your taunts, name calling and comparisons to various cheese products gone bad. You’re within your legal rights!

The post You Can Call Trump A Boil-Infested, Shit-Eating Satan Baby And He Just Has To Take It first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Despite the popularity of fictional stories, cartoons and pornographic material depicting mermaids or mermen, the CDC confirmed today that fish/human hybrids do not exist.

We know this may come to be very disappointing for some, but we’re very happy to get this confirmation, as tension has been building up thanks to a few issues that we need to address.

1. Securing our borders – What would the point of a wall between us and Mexico be if fish people could just swim to any beach on the USA and come in to the country that way? Any money spent developing a land-block solution would be a waste.
   
2. Thanks to films like The Little Mermaid and The Shape of Water, our children, and some adults, will really want to meet and eventually mate with said mer-people. This would pollute the human genome and also inevitably open us up to a whole new slew of bacteria, viruses and STDs.
   
3. The Fecal Bacteria problem – our waters have a very large issue with being unsafe thanks to an over abundance of fecal bacteria. Many folks thought that this was thanks to mermaids just taking their leisurely dumps in the ocean, but this apparently not the case. Now we definitely know that we must find a human solution to this problem and not defer to sea royalty in order for it to be fixed.

Now that we have this information, will companies like Disney get smarter about how they portray mermaids and mermen in the future? Maybe we should ignore this type of fiction all-together, as we wouldn’t want to confuse our children into thinking that human-fish hybrids exist, or that one could communicate with all creatures of the sea. Children are obviously idiots and could never make the distinction between animated fiction featuring a fake species and what we actually have in the real world.

The post Fish-Human Hybrids Still Don’t Exist first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

We were all there and we all remember what it felt like. All of a sudden you couldn’t see the faces of those you loved. No more memes, no more photos of your neighbor’s garbage for sale. It wasn’t just Facebook, but Instagram, Whatsapp and Facebook for Workplaces. Almost no corner of social media was safe, like some kind of visual social media Rapture. But could this photographic “white out” have been divine? Could God really have had anything to do it? One priest in Kenel, South Dakota seems to think so.

Father Horace Sickendick is pretty certain that the LGBTQ Pride Parades at the end of June have something to do with it.

“God just couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t want us to have to see all this nekkidness, half–naked men with bulging biceps, dancing in the streets. Girls with their tops off with paint covering their nipples… what were they all thinking? Did they think that they could do all this stuff and there would be no consequences?” Father Sickendick goes on to say that it wasn’t just what they were doing out there, but how many photos people were uploading really did the number.

“I lost track of how many hundreds and thousands of photos I saw. Just one after the other, of gay men booty dancing in the streets, hugging and kissing each other. I must have seen at least 10,000 photos of this stuff before I had to call it a night and take a shower. These images wouldn’t leave my mind the whole time I was in there, cleansing every last inch of myself after seeing this stuff. God doesn’t want us to see it all, that’s why he killed the photos on Facebook.” Father Sickendick went on to show us a few examples he had saved on his phone just to make such talking points. As he went through the images, he made sure to point out the “really bad” ones of the hundreds he had saved on his phone.

Could it really be? Could there have been divine intervention, making images simply not work all over social media for one day? Why the day before America’s birthday? Why just one day, if it’s because of the Pride parades? Well, if it was that then God no longer cares as everything is back to normal and totally visible for all of us to see. 24 hours of divine censorship doesn’t sound like a really good plan, but at least now we can be accepting of everyone again.

The post Priest Blames Pride Parade Photos For Facebook Downtime first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Hello,

We see you’re trying to read “What Happens If We Lose Net Neutrality?” on the website, http://www.hoofandtrunk.com .

As you have not paid your full allotment for “SATIRE” for this month, please insert $5 into your computer.

If you do not comply we are afraid that we can not allow you to read the rest of this article.

Thank you,

The FCC by way of your Internet Service Provider

Seriously, though…

The post What Happens If We Lose Net Neutrality? first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Donald Trump has seemingly had a Twitter problem from the moment he joined the social network, but things are spiraling out of control, darkly. We’re used to him commenting on TV, whether it’s what show is on that night, something said on the news he doesn’t agree with or critiquing someone who took his job. There are a ton of different reasons why he would take to Twitter to run his mouth, but none of them are ever really “good” reasons.

Well, Today’s ranting might be his worst and could possibly get him removed from the service.

It started innocently enough, with him talking about the Tony Awards and making his complaints, as usual.

And then a little bit more on edge, but still what we’ve come to expect from the big, orange goofball:

And then it took a turn for the bizarre, dark and eventually sad. He is becoming unhinged and I’m terrified of what that might cause him to do next:



He needs help and he needs it soon. He’s unhinged and this country is much worse for the wear with these revealing thoughts of his in an obvious moment of weakness.

The post Trump Twitter Tirade Takes Dark Turn first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

In a historical move that will be talked about for many years to come, Donald Trump has put his foot down and insisted that the United States pulls out of Kathy Griffin by 2020. Stating that he thinks our energies will be better spent elsewhere, he does not believe the verifiable science that has been presented to go against his demands and wishes.

While Kathy Griffin has had many ups and downs over the past few decades, the current trending is on an upscale, showing that the heat is ever increasing this year on all things Kathy Griffin. The sustained heat could possibly decrease, but that does not mean that she will go cold and frigid, overall.

The rest of the world chastises President’s Trump decision, as they are left to deal with and penetrate the defenses of Kathy Griffin without our help.

“I can not believe that the French people are left to satisfy Kathy Griffin in her ever increasing heat without any help from the United States. The American people are disappointed with Trump’s choice and so are we. Kathy Griffin should not just be the problem of every other nation in the world when the United States is the world’s leading contributor of Kathy Griffin.” French Prime Minister Édouard Philippe was visibly upset addressing the current need for stronger regulations against Kathy Griffin.

There has been no response from the White House yet on this matter, but we’re sure that they are preparing the immense clean up needed before we pull out of Kathy Griffin.

The post Trump Orders USA To Pull Out Of Kathy Griffin By 2020 first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Everyday, President Donald Trump manages to surprise us with a new social networking low, whether it be cursing out a celebrity, complaining about the news or posting photos of him eating Tex/Mex food. Well, recently, he sank to a new, ultimate bottom, putting everyone in the world at risk. We’ve grown used to expecting some idiotic nonsense to tumble out of his mouth or through his greasy, fat fingers, but not generally something that could send us into a post-apocalyptic reality.

During one of his 3am Twitter tirades, Trump wrote the phrase “covfefe” in a tweet. What seemed like an innocent flub that was missed by spellcheck, autocomplete and the subhuman eye, turned out to be far more grave in nature. Covfefe is, or I should say, was the password necessary to deactivate the Permissive Action Link (PAL) which protects our nuclear devices.

Considering that Trump has been recklessly using his personal smartphone to speak to dignitaries around the world, sending unsecured work e-mails and sexting with his daughter Ivanka, him unleashing the one thing that is keeping the United States from being one giant mushroom cloud on Twitter was unsurprisingly bound to happen.

The United States military rushed to change any and all arming codes necessary once this happened. Oddly enough, this isn’t the first time the USA has fumbled the nuclear football, as the old password years ago was “000000000.”

The post Donald Trump Mistakenly Tweets Nuclear Arming Code “Covfefe” first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

In a stunning victory for black market organ dealers and 3rd world unlicensed surgeons, 217 American House Republicans unknowingly signed up to have their kidneys, livers and other internal organs harvested.

As they fought to dismantled the Affordable Care Act, they had no idea that they were signing themselves up to be found cold, naked and confused in a bathtub filled with ice. As a major blow against the average human in the USA was dealt, those in black market medical practices are incredibly happy with today’s outcome.

“We’re going to do so much business with these parts. It’s going to be like Christmas for anyone who needs a good kidney. You see, these senators and congressmen all have decent health plans and they don’t care what they do to anyone else’s lives, so they are perfect organ candidates. We generally don’t give a crap about where these organs come from, as long as they are nice, fresh and clean. Having decent healthcare, however, narrows down our targets, immensely. Sure, the Democrats would be nice targets, too, but we rather get processing organs from people who don’t smoke so much weed,” street-level surgeon, Siddhartha “The Slicer” Singh told us, today.

Since the average american will be losing their healthcare, the prospects are narrowed down to those with money or cushy government jobs. With these folks just lining up to support a system where amateur medicine, self-medicating and home remedies take over the affordable prospects of healthcare, it only makes sense that they also be viewed as the first folks to steal organs from when they are needed.

There is no word on when the first organs will be harvested but we expect a few “accidents” will be happening shortly.

The post 217 Republican Names Have Been Added To Black Market Organ Harvesting List first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

The post Paul Ryan Vows To Destroy The Healthcare System first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.