The post Saturday Funnies: Life’s A Ball! first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

While Donald Trump has neglected to release his tax returns, our investigative unit has been leaving no stone unturned in order to procure some data to put together to really try to hash out the mess that is his finances. While the various commissions of New York have started to release some information about his properties, one amazing find we dug up was from a very unexpected source.

The World Wrestling Federation has apparently been commissioned by the US Government to run this entire election. I know, that sounds positively insane, but once you read the details, it makes so much more sense. Of the two candidates, Donald Trump is actually getting paid more by the WWE than Hillary Clinton is. At first we thought this was an equal pay issue, but then we realized it was far more sinister than that.

If you’re not familiar with wrestling terminology, a “jobber” is someone who is paid and setup to lose a match. Well, in this instance it’s the biggest fight and match the USA has known in ages, and thus being a jobber is a very lucrative place to be, at the moment. The WWE is apparently paying Donald Trump $80 Million to lose, offset from the many millions it is being paid by the US Government to pay for this rigging of the election.

If it seems like Donald Trump is trying very hard to lose, sound like a buffoon or come across like some subhuman, sociopathic monster of rage, it’s because he’s getting paid to. All Hillary Clinton has to do is show up, be herself, know some general things about the real world and boom, election won. It’s basically a political elbow drop from the top of the cage, on a bed of thumbtacks.

So there it is, folks. This election is just about bought and sold, however, don’t be surprised if there is a heel turn by Hillary Clinton if Trump pulls out a surprise victory. This sort of thing has happened before. Don’t forget, Stone Cold Steve Austin was the bad guy for a while, until he became one of the most popular wrestlers of all time. Let’s just hope that isn’t the case with Donald Trump.

The post Donald Trump To Be Most Expensive Jobber In WWE History first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

While September may officially be National Preparedness Month for floods in the USA, the National Weather Advisory has issued a warning that our flood problems may only worsen by the time we get to November.

Apparently the rampant feelings of oppression from white men, and more specifically rich, white men, have reached a tipping point. The proliferation of big, man baby crying has caused the oceans to flood over and record rainfall in just about every state in the south. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Agency (NOAA) has released it’s latest water model and if Hillary Clinton winds up as our president, as predicted, we might be in serious trouble.

While the end of the world will surely come swiftly, and succinctly, if Donald Trump becomes President of the United States, Hillary Clinton’s presidency will bring about biblical level flooding. A projection of severe man tear flooding is expected to wash out just about every red state, with even some blue states taking the hit.

While the fact that the USA women brought home more medals from the olympics than the men was enough to cause some late summer downpours, the electing of the first woman president might be impossible to recover from. We asked why this didn’t happen eight years ago when Barack Obama became our first president of color, (whether he is referred to as our first black, brown or bi-racial president), and the simple answer was that the flooding all happened in 2009, when they were less aware of the growing white male tear epidemic. If you do look at 2009, however, there were major flood all year round in many different parts of the USA, but especially major flooding during the fall in the south.

The fact that Obama is half white, though, did save us a bit of downfall. With a woman, however, no racial background will make a difference, as the most ardent misogynist is generally blind to a woman’s skin color.

Let’s also add in the fact that now entire NFL teams are supporting the Black Lives Matter and Colin Kaepernick’s decision to sit during the national anthem, at every NFL game they play until they see some serious reform, and you have the potential for the highest amount of simultaneous white male tears to ever be recorded. This is one to watch out for, folks.

Be smart, buy your boots and try to keep your white male friends happy and free from feelings of oppression.

The post Record USA Flooding Tied To White Male Tears first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Thanks for sticking through with us, faithful readers. I had to fight off unwanted, internet miscreants, trying to shut down this shining beacon in a world of mistrusted journalism and false facts.

Here we are, in 2016, and still people want to silence the truth. Well, they had us down for a few days, but Anonymouse just couldn’t keep it up for long. Like a boastful teen on prom night, they came at us hard, broke us down but then came up short and empty when the time called for them to do their thing.

Now we’re bigger, faster, harder and stronger than ever! You might notice some new bells and whistles, some small changes and even an subscription option. Well, the dismantling they gave us allowed us to re-think a few things and add some stuff we’ve been wanting to have from the beginning.

This is a free world, folks, and no bullies should be allowed to take us down, unless they are government elected officials, of course.

So, as you go on with your day, no that you have to worry no longer. The Hoof and Trunk Post is back and better than ever. This is better than Coke II, Clear Pepsi and Independence Day: Resurgence, all rolled into one! We shall not disappoint you. New content will start to roll out slowly but surely. Be afraid, you enemies of truth and justice. Our trumpets shall wail and we shall stamp you out!

The post The Hoof And Trunk Post Is Back! first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Adam Taint thought he could mock us, but he could not.

He thought he could belittle us, but he could not.

We are Anonymouse and we now own The Hoof and Trunk Post.

We have moved it to a new host, added a few new bells and whistles and updated things to work better than it ever did before.

We caused Adam Taint to lose everything… but then we brought it back and gave it better SEO optimization because we are better than Adam Taint.

He will never get this site back.

He will always feel lost and ponder a meaningless life when he has nothing to do, no snark to deliver and no friends to chat with on the internet.

We hacked into his cell phone and deleted all the naked pictures from the women sending him nudies. We uploaded them to 4chan toget him in trouble. Instead it actually made him more popular and we saw that more women started contacting his phone once they saw the immense size of his… bandwidth, but he still doesn’t have his precious political news site.

We still have that.

We are adorable. We are coming for the big cheese. Expect mice.

We are Anonymouse!

The post WE ARE ANONYMOUSE! first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

In recent memory, there have been many atrocities committed by unsavory human beings on the soils of this great nation. Psychotic killers, shooting innocent civilians in Orlando, police brutalizing young men and women without real justification and people afraid to just about go anywhere because they might get shot. You do not, however, want to mess with our sports. How dare you, Colin Kaepernick?

American Football is America’s favorite pastime. While they actually call baseball that nickname, we all know that’s not even close to being true. Football is where it’s at. Football is the end all, be all of the utmost freedom and happiness. This well-structured game that pits giant men against each other, is simply the pinnacle of our free society. Nothing says freedom quite like adhering to strict rules, regulations, point systems, and being reprimanded for it when you don’t.

How can you be free in a world where our football players could be convicted of rape? That would be un-American. They are providing us with the highest form of entertainment ever made and we want to tell them that there are women out there that they can’t have? That’s just insane. They can have whoever they want. They can have me if they want, and I’m not even a woman.

How can we convict them of murder? Why, what would that do? What good would sending a player to jail for murder do? Certainly not as much good as letting him go, free, to continue playing this important game that sets us apart from the rest of the world. Yes, only American Football is American. It doesn’t matter than many of our players have come from other countries to do their best with us, they are now American… even those Canadians. Nothing else in the world is like it, except maybe rugby and soccer, a little bit. They’re still not really the same, as long as you keep blinking.

The NFL doesn’t even have to pay taxes. How could they be more American? A giant company in the USA should always get a huge tax break or pay no taxes at all and let the little guys like you and me foot the bill. It makes me feel even MORE American to know that I am paying way more taxes, thanks to organizations like the NFL, that get to pay nothing. It means I’m even more of a patriot than I was if I was paying way fewer taxes or getting more back for what I am paying for.

Now, beyond all those other things, Colin Kaepernick disgusts me because he made us stop talking about the game. We’re not talking about his stats or scores. We’re not talking about the sport anymore. He’s distracting us from the game by making us think about black men and women being killed more on a percentage level by cops around the United States. Do you want to think about that? I sure as hell don’t. That’s just depressing and sometimes boring. I mean, it’s been going on for so long, why would we want to stop it now? No one seems to be able to do anything about it so why bother worrying about it? I just want to watch football and only think of football when football is on. How could his rich ass make me think of other, depressingly real things? I want to escape into the fantasy where it’s men against other men, wearing logos of animals, chemistry symbols, and racist depictions of human beings.

Sports are more important than everything, ever. They really are. Cancer doesn’t need to be cured unless it ruins our game. Guns don’t need to be talked about unless it ruins the game. Children dying of diseases are in so many commercials during the games, but we don’t care about them. We just want those things to be over so we can see more game!

Colin Kaepernick is selfish. He took away our joy of the game by making us have to acknowledge the big, brown-skinned elephant in the room. We didn’t even have the option of ignoring it because it’s all everyone is talking about. Everyone is upset that he ruined their moment of that song, that we sing only at sports games, that is supposed to show our love for the country. I mean, that’s how important sports are, that everything that is patriotic in the USA only happens at those games. Really, think about the last time you sang the Star Spangled Banner that wasn’t at a sports event. I bet you didn’t even get the words right. I know I sometimes don’t, because I’m so excited about the football that is about to happen.

So, let’s stop talking about black lives mattering. We know they do, or else we wouldn’t have so many great football players, right? I mean, we’re letting them have millions of dollars to do exactly what we want them to, and just adhere to some strict rules and put on a show for us. How dare any of them claim that freedom isn’t granted when they just have to follow those rules for us to respect them?! Freedom isn’t just saying whatever you want or talking about what’s bothering you, it’s also knowing when to shut up and just do as you’re told. Now shut up and have some freedom.

The post Sports Are More Important Than Anything Else, Ever first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

While Native Americans petition the NFL to change the name and imagery of the Washington Redskins, a new team was rejected by the NFL for Georgia. Hailing from Stone Mountain, Georgia, the Georgia Crackers would have been a great new addition to the AFC, if it hadn’t been so controversial.

“We hated it,” said Commissioner Roger Goodell. “I mean, I get why some people are upset about the Redskins, but this is so obvious, so overt that we just had to nip it right in the bud.” We weren’t sure if he was making a reference to cotton picking right at that moment, but we let that one go.

“It just doesn’t sit well with us. Can you imagine all these players, many of which are people of color, as they are competing on a field, putting millions of dollars on the line for all of their owners? I mean, the owners of the teams? These guys make tons of money, now. Everything is okay and some yahoos want to go and bring our progress back a hundred years? I mean, no player would want to have some white slave owner with a whip on their helmet. That’s just insane.”

To see if he was correct, we sent out feelers from the players association which was able to get us the ears of some player that were interested in speaking their mind.

“I think it’s f*ck@ng hilarious! Dude, that’s just raw! The Georgia Crackers from Stone Mountain, Georgia? Have you read up on Stone Mountain? That place has ties to the KKK, the confederacy and all that. That’s perfect!” Former Atlanta Falcon player, Deion Sanders was more than enthused by the idea. “I think they should do it! If they don’t like the image of the guy with the whip, then, Hell, change it to a bunch of saltines or some Ritz crackers. The rest of us will still get the idea!”

Unfortunately, the veto for the Georgia Crackers was swift and we’ll never hear of it again. The owners, however, have a list of names they might try to resurge their attempts with, like the San Juan Switchblades, the Greensboro Guineas, the Helena Honkeys, theWyoming Wetbacks and the Massachusetts Micks.

Here is another, larger look at that beautiful Crackers logo:

The post NFL Rejects Proposal For “Georgia Crackers” Team As “Racially Insensitive” first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Presidential Republican nominee, Donald Trump, has reportedly had to cease watching the rest of the Olympic games. Due to the graphic nature of the recent injuries at the games, he is entirely too excited to continue viewing them.

As French gymnast Samir Aït Saïd and Brazilian judoka Sarah Menezes had their Olympic dreams cut short in incredibly gruesome and violent fashions on the first day of games out in Rio, Donald Trump couldn’t take it anymore.

“Well, I was very excited at the prospect of winning. I mean, the USA is fantastic and great, but we could be even greater. If we just won more we could be so good at winning that we’d win even more. When I saw that young man’s leg break, it almost felt as good as that the first time I saw my wife Ivan… I mean, Marl… I mean… uh… it was like the first time I stared into the eyes of my beautiful daughter, Melania’s eyes. No, no, my daughter Ivanka’s eyes! Damn it all to hell, why did we have to name her so similarly to her mother?”

When asked if it was the gruesome nature that made him have to stop watching his remarks were not what we expected.

“Oh, heaven’s no. That’s not it at all. I mean, it was a tough break. You see what I did there? But seriously folks, it was a tough thing to see but I was so happy about it. I mean, with a name like Samir all I could think was hey, Isis may have lost another gymnast! Could you imagine that guy flipping over our future great wall of Mexico, jumping into blow us all to hell? I guess he would never had made the landing but, still, it’s better to be safe than sorry. And that judo or karate girl, or whatever the hell she was doing. Her arm being pulled like that. No American would let that happen. Her last name sounded fairly Hispanic so that just might be one less illegal climbing over our borders. I’m all for the injuries, personally but it just was too good to watch. My heart was racing I had a hard-on the size of a bullhorn and I couldn’t wait to just pound one in. I was kind of afraid of having a heart attack so I just stuffed a roll of cold dollar coins into my armpits and hoped it would cool me off.”

The post Trump To Stop Watching Olympics Due To Injuries: “They were too exciting!” first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.