A Historical shift begins today, as the GOP-led House has voted to impeach Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas. He is now the first Cabinet secretary to be impeached in nearly 150 years, but once folks found out he was Cuban, it was no surprise to them.

“Oh, well, I mean, he sure looked like one of us, but we knew deep down inside something was wrong whenever he told anyone his name. THEN you could hear the Mexican come out,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “Oh, no. I know he’s Cuban, but Cubans are just a different brand of Mexican. Like, Diet-Mexican, I guess? I dunno, I don’t really know much about all the different types of Mexicans there are out there. Like what’s the difference between a Dominican and Puerto Rican Mexican? Right? Who knows?!”

Overtly disgusted by the ignorant and racist statements coming out of the House GOP, Democrats are trying to mobilize against the rhetoric, but think they may need to use it to their advantage, first. “Oh, we’re going to slip some things into the bill to get aid to Israel and Ukraine. Since the GOP doesn’t really know geography very well, we will refer to the Ukraine and Israel as parts of Texas needing funds to keep out Mexicans at their border. This should pass, easy,” offered up House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries.

It’s not the worst idea. Republicans are definitely the Elmer Fudds of politics and thus a Bugs Bunny style trick like this may very well work.

The post House GOP Impeaches Cuban-American Alejandro Mayorkas Because “Cubans Are Just A Different Brand Of Mexican” first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

In our darkest hour, hopeful recipients of the paper stimulus checks that were promised to help offset the negative impact of the Covid-19 (Coronavirus) impact on the American Economy were incredibly disappointed to find out that they would have to wait even longer for a small amount of satisfaction.

It was as if Donald Trump himself had climbed into bed with the United States, as millions found out that they would be disappointed by his actions as President, yet again. While many folks had already received their direct deposits for Covid relief, many more would have to wait.

Donald Trump decided that the checks that had already been printed by the US Treasury were not good enough. They need to have his official stamp on it. Instead of putting his John Hancock on it, he decided to go with the small hand’s cock instead. Yes, tiny watermarks of his very own micro-penis would be used as security measure to protect from counterfeit reproduction of these checks. It was too late, however, to save us from the reproduction of his DNA, as even his ugliest son (we can’t choose which one, either) has had children.

The tiny Trump penii checks should be finished printing in a week or two, further delaying the financial relief of so many who have lost jobs, work and loved ones because of this terrible pandemic. It’s unfortunate that this further reminder of our President’s failure in both the oval office and in oval orifices would leave the public unsatisfied, without relief and just plain pissed, yet again.

The post Stimulus Checks Halted To Print Tiny Trump Penis first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Despite the popularity of fictional stories, cartoons and pornographic material depicting mermaids or mermen, the CDC confirmed today that fish/human hybrids do not exist.

We know this may come to be very disappointing for some, but we’re very happy to get this confirmation, as tension has been building up thanks to a few issues that we need to address.

1. Securing our borders – What would the point of a wall between us and Mexico be if fish people could just swim to any beach on the USA and come in to the country that way? Any money spent developing a land-block solution would be a waste.
   
2. Thanks to films like The Little Mermaid and The Shape of Water, our children, and some adults, will really want to meet and eventually mate with said mer-people. This would pollute the human genome and also inevitably open us up to a whole new slew of bacteria, viruses and STDs.
   
3. The Fecal Bacteria problem – our waters have a very large issue with being unsafe thanks to an over abundance of fecal bacteria. Many folks thought that this was thanks to mermaids just taking their leisurely dumps in the ocean, but this apparently not the case. Now we definitely know that we must find a human solution to this problem and not defer to sea royalty in order for it to be fixed.

Now that we have this information, will companies like Disney get smarter about how they portray mermaids and mermen in the future? Maybe we should ignore this type of fiction all-together, as we wouldn’t want to confuse our children into thinking that human-fish hybrids exist, or that one could communicate with all creatures of the sea. Children are obviously idiots and could never make the distinction between animated fiction featuring a fake species and what we actually have in the real world.

The post Fish-Human Hybrids Still Don’t Exist first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Hello,

We see you’re trying to read “What Happens If We Lose Net Neutrality?” on the website, http://www.hoofandtrunk.com .

As you have not paid your full allotment for “SATIRE” for this month, please insert $5 into your computer.

If you do not comply we are afraid that we can not allow you to read the rest of this article.

Thank you,

The FCC by way of your Internet Service Provider

Seriously, though…

The post What Happens If We Lose Net Neutrality? first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

In the light of the fact that the Supreme Court is allowing President Donald Trump’s latest travel ban on six Muslim-majority nations to go into effect, the grading of the court has declined, sharply into Inferior territory.

With the initial Islamophobic bans threatening to put the court system into Adequate Court territory, that crisis was averted in July when they denied the ban. This time, however, the fact that they have passed it, pending appeals, after previously denying it pushed them beyond Adequate, below Sub-par and straight into Inferior Court territory.

If the motion, post appeals, somehow were to dissolve and not be instituted, it is unknown, at this point, if the Court would return to it’s Superior status or go without an adjective all together.

We’re not sure what impact and adjective-less Court would have on American policy, but currently we’re really just worried about this Inferior Court business.

Experts agree that a similar ban on Christian and Right-wing extremists leaving the United States would do well to at least make things seem a little more equal, since they generally kill more people in the USA than Islamic extremists, but we think that’s still not enough to justify the death of our status as a nation of immigrants.

The post Supreme Court Status Lowered To Inferior Court first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

As we are all eagerly awaiting the results of the many secret probes happening in Washington DC, the anticipation on word about the definite collusion of Donald Trump’s campaign with Russian intelligence is highest on our priority list. We’ve been digging deep while these probes are happening, and it looks like we may have found a few bombshells of our own.

Tied to Donald Trump’s Twitter account were a few of his apps. One of those apps, Spotify, had recently been removed, however, nothing on the internet goes away for good. Our savvy tech team took it upon themselves to gain access to his favorite playlists, and sure enough, we found something.

Amidst all the creepy songs like, Maurice Chevalier’s “Thank Heaven For Little Girls”, The Mills Brothers “Daddy’s Little Girl” and The Police’s “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” were the entire Gorky Park discography. If you’re not familiar with Gorky Park, they are a Russian glam band that hit it big in the USA with their first major release, featuring the single “Bang.”

With lyrics like “Give it in or give it out, We can blow it up!” and “Bang bang, say ‘da da da!’ Nothin’ less, I want to hear a yes!” it’s clear to see why he was obsessed with this band and Russia in general. The idea of explosions, blowing things up and not taking no for an answer all appeal to a man who has been threatening to nuke our “enemies” and likes to brag about grabbing the genitals of women who are not interested or available to him. Considering his obvious past as a sexual harassment trial waiting to happen, a song that showcases his rapey ways makes perfect sense in his library. The lack of an extensive vocabulary also appeals to Trump, as he generally can’t handle more than a few words in a short period of time.

Considering his obvious attraction to women from Slavic countries and Eastern Europe in general, it’s no surprise that his fandom of all things Russian would extend itself to USSR relics, bad hair and glam metal bands from that period and the comedy of Yakov Smirnoff.

We’re hoping to dig deeper and find more clues into his past, but we need to get beyond the 700+ tracks of Kids Bop that are impeding our progress on his playlists.

The post Trump’s Secret Soviet Past Tied To Gorky Park first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

While the rest of the United States was shocked and mortified over the sudden realization that World War 2 never quite ended, the head Nazi-In-Chief set his sights on starting World War 3.

Determined to out-nuke each other, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un sent each other text messages, tweets and passive-aggressive e-mails detailing just how bigger and better one’s nuclear prowess was. The two child-like menaces spent hours gambling with millions of lives hanging in the balance, as they sorted out their obvious hang-ups with the need to over-compensate for their fragile masculinity and tiny genitalia.

Finally, they agreed to a cock-fight to be held in a yet unnamed neutral territory which will be televised the world over. The United States has enlisted the help of James Cameron to use his film-making ingenuity and technological background in order to be able to capture the micro-penis sword-fight to the death in full detail.

The date for this bought is currently being finalized, as well as the rules and regulations. In order to avoid potential war crimes, very specific details are being hashed out, like the banning of any outside ordinance, such as implants, chemical enhancements or stunt-cocks from being used in the fight.

Security will be beefed up at this event, as the obvious fix for most of the world’s problems would be to eradicate these two morons off of the face of the planet, but we can’t have nice things so instead we’ll have to deal with them both existing for the moment.

The post Trump and Kim Jong-un To Battle To The Death In Micro-Penis Sword-fight first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Donald Trump has seemingly had a Twitter problem from the moment he joined the social network, but things are spiraling out of control, darkly. We’re used to him commenting on TV, whether it’s what show is on that night, something said on the news he doesn’t agree with or critiquing someone who took his job. There are a ton of different reasons why he would take to Twitter to run his mouth, but none of them are ever really “good” reasons.

Well, Today’s ranting might be his worst and could possibly get him removed from the service.

It started innocently enough, with him talking about the Tony Awards and making his complaints, as usual.

And then a little bit more on edge, but still what we’ve come to expect from the big, orange goofball:

And then it took a turn for the bizarre, dark and eventually sad. He is becoming unhinged and I’m terrified of what that might cause him to do next:



He needs help and he needs it soon. He’s unhinged and this country is much worse for the wear with these revealing thoughts of his in an obvious moment of weakness.

The post Trump Twitter Tirade Takes Dark Turn first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

In a historical move that will be talked about for many years to come, Donald Trump has put his foot down and insisted that the United States pulls out of Kathy Griffin by 2020. Stating that he thinks our energies will be better spent elsewhere, he does not believe the verifiable science that has been presented to go against his demands and wishes.

While Kathy Griffin has had many ups and downs over the past few decades, the current trending is on an upscale, showing that the heat is ever increasing this year on all things Kathy Griffin. The sustained heat could possibly decrease, but that does not mean that she will go cold and frigid, overall.

The rest of the world chastises President’s Trump decision, as they are left to deal with and penetrate the defenses of Kathy Griffin without our help.

“I can not believe that the French people are left to satisfy Kathy Griffin in her ever increasing heat without any help from the United States. The American people are disappointed with Trump’s choice and so are we. Kathy Griffin should not just be the problem of every other nation in the world when the United States is the world’s leading contributor of Kathy Griffin.” French Prime Minister Édouard Philippe was visibly upset addressing the current need for stronger regulations against Kathy Griffin.

There has been no response from the White House yet on this matter, but we’re sure that they are preparing the immense clean up needed before we pull out of Kathy Griffin.

The post Trump Orders USA To Pull Out Of Kathy Griffin By 2020 first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Everyday, President Donald Trump manages to surprise us with a new social networking low, whether it be cursing out a celebrity, complaining about the news or posting photos of him eating Tex/Mex food. Well, recently, he sank to a new, ultimate bottom, putting everyone in the world at risk. We’ve grown used to expecting some idiotic nonsense to tumble out of his mouth or through his greasy, fat fingers, but not generally something that could send us into a post-apocalyptic reality.

During one of his 3am Twitter tirades, Trump wrote the phrase “covfefe” in a tweet. What seemed like an innocent flub that was missed by spellcheck, autocomplete and the subhuman eye, turned out to be far more grave in nature. Covfefe is, or I should say, was the password necessary to deactivate the Permissive Action Link (PAL) which protects our nuclear devices.

Considering that Trump has been recklessly using his personal smartphone to speak to dignitaries around the world, sending unsecured work e-mails and sexting with his daughter Ivanka, him unleashing the one thing that is keeping the United States from being one giant mushroom cloud on Twitter was unsurprisingly bound to happen.

The United States military rushed to change any and all arming codes necessary once this happened. Oddly enough, this isn’t the first time the USA has fumbled the nuclear football, as the old password years ago was “000000000.”

The post Donald Trump Mistakenly Tweets Nuclear Arming Code “Covfefe” first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.