The real-life terror that is this year’s Halloween story, is not for the faint of heart. The toughest part about something like this is describing him in rhyme, when nothing rhymes with orange. We shall try, anyway:

‘Twas the day of Halloween,
And choices were so near.
Choose the Nasty Woman,
Or the beast with hair so queer?

He, with gnashing teeth,
And she with boxy attire.
Here eyes were loopy and crazy,
His skin like a raging fire

She promised all the world
The opposite of herself.
He promised Mexicans
He’d put them on a shelf.

He spit and cursed and raged,
And ran his mouth till bloody.
Could all of this be staged?
Even if it is, it still isn’t so funny.

The Demented Orange Beast,
Set himself to take us over.
From West up to the East,
From Seattle out to Dover.

Fear entrenched the land,
Small children were crying.
The hopes of freedom and peace,
Were dreams that ll were dying.

In less than just a week,
You get to make a choice.
Do you settle for a beast,
Or do you hate that woman’s voice?

The choice is really yours,
That’s the most terrifying.
Because people are the worst,
Most without even trying.

 

The post The Demented Orange Beast: A Halloween Poem first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Well, no one saw that coming. After a very tense night of wondering who was next, American’s decided that they like Negan more than their current choices for president, especially Donald Trump.

“I like that he speaks his mind. I mean, he said that he would punish people for acting out against him, and he did. He’s a straight shooter, that guy. You know exactly what you’re going to get, and I respect that,” said Sherri Chasmer, a Negan supporter who was in the middle of crafting herself her very own barbed-wire bat. “You can’t argue with honesty, you know?”

Even despite the fact that he caved in the head of not one, but two of America’s favorite people that have joined Rick Grimes after the zombie apocalypse, his popularity is still at an all time high.

“I know he does terrible things, treats women like garbage and has bashed in the heads of some decent people, but that man has charisma. You just have to like him. He’s quick with a joke and he doesn’t really cut with the B.S. like all the other politicians. I really get him. He feels like one of us. He curses like a sailor, says filthy things all the time and it never feels like he’s trying to be someone he isn’t. I can respect that in a leader. I just hope that if he becomes president that I never have to meet Lucille,” echoed another Negan supporter who asked to remain nameless, in case Negan’s favorite first lady, Lucille, felt a little thirsty for some cranial blood.

So, presented with the options of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, there could be a serious contender for the write-in vote with Negan. The man with no last name would be the first confirmed murderer to win the presidency, if that ever happened, and also the first president with just one name. Yes, Obama does have a first name. Go look it up, you savages.

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While the Republicans have had a failed retention of their dynasty, with Jeb Bush losing out to Donald Trump or just about anyone else with a pulse in this election cycle, the Clinton dynasty looks to officially have begun with Hillary just about on her way to become our next President of the United States. With her daughter, Chelsea, already seeming to be on her way up the political ladder, people are starting to get uncomfortable that we’ll be seeing Clintons as presidents from this point forward.

That is, except, for when it comes to Socks. Socks Clinton, the cutest, furriest member of the Clinton family, may not be the obvious future choice for POTUS, with him being dead, and all, but that isn’t going to stop the Clintons. Looking for an obvious replacement that will also be named Socks, the search is on for the future new cat in town that will also carry the reigns in the Clinton family once they are handed over to him, or her!

With the ridiculous cat-related catch phrases coming out of Donald Trump’s campaign, they could have potential political fodder for years to come. Since the previous Socks lived a full 20 years, there is no real time limit for the new Socks the cat to gain a political stranglehold on America, making it the most powerful pussy in the nation.

How will the United States handle it’s first cat President? Well, as long as the cat is groomed for the role, properly, I think we’ll be okay, but I am no fan of dynasties in a democracy or republic. The dangers of corruption and self-serving politics are very real there. The conspiracy theories abound are enough, such as the PUSA theory. If you abbreviate President of the USA you generally get PUSA. Pusa is the Tagalog word for cat, so many Filipino Americans have been theorizing that we were going to get a cat for a president for years. Is this just the culmination of a long planned conspiracy? Is the illuminati really getting their way or is this just some ridiculous coincidence? I guess we’ll all just have to wait and see.

Oh my God, you’re so widdle and cute! Those paws. Those tiny adorable paws. Awwwwwwwwwwww

The post Socks The Cat To Be Next Clinton Family Member To Be Groomed For The White House first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

There are a few different ways to disappoint the internet. One of them is not having the latest nude shots of their favorite celebrities readily available. Another is to promise the delivery of something and then postpone it. Yet another is to never promise anything they want, at all. Somehow, all of these things are relevant in the current election cycle. Well…. no one is really asking for naked pictures of Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton, but we did get those racy shots of Melania.

Anyhow, last night, WikiLeaks was set to deliver a bombshell to the Hillary Clinton campaign in the form of a huge document leak. Instead what was delivered was a large infomercial for WikiLeaks and a lot of attempts to sell you Julian Assange’s books. Sounds like he’s a profiteer, now, doesn’t it? What happened to the freedom of information that they promised? Has all of that gone by the wayside? Well, it looks like they want to make us wait for this supposed bombshell till November, which is a big disappointment.

Similarly, the world has been waiting on news about Half-Life 3. Are we ever going to see this game from Valve Software? Are both these docs and HL3 just another notch on the belt that holds up our waiting for vaporware? Are these Hilary Clinton documents going to come to us in a timely manner, or will it already be too late? What is the relation? Not a lot, but I really like playing around with the imagery of Valve’s logo and the concept of a leaky faucet with WikiLeaks. I’m nothing if not a selfish lover.

Trump supporters everywhere are incredibly disappointed. Not only did they not get what was promised to them, but they also can’t bust open crates as Gordon Freeman. Sure, they could go back and play the Portal games and Half-Life 1 and 2, but that’s just not the same. They want to be able to justify their ignorance, hatred, racism and xenophobia with documented evidence while they finally close out the story of Black Mesa. I mean, don’t we all?

We’re trying not to hold our breath on this one, but we fully believe that we won’t get any of what we want by the end of the year. I will say this, though. The chances of me fighting off headcrabs and Overwatch soldiers seems more likely to me than Assange and WikiLeaks delivering anything that is going to derail Clinton becoming our next President of the USA. I’m not sure which I’m more disappointed in, but at least in both cases I’d be playing out an end of the world scenario. Only,one of them would be fictional. Guess which one?

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The world has been waiting to see what the contents of Hillary Clinton’s deleted e-mails and data from her private server would yield and, finally, the FBI has delivered. Amidst all the political fluff, corporate lobbying and pictures of puppies and kittens, the one surprising element was how much porn there was on her server.

As a rule of thumb, for every gigabyte on the average hard drive, you can expect that about 2-300 megabytes of data is going to be porn, cartoon characters doing dirty things and naked pictures of ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends. By comparison, Clinton’s email server had a 700 gigabyte to 1 terabyte ratio. So for every 1000 gigabytes, 700 was porn. That’s a lot of porn.

This treasure trove or pornocupia also has tons of files marked (C) but we’ve figured out that those are not classified. The C stands for… something else. No, not that word, something much worse. It’s… well, let’s just say it rhymes with rum shots.

One interesting stand-out was a video that depicted a Monica Lewinsky lookalike in a threesome with two other women that we couldn’t recognize. We tried to figure out who they were, but by about 2 minutes and 37 seconds into the video, we lost interested and decided to go wash our hands.

Some other stand-out titles were:

• Bend-Ghazi Over
• The Oral Orifice
• Happy Birthday, Madam President
• 2 Girls, 1 Senator
• The Nuclear Foot and Balls
• The 2016 Presidential Erection
• Lobbyists and Labias
• 50 States To Loosen Your Lover In
• Rising On The Poles
• Separation of Church and Thighs
• The Clitons
• The Breast Wing
• Keep It In The First Family

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The CDC has released some information that many will find troubling and potentially disheartening. As many strains of sickness have seemed to affect millions, from coast to coast, the Zika virus and other cold/flu illnesses have been all over the media. However, just like Bernie Sanders, most major news organizations have been completely ignoring and avoiding the grand stomach flu that has swept the nation into a toilet clutching panic.

Thought to be a mass food poisoning, along with instances of water contamination at places like Flint, Michigan and 47 other states where it’s okay for poor people to die from drinking tap water, the actual source of the tremendous streams of diarrhea that have been flowing out of the populous is not even bacterial. In a landmark discovery, the Center for Disease Control has released their findings and people are just actually really sick of this upcoming Presidential election.

Yes, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump running for president has actually put such a distaste in politics for Americans that they are becoming physically ill from it.

“I saw an ad for Donald Trump’s campaign on my phone and immediately I had to vomit. I thought it was the Denny’s Moons Over My Hammy that I ate, but it turns out it was just seeing his horrible f*ck#ng face for the 5 billionth time. I can’t handle this. I’m spending more time on the toilet than I am with my children. They’re 12 and 14 now. They were born when he first announced his candidacy last year. How is this even possible? I hate this world,” Candace Flemington, a troubled mother from Boise, Idaho told us, with brown tears in her eyes.

Another voter voiced his discomfort over the other candidate, Hillary Clinton.

“I watched Hillary’s acceptance speech and my stomach was just tied up in knots. I thought it was the cinnamon rolls I had in the morning, but it didn’t make sense. I have those things every morning, by the dozen. If they never bothered me before, why would it bother me now? It had to be her. She wants my guns and to let illegals just run around this country like they own the place and that just made me sick to no end, out of both ends,” stated Charles Bodeé, clutching a roll of toilet paper like it was his gun.

A record number of people are expected to stay home from voting simply because they will be spending too much time on the toilet by the time November rolls around. As this article comes to a close, I took about 7 separate bathroom breaks. I’m sweating so much that I can barely type without a mistake, but thankfully spellcheck doesn’t care about politics and still knows how to do it’s job, unlike Congress. Be careful, drink lots of water (filtered, of course) and don’t worry, this will all be over soon, provided you don’t die from dehydration in the next few days

The post National Food Poisoning Epidemic Turns Out To Be Distaste Over Current Political Climate first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

To the surprise of many, mostly those who haven’t paying attention the last 39 years, Hillary Clinton has released her tax returns with some surprising information intact. While one would think that certain bits of information would remain concealed or at least be redacted with those fancy and menacing looking strikeouts, the most shocking info remains intact.

We all know that both of the Clintons make a metric ton of money doing speeches for educational and corporate events, but we didn’t really know about the lobby money coming from some of mankind’s most feared groups.

With $1.6 million dollars coming in from Spectre, it is an obvious to our foreign relations. The UK, one of our greatest allies, will want to know exactly what the heck she was thinking. Apparently, the world is not enough. She needed to look through the world with golden eyes and take any and all stocks and bonds from such an organization.

Equally as frightening are the $900k she took from the Sith as a “thank you” for helping her spread the ideas of a growing galactic empire. Thankfully, no one took her seriously at the senate, despite her usually being a force to reckon with in those side-choosing situations.

Even more problematic is the $2.7 million dollars from the multi-headed corporation known as HYDRA. While our sources say they have been part of the government for years, their campaign contributions have never been so transparent. Since the information was released, it seems like ties may have been cut, but two may have taken their place. We reached out to their CEO, only known as Viper, but have heard nothing in response.

Surprisingly enough, there were no contributions from Cobra, KAOS or even The Vatican. Also unsuspectingly absent were any records of ponies being purchased. We really thought they would have more ponies.

The post Hillary Clinton Releases Tax Returns, Reveals Ties To Potential Hate Groups and Terrorist Organizations first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.