Farmville, VA local, Edward Bernstain, somehow managed to spend a half hour at the vice-presidential debate at Longwood University, completely by mistake. He was baffled, especially at the fact that it took him that long to realize he was at the wrong event.

Expecting to show up to the Farmville “Fartville 94th Annual Farting and Belching Contest,” which was being held the same night, he was shocked to learn that he was at the wrong address.

“I had no idea what was going on. I walked in, sat down and expected to spend the next couple of hours laughing, watching grown men release lots of hot air, stink up the place with foul noises and overall enjoy the spectacle. What I got, instead, was a totally different kind of noisy asshole on stage. It wasn’t anywhere near as fun, but I really couldn’t tell the difference for a while.” Edward Bernstain was disappointed but realized that most of the folks that were there, surrounding him, didn’t really look like they wanted to be there either.

“I knew something was off because people around me started getting angry and heated. I usually don’t see that at a good, old fashioned farting contest. Then, when I realized that the guys on stage had been talking all this time, and not farting or burping, it really started to sink in. I mean, who could really tell the difference? No one around me looked happy to be there, either. Did we all walk into the wrong event?”

No, Edward. They all knew what they were going to get but were still as disappointed as you. I think right now the whole world could have benefitted from a nice fart and belch contest, instead.

The post Man Mistakenly Walks Into VP Debate Instead of Fart Contest, Doesn’t Notice For 30 Minutes first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

If there is anything that has become more clear with the first presidential debate of 2016, it’s that Lester Holt has no upper lip. Thank goodness for closed captioning or else those with hearing difficulty would have no idea what the questions were, especially since many were never actually answered.

Upon entering the fight stage, you could see an incredible look with Trump’s ridiculous sour face of confidence, with his eyes looking like they were each a separate butt-hole. If I ever meet him, I’ll have to call him “Ass Eyes” and see if he knows just what the hell I’m talking about.

As for Hillary, she looked completely bored upon entering. Oddly enough, within minutes, Donald looked like he was falling asleep. Then questions started being asked and he looked like a caffeine riddled jack rabbit.

First up on the list of questions, job creation and the false pleasantries that I hate at this sort of thing.  I don’t care who’s birthday it is, Hillary. Not even if it’s your granddaughter. Small business jobs are important, and so is the national minimum wage, as well as equal pay. Profit sharing is a great idea. That’s all great, but I don’t give a crap about your granddaughter. She will never have to worry about money as long as she lives, or about getting a job. She’s the granddaughter of one of the richest, most powerful couples on the planet! How about me? I’m broke. Worry about me.

Man, she really listened to a lot of Bernie Sanders. All of her campaign speak has changed and she’s not really saying the things she used to. She copied the Sanders playbook and she’s going to try hard to win his fans over. But the one thing I couldn’t understand is why she wouldn’t stop nodding her head with every single damn word. It was like watching a ball bounce at the “Take Me Out To The Ball Game” during the 7th inning stretch at Yankees Stadium.

We also learned that Mexico and China are the most terrifying places on the planet to Trump. He also can’t say a sentence without repeating one word at least 3 times. I’m fairly certain that you could easily create a Trump speech generator, thanks to his incredibly predictable speech pattern. Here is my attempt at talking about hot dogs as Donald Trump.

You ask me about hot dogs and I’ve got to say, I’ve had the best hot dogs. Let me tell you, you can have them with ketchup and mustard. Why mustard? I don’t know, I mean I don’t really like mustard but some people. I’m not a fan of them or mustard, but you can do that, you know? This I can tell you, I mean you must understand, I am a business person. Hot dogs are money. You can make a lot of money with hot dogs and if I wanted to start a new business, I’d be the best at hot dogs. My friends would tell you, they’d say, man that Donald really knows what he’s doing about hot dogs.

Trump goes on to insist that Ford is leaving the USA for Mexico, but he was wrong. Ford isn’t leaving Michigan, they are opening more plants in other places, but they aren’t leaving the USA. They will still be using that plant to build more cars that Donald Trump can hide his tax returns in. He just REALLY hates Mexico. Is it because they get to drink Coke with actual sugar in it? Does he really like Coke that much?

He insists that there should be cuts to big business taxes, but large company tax decreases aren’t going to help job growth, they are just going to help the owners of big businesses, only. He kept pressing the idea of trickle down economics, without calling them that and Hillary boldly called him out on it. She looked very much like the tattle tale kid in your school class that let the teacher know that you were the one that spilled the glue in the closet, but she was still right. She just didn’t have to looks so happy about it, though. She should be more terrified that he’s even this close to becoming the president, but she’s laughing and yukking it up there next to him. So many smiles for so many of the wrong reasons.

She then goes on to talk about making mores smart trade deals, but does she mean like TPP? So far many people aren’t to crazy about the whole TPP thing. I don’t know how to feel about the whole situation with so many mixed opinions on it, but I do know that we need something new. She then goes on about her father being a garment maker and basically taught the world how to silkscreen. Tomorrow everyone will be making t-shirts.

As the debate goes on, Trump’s eyes get smaller. His eyes looked dilated and he couldn’t stop sniffing. I think the 25 million jobs he plans on creating are coke dealers.

Then he makes his biggest gaff: he wants to tax imported cookies? Screw this guy. We like cookies. Every American likes cookies. You know how you make America great again? More damn good cookies, folks. That’s how. Hillary then calls out Donald on his “climate change is a Chinese hoax” to which he says he didn’t say it… but he did.

The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 6, 2012

Cutting regulations somehow leads to an Isis bomb by Donald Trump, somehow asserting that they’ve been around for 30 years. This debate is just insane. Yelling, screaming and very little factual basis. It’s almost like listening to an arranged marriage couple argue about divorcing. It might all be because of this Trump poop hole Hillary brought up. I knew it. I knew they were going to go there.

The man who wants to talk about increasing taxes won’t admit where his taxes are going, if he’s even paying any and why he’s getting audited, but he won’t release them even though he can. He brags about being audited for the past 15 years, nonstop. That sounds pretty terrible. He contributes no money from his income towards making america great again? That’s kind of crappy.

Our airports are the worst things in the world, according to Donald Trump. I mean, they do kind of suck, but this is the kind of stuff you expect from a really crappy stand-up comedian that’s just starting. I’m surprised he didn’t complain about airline food, but he is in fact a big fan of the show Law and Order. He probably likes watching it on his private jet.

All of a sudden he’s for gun control… but he’s not for gun control. Stop and frisk is his version of gun control? Hillary now sides with the idea that there is institutionalized racism and comes down on for profit prisons.

When it comes to wrongful listings on the no-fly list, Trump wants to help people get off. How nice. I’m guessing his daughter is on that list, because he seems to want to get her off all the time.

I think at this point I was not capable of keeping all the B.S. that was being flung back and forth from knocking me out. The rest of the debate is just so ridiculous, especially once they get the point of nuclear weapons. Hillary Clinton actually knows about our treaties that Trump seems to just not even know exists with the way he blurts out boastful responses to ideas on attacks and wars.

Finally, Trump says something that makes sense: we can’t police the world, though he pretty much wants to. The USA being world police is a pretty bad idea, but so is us not trying to help out other countries when they actually do need it. We need a happy medium, for sure. I’m not sure that selling Iran tons of weapons is that medium, either. Boy, we are really screwed here.

Overall, the debate was exactly what we thought it was going to be: lots of lying, lots of name calling, lots of yelling and lots of cocaine. Really, it seems like there was a ridiculous amount of cocaine sniffed before this one. Who won? I think it was Hillary. Do I care any more than I did yesterday? No, not really. I’m still mortified for our future.

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