While the United States has to deal with rampant misogyny, sexism, racism, rape culture and the constant licking and sniffing of the glass ceiling, France is trying to change how we see women in power and remove all hope from our thoughts. As Marine Le Pen, the head of the National Front and potential new leader of the French world, makes her way towards the croissant office, she takes a new approach of hate, ignorance and bigotry usually only associated with male politicians.

This all-new, all-different, gender-swapped reboot of the Brexit and Trump mistakes, that have shown just how stupid the planet is, hopes to assert that, yes, women can be vapid, bigoted, racist and the crappy offspring of awful politicians, too.

Shockingly enough, we have not observed much of the French media having any discussions about her attire, style, looks or attractiveness. A large contrast to what would happen if she was running for leadership in the United States, we might prefer to have those crappy things happen here than have her try to ruin our already ruined political landscape any further.

Marine Le Pen, who’s name roughly translates to Water The Pen, could potentially join Kim Jong Un, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin as the most made fun of, hard to take seriously heads of state that wound up taking over their countries and becoming more memes than actual leaders.

The post Marine Le Pen Determined To Prove Women Are Equally Awful first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Americans all over the country took to social media to show off their “I Voted” stickers today, but for some people, the acknowledgement sadly was not there. From state to state, city to city, complaints were registered on-line by folks who were shocked to find out that there were no stickers waiting for them after they did their civic duty.

Disappointed voters were met with outrage, disbelief and a feeling of disenfranchisement with the entire voting system in the United States. “What was the point? If I don’t get to wear a sticker that tells everyone that I voted, how will they even believe me? Will my vote even count?” Dianne Zeldamenn of Hoboken, NJ asked, with deep concern.

The answer, surprisingly, is no. Your vote did not count. The United States only officially acknowledges votes that were awarded an “I Voted” sticker. All non-stickered votes are considered backup votes that will only come to play if there is a tie breaker necessary.

Entire counties, cities and maybe even states may have registered thousands upon thousands of votes that may never be accepted as “real” unless things get really heated and close.

How about you? Did you get a sticker? Sign off in the comments below and let us know how you feel.

The post Thousands Of Americans Denied “I Voted” Stickers, Invalidating Their Votes first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

After a man made an obvious threat against Donald Trump’s life, Republicans are trying to fast track a motion that bans signs, banners and anything else that people might use at a rally to harm their beloved candidate.

While the secret service attacked and pummeled the man, who turned to to be a republican with an anti-trump sign, they are being heralded for their bravery against things with words on them. Reading isn’t exactly the strongest suit of this party, so anything with words on it can pose a threat.

On top of that, the possibility of beheading Donald Trump was a grim reality they had to face, as a larger paper sign might be able to cause the world’s most lethal paper cut. The crowd was stunned as not a single gun was pulled out to shoot the man with the sign, considering how much these people love to talk about how one good guy with a gun could defeat any possible threat. What we learned is that signs and banners are far more dangerous than any gun, since the entire crowd was looking to disperse. It looked like the earth had opened up and giant spiders were chasing them from the opening, judging by the fear in their eyes and incapability they had to protect themselves against reading his sign.

They are set to claim that these weapons, often used during acts of of textual harassment, are not covered by the second amendment rights, as they are not firearms. I guess what I’m really trying to say is, these people are idiots. The measure is not expect to pass as that would require congress to actually meet and do something.

The post Republicans Motion To Ban Signs Claiming They Are Not Covered By 2nd Amendment first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Darrell Castle vs. Monica Moorehead? How about Rocky Roque De La Fuente vs. Alyson Kennedy? Does Gloria La Riva ring a bell for you? No? Well, don’t you fret, no one else knows who they are, either!

The sample ballots are in and Americans are terrified at all these “ethnic sounding names” on the ballot! If you thought Barack Obama sounded exotic, you’re totally going to get goosebumps and a semi-chub reading the full list of presidential candidates in the United States. Other, less cultured Americans, however, will be purely horrified at the thought that so many foreigners, that were all born in the USA, have infiltrated their precious little ballots.

“I knew about Jill Stein and that Johnson guy, but what the hell is it with all these Latino names on the ballot? I never heard of them before. I mean, I was okay with Hillary Clinton running for president, even though she’s a she, but I have to call a spade a spade, or a spade a spic or whatever you want to call it. These Spanish names just don’t do it for me. They don’t sound very American to me,” said Hector La Rosa, an Italian man from Las Cruces, which is in Doña Ana County, New Mexico. “Why weren’t they on the debates? I watched all three of those things and it was just Hillary and Trump. If they were real candidates, they would have been on there!”

Unfortunately, independent candidates don’t get to debate with Republicans and Democrats on a national level unless they reach 15% of the total votes in the electorate. The odds of that, however, are basically slim to none, especially when so many of the 3rd party candidates are Hispanic or at least carry the Hispanic or “ethnic” names of their parentage. Even the white candidates couldn’t muster up that kind of support, simply because they came off too much like the “nerds” in the back of the class, laughing when people were making fun of them to their face, or because they were just really high every time someone asked them really important questions. We’re looking at you, Gary Johnson.

So, when someone asks you who you supported, and you give them a 3rd party name, just know that even that name will get you judgment, staring and a whole lot of WTF?! from the people you might stop calling your friends after November 8th.

The post Americans Terrified By Sample Ballot Showing More Than 4 Candidates For President first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

The House Freedom Caucus are a bit afraid of any and all possible regime changes as we head towards next week’s election. As 34 Senate seats and all 435 House seats are up for reelection, the possibility that Congress will have to be a functioning body of our government system is a very real and possible threat to them.

After what felt like an endless stream of years worth of work refusals, filibustering and all around refusal to do anything, while still getting paid to be there, replacing many of these cold, dead bodies with new, warm living bodies could change things, immensely. If the democrats become the new majority, the possibility of them doing things, like passing bills, discussing policy and just working, in general, will feel completely foreign to any and all that retain their positions in Congress.

Surprisingly, the Republicans have been adamant about term limits being adopted, though they would have much to lose from an imposition that causes lifeless corpses being removed from our government. It’s as if they want to enact the things that Bernie Sanders has been fighting for in order to get rid of Bernie Sanders.

“I don’t really want to show up, or do anything, for that matter, but we need term limits. I think all republicans in office should get a chance to be here. It’s pretty awesome. Imagine the longest vacation you ever took, with the best pay you’ve ever been paid. I love being part of this. You can nap as much as you want, and hell, sometimes we even watch porn on our laptops. No one cares! Nothing is happening here. Who wants to listen to these boring people talk, anyhow? Term limits would be a good thing, so that everyone could get a chance to be here. Plus, we really need more hot, young women here. I don’t even care if they might turn out to be democrats, we can figure something out,” said Roy Blunt from Missouri.

We’ll just have to wait and see, next week, to find out if the vacation is over for these do-nothing politicians.

The post House Republicans Afraid They Might Have To Start Working Again In 2017 first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

The real-life terror that is this year’s Halloween story, is not for the faint of heart. The toughest part about something like this is describing him in rhyme, when nothing rhymes with orange. We shall try, anyway:

‘Twas the day of Halloween,
And choices were so near.
Choose the Nasty Woman,
Or the beast with hair so queer?

He, with gnashing teeth,
And she with boxy attire.
Here eyes were loopy and crazy,
His skin like a raging fire

She promised all the world
The opposite of herself.
He promised Mexicans
He’d put them on a shelf.

He spit and cursed and raged,
And ran his mouth till bloody.
Could all of this be staged?
Even if it is, it still isn’t so funny.

The Demented Orange Beast,
Set himself to take us over.
From West up to the East,
From Seattle out to Dover.

Fear entrenched the land,
Small children were crying.
The hopes of freedom and peace,
Were dreams that ll were dying.

In less than just a week,
You get to make a choice.
Do you settle for a beast,
Or do you hate that woman’s voice?

The choice is really yours,
That’s the most terrifying.
Because people are the worst,
Most without even trying.

 

The post The Demented Orange Beast: A Halloween Poem first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

After vandals have desecrated the Donald Trump star at the Hollywood Walk of Fame, those that run the much celebrated cultural icon were stuck trying to figure out what to do next. Replacing the star with an identical one would just leave it open to further vandalism and destruction. Removing it completely would set a nasty precedent for future famous people’s stars, after they say or do something people don’t like agree with. Think of how many stars would be wiped out just because of Scientology or date rape drugs?

Finally, after much debate and problem solving, the board came up with a solution: let’s give Trump a new, brown star. It would replace the damaged star but let people know, “yes, we think he’s an asshole, too.”

It allows Donald Trump to maintain his status as a person of note and fame on the Walk, but it still separates him from those that we generally think should be applauded. While someone like “Weird Al” Yankovic had to wait many years to finally get his deserved star, it makes many people wonder why Trump should have one. “Weird Al” is known to be kind, compassionate and have actual talents and merit that have made him relevant every year he’s been active as a musician. Donald Trump? Not so much.

So the best solution, really, is to let him have his damn star but change it up a bit. Give him the brown star he deserves. A brown eye for a brown eye, an asshole for an asshole.

The post Walk of Fame Replaces Donald Trump’s Tribute With Brown Star first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

The figures have just come in and depending on your political leaning, your candidate seems to be winning. This information is a big change over the last election, where your candidate didn’t seem to be winning, but was a sure bet. It seems that even though your candidate may have lost last time, you’re pretty sure your candidate will win. This is simply because you’re still beholden to the same biased news site for all of your media intake.

Yes, you love your candidate, and so does your choice of politically biased news programming. You’ve never really tuned into it to get more information, or learn a damn thing about your opposing party or candidate that might make you like them, you just want to be affirmed of your thoughts and feelings.

You feel justified when they tell you things you already feel to be true. You love you and you don’t ever want being yourself to be challenged and that’s totally fine. If you don’t love you, no one else will… and no one else probably does. Does your politics make you who you are? Probably. Should they? No. Your politics should be determined by who you are, not the other way around.

Statistics, facts, the truth: those are all malleable things to you. Why would you need to listen to anything else but your valued, trusted and favorite news source that tells you all the things you already knew?

Just revel in the fact that your candidate is winning. But, please, don’t turn to that other website, channel or newspaper for information, because then you’ll find out that the other candidate is winning, too. That will just upset you more than you already are about this election.

The post Your Preferred Candidate Is Leading In The Polls Of Your Favorite News Source first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Well, no one saw that coming. After a very tense night of wondering who was next, American’s decided that they like Negan more than their current choices for president, especially Donald Trump.

“I like that he speaks his mind. I mean, he said that he would punish people for acting out against him, and he did. He’s a straight shooter, that guy. You know exactly what you’re going to get, and I respect that,” said Sherri Chasmer, a Negan supporter who was in the middle of crafting herself her very own barbed-wire bat. “You can’t argue with honesty, you know?”

Even despite the fact that he caved in the head of not one, but two of America’s favorite people that have joined Rick Grimes after the zombie apocalypse, his popularity is still at an all time high.

“I know he does terrible things, treats women like garbage and has bashed in the heads of some decent people, but that man has charisma. You just have to like him. He’s quick with a joke and he doesn’t really cut with the B.S. like all the other politicians. I really get him. He feels like one of us. He curses like a sailor, says filthy things all the time and it never feels like he’s trying to be someone he isn’t. I can respect that in a leader. I just hope that if he becomes president that I never have to meet Lucille,” echoed another Negan supporter who asked to remain nameless, in case Negan’s favorite first lady, Lucille, felt a little thirsty for some cranial blood.

So, presented with the options of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, there could be a serious contender for the write-in vote with Negan. The man with no last name would be the first confirmed murderer to win the presidency, if that ever happened, and also the first president with just one name. Yes, Obama does have a first name. Go look it up, you savages.

The post Americans Would Rather Vote For Negan first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

We keep on hearing it. 2016 is the worst year, ever. The year of the reaper is taking our best. According to Trump, Mexico doesn’t send their best, but apparently, the Grim Reaper keeps taking the best, from everywhere. We’ve lost amazing musicians, fantastic actors, great writers, award winning comic book artists and creators, but we still have a gaggle of douches here on this planet that we’d totally love to trade in.

If you’re a comic book fan, you’ve been rocked by the terrible news that Steve Dillon (Preacher, Punisher, Hellblazer)  has passed away. Earlier we lost Darwyn Cooke (Catwoman, Richard Stark’s Parker, New Frontier) as well, and who knows who else might leave us by the year’s end.

And yet, we still have Donald Trump. Can we make a trade? How about Scott Baio? Yeah, they might both make us laugh at them, but that’s no reason to keep them around. Who do we have to call to make this happen?

So, those two would get us our comic greats back. Who do we go after for Prince, David Bowie and Lemmy? Yeah, I know Lemmy died in 2015, but it was so close to the end of the year that I think it counts. Besides, I’d trade probably half of the senate or congress just to get Lemmy back.

Oh man, Mike Pence has to have some value on the soule market. He’s a surefire hatemonger and would be the perfect person to trade-in to get someone we all love back. Mike Pence can leave and we can get Gene Wilder back! That sounds like such a sound and perfect deal to me.

Phife Dawg from A Tribe Called Quest is a tough one to lose, as well. Sorry, Rudy Giuliani, it’s time for you to go.

Really, we can clean house this way. Get back all the worthwhile humans, the talented and the best we’ve ever known. I have some cousins and friends I’d like to get back as well. Sure, you may not know them, but they’re definitely better than the garbage politicians, hate mongers, racists, misogynists, rapists and human monsters we have in or running for office. Come to think of it, those words could apply to just one person in a few cases.

So, Grim Reaper, buddy, baby. Can we make a deal?

The post 2016 Continues To Go After The Wrong People first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.