In a stunning victory for black market organ dealers and 3rd world unlicensed surgeons, 217 American House Republicans unknowingly signed up to have their kidneys, livers and other internal organs harvested.

As they fought to dismantled the Affordable Care Act, they had no idea that they were signing themselves up to be found cold, naked and confused in a bathtub filled with ice. As a major blow against the average human in the USA was dealt, those in black market medical practices are incredibly happy with today’s outcome.

“We’re going to do so much business with these parts. It’s going to be like Christmas for anyone who needs a good kidney. You see, these senators and congressmen all have decent health plans and they don’t care what they do to anyone else’s lives, so they are perfect organ candidates. We generally don’t give a crap about where these organs come from, as long as they are nice, fresh and clean. Having decent healthcare, however, narrows down our targets, immensely. Sure, the Democrats would be nice targets, too, but we rather get processing organs from people who don’t smoke so much weed,” street-level surgeon, Siddhartha “The Slicer” Singh told us, today.

Since the average american will be losing their healthcare, the prospects are narrowed down to those with money or cushy government jobs. With these folks just lining up to support a system where amateur medicine, self-medicating and home remedies take over the affordable prospects of healthcare, it only makes sense that they also be viewed as the first folks to steal organs from when they are needed.

There is no word on when the first organs will be harvested but we expect a few “accidents” will be happening shortly.

The post 217 Republican Names Have Been Added To Black Market Organ Harvesting List first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

After a man made an obvious threat against Donald Trump’s life, Republicans are trying to fast track a motion that bans signs, banners and anything else that people might use at a rally to harm their beloved candidate.

While the secret service attacked and pummeled the man, who turned to to be a republican with an anti-trump sign, they are being heralded for their bravery against things with words on them. Reading isn’t exactly the strongest suit of this party, so anything with words on it can pose a threat.

On top of that, the possibility of beheading Donald Trump was a grim reality they had to face, as a larger paper sign might be able to cause the world’s most lethal paper cut. The crowd was stunned as not a single gun was pulled out to shoot the man with the sign, considering how much these people love to talk about how one good guy with a gun could defeat any possible threat. What we learned is that signs and banners are far more dangerous than any gun, since the entire crowd was looking to disperse. It looked like the earth had opened up and giant spiders were chasing them from the opening, judging by the fear in their eyes and incapability they had to protect themselves against reading his sign.

They are set to claim that these weapons, often used during acts of of textual harassment, are not covered by the second amendment rights, as they are not firearms. I guess what I’m really trying to say is, these people are idiots. The measure is not expect to pass as that would require congress to actually meet and do something.

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The House Freedom Caucus are a bit afraid of any and all possible regime changes as we head towards next week’s election. As 34 Senate seats and all 435 House seats are up for reelection, the possibility that Congress will have to be a functioning body of our government system is a very real and possible threat to them.

After what felt like an endless stream of years worth of work refusals, filibustering and all around refusal to do anything, while still getting paid to be there, replacing many of these cold, dead bodies with new, warm living bodies could change things, immensely. If the democrats become the new majority, the possibility of them doing things, like passing bills, discussing policy and just working, in general, will feel completely foreign to any and all that retain their positions in Congress.

Surprisingly, the Republicans have been adamant about term limits being adopted, though they would have much to lose from an imposition that causes lifeless corpses being removed from our government. It’s as if they want to enact the things that Bernie Sanders has been fighting for in order to get rid of Bernie Sanders.

“I don’t really want to show up, or do anything, for that matter, but we need term limits. I think all republicans in office should get a chance to be here. It’s pretty awesome. Imagine the longest vacation you ever took, with the best pay you’ve ever been paid. I love being part of this. You can nap as much as you want, and hell, sometimes we even watch porn on our laptops. No one cares! Nothing is happening here. Who wants to listen to these boring people talk, anyhow? Term limits would be a good thing, so that everyone could get a chance to be here. Plus, we really need more hot, young women here. I don’t even care if they might turn out to be democrats, we can figure something out,” said Roy Blunt from Missouri.

We’ll just have to wait and see, next week, to find out if the vacation is over for these do-nothing politicians.

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When you first walk into a room at a party, there is a certain amount of acknowledgment you expect to get from your friends and family that already in there. Do you go up to greet them or do they come up to greet you? There are many factors that will attribute to this situation and the choices that come with it, but in general, we call that the “first hail.” It shows who cares and respects about the other, especially when it comes to effort in acknowledging your presence.

Well, both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have a big problem with the “first hail” or really any hail at all. The KKK and associates of the KKK have openly endorsed Donald Trump, but he acts like your old girlfriend that kept her relationship with you on the down low because she was too embarrassed to let everyone know she was having the sex with you… even though she liked it… a lot. See, the KKK is just not attractive enough for Trump. They are like at a 4 or 5 and he’s all about 9s and 10s. I mean, hell, that’s his biggest defence for not sexually assaulting any of the women he deems physically unfit for his sexual scrutiny.

How about Trump’s old buddy from the Mafia days of Atlantic City,  Robert LiButti? There is video from Wrestlmania IV in Atlantic City, NJ that shows them together. 1988 wasn’t that long ago to completely forget the whole thing. He’s trying to act like they were never buddies when they probably shared high-priced prostitutes and cocaine that night. How could you forget a night like that, especially when Macho Man Randy Savage beat Ted Dibiase, The Million Dollar Man? We remember!

Now, Hillary Clinton isn’t exempt from this level of forgetfulness, either. I mean, she’s known Sidney Blumenthal for decades, but you’d only know that because Trump won’t stop saying his name. The man was a bit of a monster towards Bill Clinton’s mistresses as well as alleged sexual assault victims, so we can understand her wanting to keep the distance, but it’s not fooling anyone. You don’t forget a man like this exists… unless of course, he is Donald Trump.

You know, one of her oldest friends? I mean, she and Bill were guests at his wedding, after all. They were all together, having drinks, laughing, plotting the destruction of our planet and the withering of our souls, 11 years ago. Here we are, about to watch their plans take fruition. They’re buddies, but you would never know by how they act in the room together.

Do they have hate sex when we aren’t watching? I really hope they don’t. Just the vision of that is terrifying… but not improbable. They have brought each other more money than either of us will ever see in our lifetimes, but they can’t remember that they are friends.

Now, the point of all of this, really, is that if you can’t remember who your friends are, how can you take care of your citizens? Yeah, there was a point to all of this. I think I might just get there, if you give me a few seconds.

If you can’t remember who your friends are then you will also be quick to make new enemies. When your friends rank so low that they get tossed out with the dirty laundry, because they don’t suit your current needs, so will whatever demographic you are pandering to at the moment.

The fried chicken, the hot sauce, the baby kissing and yes, even calling people “the blacks” are all a form of pandering, but just to the people you’re going to forget when you don’t need them. So, members of the Ku Klux Klan, mafia and the rest of the United states, you have to ask yourself this question: do you want these people to forget you exist? They are already acting like they do. Even the Lannisters in Game of Thrones never forget a debt, and those people are monsters.

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After vandals have desecrated the Donald Trump star at the Hollywood Walk of Fame, those that run the much celebrated cultural icon were stuck trying to figure out what to do next. Replacing the star with an identical one would just leave it open to further vandalism and destruction. Removing it completely would set a nasty precedent for future famous people’s stars, after they say or do something people don’t like agree with. Think of how many stars would be wiped out just because of Scientology or date rape drugs?

Finally, after much debate and problem solving, the board came up with a solution: let’s give Trump a new, brown star. It would replace the damaged star but let people know, “yes, we think he’s an asshole, too.”

It allows Donald Trump to maintain his status as a person of note and fame on the Walk, but it still separates him from those that we generally think should be applauded. While someone like “Weird Al” Yankovic had to wait many years to finally get his deserved star, it makes many people wonder why Trump should have one. “Weird Al” is known to be kind, compassionate and have actual talents and merit that have made him relevant every year he’s been active as a musician. Donald Trump? Not so much.

So the best solution, really, is to let him have his damn star but change it up a bit. Give him the brown star he deserves. A brown eye for a brown eye, an asshole for an asshole.

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A shocking revelation has come about during this election cycle, as only six of the nation’s newspapers have endorsed Donald Trump, or at least are willing to admit it. While even the most hardcore Republicans have stepped away from backing their dark horse candidate, like they were about to step into a puddle of herpes, these few papers have stood their ground. The average Trump supporter, however, hasn’t even noticed because they simply don’t read newspapers.

Oddly enough, sales figures suggest that many are actively buying these papers, they just aren’t reading them. We went out to question a few of the neighbors in these towns, and the results weren’t very surprising or shocking, but they were a bit telling.

“I love the crossword puzzles. Now, I don’t actually fill them out. I don’t have that kind of time, but I like staring at the black and white spaces. I like how the blacks and whites are separated, and there are no gray spaces. I love that about crossword puzzles,” said Tammy Boreson. We caught her just as she was walking out of her doctor’s office, getting a checkup for her tubal ligation. Thank goodness, for that.

We spotted a copy of Waxahachie Daily Light on a porch front that just happened to have a Trump/Pence banner on the front fence. We rang the doorbell and out came Orville Niles, who seemed a bit angry at us. “You rang my doorbell just because of some flippin’ newspaper? Yeah, I get it every day. I don’t know why, though. I think the person who owned this house before me used to get it and these people just never bothered to stop sending it. I use it to pick up my dog’s crap and whack her on the nose when she does the wrong thing. You really need to keep a bitch in her place. I don’t bother reading it, though, because of the Liberal Media. All the media is liberal. All of it. You even need to go to a Liberal arts school just to write for these damn things. Were are the conservative arts schools? Nowhere, because the whole system is rigged and newspapers are for communist, liberal scum. If I could burn every newspaper in the country, I would. How’s that for your goddamn energy independence? Burn them papers and we’d have enough energy to fuel the whole damn country. No one thinks of things like that because they keep reading these liberal things and just want to watch lesbians kiss and have gay sex with children. I tell you, they’re poison.”

Needless to say, after that interaction we decided it was best if we went home and cried about the state of things.

The post Only Six Newspapers Endorsed Trump But His Supporters Didn’t Notice Because They Don’t Read first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

At the ripe, old age of 162 years, it is feared that the Republican Party has passed away in it’s sleep. After a post-depression identity crisis, the Republican Party looked to be having a momentary lapse of judgment, but it looks now like that was more like an aneurysm with some very serious and grave consequences.

Much like the Great Barrier Reef, Prince, David Bowie and so many beloved others that have come to meet the reaper in 2016, the Republican Party, too, looks to have had one last stand and let out it’s last breath.

We have not had any confirmation from those close to the potentially deceased, but just about every news outlet is reporting the demise of one of our national pillars. Even those flying under the banner of the GOP aren’t being acknowledged by many of those that were once part of it, anymore. It looks like some of the RINO (Republicans In Name Only) camp are trying to resuscitate it, but so far there has been no response or report of vital signs.

We expect that after family is notified we may finally get an official response to the media, a full time and cause of death as well as when and where services can be expected. Until then, let’s remember the good things that the Republican Party have brought us, like Abraham Lincoln, the Civil Rights Act, The 19th Amendment and the time that some guy threw a shoe at George W. Bush’s head.

Oh, the memories.

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It really does take a lot to offend the sensibilities of a rat, but it has happened, and this time you can blame the media. Yes, the conspiracy theorists cries of “blame the media” are actually valid, as from one major site and newspaper to the next, all you can see are headlines like “Republicans Flee Backing Of Trump Like Rats From A Sinking Ship.” This imagery is painted, repeatedly, from one source to another, fostering one of the oldest cliches we have ever heard, as humans.

Well, some rats have noticed and they are not happy with the comparison. One in particular, Buck Muridae, has written an open letter to the media in hopes that the offensive, and potentially racist, stereotype doesn’t continue.

Dear members of the media,

I am a rat. I am proud to be a rat. My ancestors and I have survived untold horrors perpetrated by humans, other animals and nature alike, just to be able to forage into a new world, lead a better life and care for our children. Some of us even had to eat our children to survive, but those of us that have made it to see this day do not deserve the unjust slighting we are getting at this moment.

You have been rallying your hatred behind this terrible, offensive human being and are now shocked that he’s been terrible and offensive in the past? Well, that’s all fine and good, until you bring my family and friends into it. Comparing the GOP pulling out of support for Donald Trump to that of us rats fleeing a sinking ship is not only ignorant, but tone deaf, offensive and, yes, racist. The trials and tribulations that my ancestors have faced, during their travels to the United States and other places abroad should not be trivialized. It’s bad enough that we had to compete with mice and other, lesser rodents that never gave us credit or appreciation for sharing the grains and food that we salvaged from these wrecks. Having humans turn our misfortune into a catchy cliche, on every newspaper and website is just a huge slap in the face.

How would you like it if a newspaper said something like “Republicans jump out of the GOP like people jumping out of a collapsing skyscraper?” Does that sound catchy to you? Oh, I bet you’re offended by that one, and you should be. This is the same kind of treatment we’re getting. Not only do you leave us to eat your scarps and garbage, but judging by your headlines you think we are the garbage.

If you agree with me, then please, share this message. Be our ally. This isn’t about being politically correct, this is about doing the right thing.

Sincerely,
Buck Muridae – A rat and proud

The post Rats Fleeing Sinking Ship Offended By Comparison To GOP first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Stephen Hawking is one of our last living geniuses. As far as science is concerned, we have many amazing, brilliant scientists alive at the moment, thankfully. Genius, however, is rare and not a word we can easily throw around. That being said, Stephen Hawking is, without a doubt, one of the most brilliant minds on the planet.

This year, Donald Trump has made many ridiculous claims against climate change and dismissing it as a hoax. He’s even gone as far as to say that the United States should issue a “Parexit,” otherwise known as exiting the Paris Accord. If you don’t already know, the Paris Agreement was reached by 195 countries at the United Nations Climate Change Conference in Paris in 2015, aimed at coordinating global efforts to fight climate change and try to undo some of the damage we have already done.

Basically, Donald Trump wants us to withdraw and somehow act like we have no horse in the race, like acid rain clouds, hurricanes, earthquakes and ozone layer holes are just going to skip over the United States or that the melting polar ice caps are just going to ignore us. Frankly, he’s a moron and now Stephen Hawking has drafted a letter to let him know.

Dear Mr. Trump,

At this point in time, I have found it necessary to reach out to you and educate you on some finer points of science. If you continue to insist on these ridiculous notions that are going against already agreed upon factors that have been looked at by the world’s leading scientists, I am afraid that we are going to have to give you a scientific demonstration. You see, with every action comes an equal and opposite reaction. As it stands, when one makes bold, asinine comments, such as the ones you have been making, the community you are rallying against has but one recourse: to respond, in kind. So, with that being said, let me start with some indisputable scientific facts that will help to cement the idea in your head that you have spoken out of turn and that you are going against science: I’m going to kick your f*cking ass!

That’s simply it. You keep running your goddamn mouth about some sh*t you don’t know anything about, and we’re going to have to beat you down until you wish you had your mama’s teats to suck on again. You’re going to cry like the big, fat baby you are. I’m going to take my motorized wheelchair and run a few laps on your ass, until the only thing you can see are treadmarks. You’re going to wander through the world naked, blind and cold, until I run you over again and spin my wheels in between your buttcheeks. It’s game over for you, bitch. I grew up on the mean streets of Oxford. Do you know what it’s like out there? We use baby fingers for christmas crackers. Now I’m just going to use your goddamn face. This is science, bitch. We’re going to end you.

Respectfully,

Stephen Hawking

The post Stephen Hawking To Trump: “I’m Going To Kick Your F*cking Ass!” first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.