As you may have heard, Mike Pence was using a private e-mail address for work and was phished out of his information in some ridiculous scheme reminiscent of the Nigerian Prince spam you and I always ignore. We ignore it because we’re beings of logic, reason and intellect. The same can’t generally be said of someone who is homophobic, thinks you can pray the gay away and who replaced that hacked e-mail address with an AOL account. Come on now, AOL? Does he also surf the internet on WebTV?

Anyhow, we’ve been able to go through those e-mails and while we can go into detail about how boring it is to work in Indiana government, we’d rather tell you what we were shocked to NOT find in those e-mails.

1. Racist Memes 
   Sure, they start out innocently enough, with some joke about a Mexican guy in a sombrero saying “started from the border, now we’re here,” but then they usually wind up unearthing a deeper, more racist approach in a bold fashion that is a bit more than we want to experience. While we saw a few weird Obama memes in his e-mails, any traces of racism were shockingly not to be found.
2. That New Healthcare Plan That Is So Hard To Find
   The Senate Republicans can’t seem to find that new healthcare plan that was designed to replace The Affordable Care Act, aka “Obamacare,” with something that would be better. They spent a bunch of time looking for it in a few rooms and wouldn’t let anyone else in to help them. It was like a kid saying he just can’t find his homework, but he knew he did it, as he makes a spectacle in front of the class looking for a piece of paper that only he knows doesn’t exist. We were hopeful that it would be found in Mike Pence’s e-mails, but no, it was all for naught.
3. Grindr Account Confirmation E-Mails
   We feel like there is a little bit of “The lady doth protest too much, methinks,” in Pence, except in this case it’s not a lady, but Mike Pence. His full on initiative against homosexuals is reminiscent of some other far-right, anti-gay politicians that wound up being found with other men in bathrooms, board rooms and other tight spaces that they thought they would not be found. We were very shocked to not see any Grindr profile evidence or other traces of pent-up, self-hating, man love in his E-Mails, but we did see an Amazon order receipt for a Midnight Cowboy DVD. Cheap-ass Pence wouldn’t even spring for Blu-Ray version. It’s only $4 more, Mikey. Jeez.
4. Orders From His Robot Overlords
   We already told you that we think that Mike Pence Is A Replicant Android, so we were expecting to find some doomsday scenario punched out in binary code from his robot overlords. It would make sense that if he’s an older model of android, he wouldn’t have built-in wi-fi access. Let’s face it, Apple would force them to pay more for such an average convenience and act like it’s some new, bold feature. If he was an android with wi-fi capabilities, he wouldn’t need an e-mail address. He could just download the data directly. That’s probably the only reason we could give to absolve him of our suspicions of his robotic tendencies.
5.  Pictures Of Little Boys
   Let’s face it, something has to be wrong with this guy. We’re all waiting for the hammer to fall. Whether it’s a murder that he covered up, an addiction to painkillers or ties to a kiddie porn ring, there is just this sense that he is a goddamn creepy, terrible human being. We were half expecting to find picture of little boys in viking suits or some other terrible thing, but to our relief, there was none. Now, this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have people chained up in his basement, waiting on his inevitable return to torture and then possibly eat them, but if he does, we couldn’t find any evidence of it. We still think that we will eventually find something to prove that he’s as incredibly monstrous as we think he is, but we shall have to wait for him to drop his guard.

All in all, we’re fairly relieved that none of these things were found, as who needs more negative stereotypes to play out for groups of people that don’t want to be associated with this man, but we still have a terrible feeling he’s going to prove us right and do something monstrous, like eat a puppy or finance an Ishtar remake. Time will tell.

The post 5 Things We’re Surprised We Didn’t Find In Mike Pence’s E-Mails first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Anonymouse strikes again, as millions of websites, services and networks were taken offline on 10/21/2016. A systematic interruption of many huge, populated websites and social networks took internet trolls and victims by surprise.

“I was about to post the dankest meme I ever found and… I couldn’t. I felt so powerless, so vulnerable,” said Harold Nagy, an avid Facebook Group troll that uses the fake names Ham Bone, Spaz Bono and Harvey Banger.

Sandra Cummings, a Tusla Oklahoma native had other issues. “I needed to take out my rent money and I couldn’t. Because of how screwed up our economy is, and how horrible regular banks are, I use an internet only bank and none of the ATMs were working. Instead, I had to take a few guys out back and give handjobs to make the rent. Do you know how aggravating that is? I usually save that move for a new release of limited eye shadows at Sephora, not to pay my rent. I’m not a prostitute or something. The worst part was that I couldn’t even go on Reddit or Twitter to vent about it, or read any of Trump’s latest tweets.”

Multiple sources were taking credit for the large scale DDOS attack, but all signs point to Anonymouse being the real force behind the attack. Political posts, memes and rants were kept to a bare minimum as the average person resorted to the few sites that weren’t affected by the hacktivism, which were mostly porn sites.

The big takeaway from this was that while it may be business as usual for the average person, many people need internet garbage to pass their day, whether it be trolling others on social networks, porn or ridiculous satire websites that post fake news that seems more real than the actual news reported by major media conglomerates.

The post DDOS Attack Temporarily Spares Millions From Political Arguments first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

In a shocking move, the powers that be have decided to move the final Presidential Debate of 2016 to the High Desert State Prison grounds. Formerly to be held at University of Nevada-Las Vegas, this showdown between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is shaping up to be a historic battle with high stakes in an intimidating arena.

With criminal accusations lobbed at both candidates like scandalous hand-grenades, it could potentially turn out to be a situation where whomever loses this debate has to stay behind. With Donald Trump being questioned for sexual assault, fraud and for cheating contractors out of their pay, he has almost just as much to lose as Hillary Clinton and her multitude of e-mail scandals, corruption in the DNC and what most people just call politics, in general.

The attendants will be frisked to make sure no one is carrying any shivs, lighters, bags of human excrement or hand made explosive devices. Prison meals will be fed to both candidates before the debate so that they know exactly what they are in for, if they lose.

The candidates are expected to perform as usual, since they are generally used to being surrounded by career criminals, anyhow.

The post Final Presidential Debate Moved To High Desert State Prison first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Thanks for sticking through with us, faithful readers. I had to fight off unwanted, internet miscreants, trying to shut down this shining beacon in a world of mistrusted journalism and false facts.

Here we are, in 2016, and still people want to silence the truth. Well, they had us down for a few days, but Anonymouse just couldn’t keep it up for long. Like a boastful teen on prom night, they came at us hard, broke us down but then came up short and empty when the time called for them to do their thing.

Now we’re bigger, faster, harder and stronger than ever! You might notice some new bells and whistles, some small changes and even an subscription option. Well, the dismantling they gave us allowed us to re-think a few things and add some stuff we’ve been wanting to have from the beginning.

This is a free world, folks, and no bullies should be allowed to take us down, unless they are government elected officials, of course.

So, as you go on with your day, no that you have to worry no longer. The Hoof and Trunk Post is back and better than ever. This is better than Coke II, Clear Pepsi and Independence Day: Resurgence, all rolled into one! We shall not disappoint you. New content will start to roll out slowly but surely. Be afraid, you enemies of truth and justice. Our trumpets shall wail and we shall stamp you out!

The post The Hoof And Trunk Post Is Back! first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Adam Taint thought he could mock us, but he could not.

He thought he could belittle us, but he could not.

We are Anonymouse and we now own The Hoof and Trunk Post.

We have moved it to a new host, added a few new bells and whistles and updated things to work better than it ever did before.

We caused Adam Taint to lose everything… but then we brought it back and gave it better SEO optimization because we are better than Adam Taint.

He will never get this site back.

He will always feel lost and ponder a meaningless life when he has nothing to do, no snark to deliver and no friends to chat with on the internet.

We hacked into his cell phone and deleted all the naked pictures from the women sending him nudies. We uploaded them to 4chan toget him in trouble. Instead it actually made him more popular and we saw that more women started contacting his phone once they saw the immense size of his… bandwidth, but he still doesn’t have his precious political news site.

We still have that.

We are adorable. We are coming for the big cheese. Expect mice.

We are Anonymouse!

The post WE ARE ANONYMOUSE! first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Stay-at-home keyboard warriors, Anonymouse, declared war on the Federal Reserve today. While many folks expected to see something out of the Mr. Robot Season 1 story arch, instead we were treated to reports of “not much of anything.”

A barrage of DDOS attacks were launched at multiple banks that serve as part of the Federal Reserve banking system, however, it really was just attacks on their websites. None of their internal infrastructure was affected, no banking systems were taken down and none of the 1% even knew it was happening.

While Anonymouse is known to make a bigger impact during their events, this one was felt about as much as a mouse fart. As the chairperson of the Federal Reserve, Democrat Janet Yellen took a break from feasting on the limbs of babies to make this statement: “While we appreciate the fear and hatred from the masses at our capabilities of snapping our fingers and ruining the lives of the poor, we do not take attacks like this lightly. If you dare to attack our bank’s websites, we will be forced to… I’m sorry, HAHAHAHAHAH! I can’t even keep a straight face on this one. Oh, man. No one even goes to these websites! By the time we noticed our IT team in Bangladesh had already pinpointed what systems were affected and brought up redundant servers to take their places. It’s like they’ve never even done this before. Come on! We’re too big to fail! Make us fail! Don’t make us 404… that’s not going to do much but tickle. Seriously, try to collapse the economic system of the free world with a DDOS attack. That will work every time! Ugh… you’d think they’d do something worthwhile like finally get a good copy of the Ghostbusters remake or Suicide Squad up on torrent sites so people wouldn’t have to pay to watch those crappy movies, or get the Sausage Party animators better paychecks. Sorry, I’ve just really been in a movie going mood lately. Good night.”

After Janet Yellen walked off, representatives told us that Anonymouse was rearing for another round of attacks, this time on the Hess Truck website, as a way to assert their belief that we have too much dependency on oil and need more clean, renewable energy resources. Once again, this showed that they really have no idea what the hell they are doing and need better leadership in place if they hope to do something worthwhile.

They sure do have a nifty logo, though! Ah crap, it looks like they’re trying to take down our website!

The post Anonymouse Attacks Federal Reserve Where It Doesn’t Really Hurt first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.