Without skipping a beat, Democrats have set their sights on the next election. The loss to Donald Trump has left an aching, huge, bloody hole in the heart of America’s Thinking Core, but they have chosen to get right back on their feet, after they cry about the whole thing for about 48 hours.

Hillary Clinton’s loss came as a huge shock to so many that forgot she was one of the most constantly vilified politicians of the past few decades. Republicans didn’t like her. Democrats didn’t like her. People who nothing about her didn’t like her. People just really didn’t like her. Why? Many wouldn’t even be able to tell you why, but they knew that they didn’t like her.

The DNC colluding to keep Bernie Sanders, the people’s choice, out of this election was also not a popular move. With the DNC largely looking to take a kick to the face for all of this, they are still determined.

“We won’t sleep. We won’t take this on the chin. We are going to sally forth, pick up our bags, lick our wounds and make sure that 2020 isn’t more of the same. I remember a time when we could go outside without fear of being attacked for our race, color, skin, gender or sexuality. Well, not everywhere, and not that long ago, but at least in our blue states, we felt pretty safe. I mean, there was still the threat of rape at every corner for just about every city in America for all women… I guess around the world, but you know what I mean. Now it feels terrifying just to travel a few blocks and we sure as hell don’t want that to last more than 4 years. We don’t even want it for those 4 years! We want to go back to those comfortable, less insane and more progressive times. Just a few years ago people were being more respectful, women were making strides closer towards equal pay and gays finally could marry! Remember that? Let’s get back to that! LET’S MAKE AMERICA GREAT, no GREATER than it ever has been! Let’s make America GREATER, again!” This woman preferred not to be named as of yet because she still wasn’t sure who she could trust or what person she might run into that has opposing beliefs.

We’re with you, Janet. Ah crap, sorry.

The post Democrats Vow To Make America Greater Again In 2020 first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

When you first walk into a room at a party, there is a certain amount of acknowledgment you expect to get from your friends and family that already in there. Do you go up to greet them or do they come up to greet you? There are many factors that will attribute to this situation and the choices that come with it, but in general, we call that the “first hail.” It shows who cares and respects about the other, especially when it comes to effort in acknowledging your presence.

Well, both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have a big problem with the “first hail” or really any hail at all. The KKK and associates of the KKK have openly endorsed Donald Trump, but he acts like your old girlfriend that kept her relationship with you on the down low because she was too embarrassed to let everyone know she was having the sex with you… even though she liked it… a lot. See, the KKK is just not attractive enough for Trump. They are like at a 4 or 5 and he’s all about 9s and 10s. I mean, hell, that’s his biggest defence for not sexually assaulting any of the women he deems physically unfit for his sexual scrutiny.

How about Trump’s old buddy from the Mafia days of Atlantic City,  Robert LiButti? There is video from Wrestlmania IV in Atlantic City, NJ that shows them together. 1988 wasn’t that long ago to completely forget the whole thing. He’s trying to act like they were never buddies when they probably shared high-priced prostitutes and cocaine that night. How could you forget a night like that, especially when Macho Man Randy Savage beat Ted Dibiase, The Million Dollar Man? We remember!

Now, Hillary Clinton isn’t exempt from this level of forgetfulness, either. I mean, she’s known Sidney Blumenthal for decades, but you’d only know that because Trump won’t stop saying his name. The man was a bit of a monster towards Bill Clinton’s mistresses as well as alleged sexual assault victims, so we can understand her wanting to keep the distance, but it’s not fooling anyone. You don’t forget a man like this exists… unless of course, he is Donald Trump.

You know, one of her oldest friends? I mean, she and Bill were guests at his wedding, after all. They were all together, having drinks, laughing, plotting the destruction of our planet and the withering of our souls, 11 years ago. Here we are, about to watch their plans take fruition. They’re buddies, but you would never know by how they act in the room together.

Do they have hate sex when we aren’t watching? I really hope they don’t. Just the vision of that is terrifying… but not improbable. They have brought each other more money than either of us will ever see in our lifetimes, but they can’t remember that they are friends.

Now, the point of all of this, really, is that if you can’t remember who your friends are, how can you take care of your citizens? Yeah, there was a point to all of this. I think I might just get there, if you give me a few seconds.

If you can’t remember who your friends are then you will also be quick to make new enemies. When your friends rank so low that they get tossed out with the dirty laundry, because they don’t suit your current needs, so will whatever demographic you are pandering to at the moment.

The fried chicken, the hot sauce, the baby kissing and yes, even calling people “the blacks” are all a form of pandering, but just to the people you’re going to forget when you don’t need them. So, members of the Ku Klux Klan, mafia and the rest of the United states, you have to ask yourself this question: do you want these people to forget you exist? They are already acting like they do. Even the Lannisters in Game of Thrones never forget a debt, and those people are monsters.

The post Donald Trump And Hillary Clinton Have A Problem Remembering Their Friends first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

It’s not quite time to sigh, just yet. We’re but a mere week away from casting our votes into oblivion, as we allow the electoral college to make our choices for us and we couldn’t be less excited for it.

On one hand we have the candidate that we don’t want. On the other hand, we have the candidate that we don’t even want to be alive. As a nation, we are sad. We are tired. We are ready to just call it a day and hang up our pants. The nation is ready to go pantless, but it’s too cold, to uncaring and our underwear is too dirty.

There isn’t enough coffee in the world to get us pepped up for this one and we’ve shrugged our shoulders so much that they might spasm. We hang our heads, walk forward towards destiny and let out a collective, “F*ck it.” This is what we are and this is who we’ve become.

But it is not all at a loss.

The senate majority may change. The congress and house could be dealt a swift blow of change, right to the belt, knocking the USA in the nuts just enough to say, “hey, I kind of liked that, but wait like 3 minutes because it still hurts a bit and I’m not ready to do anything with you until that goes away. You can start undressing now but I’m going to need a few minutes to catch up with you. Put on this DVD first, I’ll join you in a few.”

We have a chance, America. We just might pull through this and make it on top, thrashing about in agony as we get there.

At the very least, there will always be fried chicken somewhere waiting for us, to console us and guide us on our way out through morbid obesity and death in our sleep. Well, unless you are a vegetarian or vegan.

Oh, and alcohol. So much alcohol. We can drink to forget and never forget to drink. Anyone can drink, if they choose to. There are vegan drinks. Most of them are, actually.

Have hope, though. We really goddamn need it.

The post A Week Before The Election, Nation Shares In Collective Shrug And Says “F*ck it!” first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Like Stephen Colbert before her, Hillary Clinton has called upon the internet to have fun with her campaign footage and just have wacky, zany fun with computer assisted imagery! You too can now place Hillary Clinton in front of any crowd, any setting and any scenery!

Do you want to see Hillary speaking at the Mos Eisley Cantina? You can make it happen! Do you want her to be addressing a crowd of Uruk Hai before the Battle of Helm’s Deep? Your dream can come true! Any possible situation is yours to make happen, provided you have the original green screen footage and technical know how to make it happen!

Once she makes the original footage available, it’s going to be a gonzo, fun time! The scenarios are going to be much more entertaining than her just addressing crowds of people that are reluctantly going to vote for her because they are too terrified of a Trump America. That’s no fun for anyone. Her speaking in front of a bunch of the seagulls from Finding Nemo that constantly repeat, “Mine!” is going to be the highlight of my day! I can’t wait to see what people come up with next! Heck, we could even see her in front of a crowd of people holding up Vote for Bernie or Trump/Pence signs! True hilarity, irony and comedy are all waiting on you!

The green screen footage of her addressing folks at  Coconut Creek, Florida is said to be coming out soon, so just hold on to your mice and get ready to do your best or worst! Let’s face it, though, we’d all rather be in front of a green screen than in Florida. Yeesh!

The post Hillary Clinton Issues Colbert Style Green Screen Challenge first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

The figures have just come in and depending on your political leaning, your candidate seems to be winning. This information is a big change over the last election, where your candidate didn’t seem to be winning, but was a sure bet. It seems that even though your candidate may have lost last time, you’re pretty sure your candidate will win. This is simply because you’re still beholden to the same biased news site for all of your media intake.

Yes, you love your candidate, and so does your choice of politically biased news programming. You’ve never really tuned into it to get more information, or learn a damn thing about your opposing party or candidate that might make you like them, you just want to be affirmed of your thoughts and feelings.

You feel justified when they tell you things you already feel to be true. You love you and you don’t ever want being yourself to be challenged and that’s totally fine. If you don’t love you, no one else will… and no one else probably does. Does your politics make you who you are? Probably. Should they? No. Your politics should be determined by who you are, not the other way around.

Statistics, facts, the truth: those are all malleable things to you. Why would you need to listen to anything else but your valued, trusted and favorite news source that tells you all the things you already knew?

Just revel in the fact that your candidate is winning. But, please, don’t turn to that other website, channel or newspaper for information, because then you’ll find out that the other candidate is winning, too. That will just upset you more than you already are about this election.

The post Your Preferred Candidate Is Leading In The Polls Of Your Favorite News Source first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Well, no one saw that coming. After a very tense night of wondering who was next, American’s decided that they like Negan more than their current choices for president, especially Donald Trump.

“I like that he speaks his mind. I mean, he said that he would punish people for acting out against him, and he did. He’s a straight shooter, that guy. You know exactly what you’re going to get, and I respect that,” said Sherri Chasmer, a Negan supporter who was in the middle of crafting herself her very own barbed-wire bat. “You can’t argue with honesty, you know?”

Even despite the fact that he caved in the head of not one, but two of America’s favorite people that have joined Rick Grimes after the zombie apocalypse, his popularity is still at an all time high.

“I know he does terrible things, treats women like garbage and has bashed in the heads of some decent people, but that man has charisma. You just have to like him. He’s quick with a joke and he doesn’t really cut with the B.S. like all the other politicians. I really get him. He feels like one of us. He curses like a sailor, says filthy things all the time and it never feels like he’s trying to be someone he isn’t. I can respect that in a leader. I just hope that if he becomes president that I never have to meet Lucille,” echoed another Negan supporter who asked to remain nameless, in case Negan’s favorite first lady, Lucille, felt a little thirsty for some cranial blood.

So, presented with the options of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, there could be a serious contender for the write-in vote with Negan. The man with no last name would be the first confirmed murderer to win the presidency, if that ever happened, and also the first president with just one name. Yes, Obama does have a first name. Go look it up, you savages.

The post Americans Would Rather Vote For Negan first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

“Basket of Deplorables”

“Grab her by the pussy!”

“She’s a nasty woman.”

“We’re gonna build a wall!”

“What’s Aleppo?”

This was best of times for T-shirt designers while it was the worst of times for the rest of us, and it’s all coming to an end. With just mere weeks before election day, this historic campaign cycle has yielded an immeasurable treasure trove of quips, phrases and just really stupid words tied together that were so easy to just slap on a shirt and make a few bucks.

Fans of the free market economy were overjoyed, as screenprinters around the nation reared up to make the best and worst shirts for all political backgrounds available. If you wanted to go to a Trump rally with a shirt that said, “Jail her and nail her,” you could. If you wanted to go to a Hillary rally with a shirt that said, “I’m voting for someone who isn’t a complete moron,” you could! If you wanted to go to a Gary Johnson with a shirt that said, “Wait, where am I?” you could!

You could basically get anything you wanted and do anything you wanted, except for vote for the person you really wanted as president, because he wasn’t allowed to play with others.

Even the Green party had a great shirt that sold in droves, with “I’m with her. No, the other her.”

All of this, however, will be over very soon and the shirt sales will plummet. Back they will go to bootlegging aging rock bands shirts and selling them for 10 dollars at least 300 feet away from the venue. Back they will go to making shirts of both teams for the Super Bowl and hoping they can sell enough of them before the game, so they aren’t stuck with too many shirts from the losers.

The fun is over. The golden age of printing cash has come to a screeching halt and all the Tee shirt creators are sighing and crying over the dry spell that will now commence.

But there is a glimmer of hope. Depending on whoever becomes president, they will at least be able to continually print things that mock our new president in fabric. The phrases will be limited and it will be more like actually being part of an activist movement, but shirts will be sold. All is not lost, folks. All is not lost.

The post T-Shirt Designers Sad About Nearing End Of Ridiculous Election first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

While the Republicans have had a failed retention of their dynasty, with Jeb Bush losing out to Donald Trump or just about anyone else with a pulse in this election cycle, the Clinton dynasty looks to officially have begun with Hillary just about on her way to become our next President of the United States. With her daughter, Chelsea, already seeming to be on her way up the political ladder, people are starting to get uncomfortable that we’ll be seeing Clintons as presidents from this point forward.

That is, except, for when it comes to Socks. Socks Clinton, the cutest, furriest member of the Clinton family, may not be the obvious future choice for POTUS, with him being dead, and all, but that isn’t going to stop the Clintons. Looking for an obvious replacement that will also be named Socks, the search is on for the future new cat in town that will also carry the reigns in the Clinton family once they are handed over to him, or her!

With the ridiculous cat-related catch phrases coming out of Donald Trump’s campaign, they could have potential political fodder for years to come. Since the previous Socks lived a full 20 years, there is no real time limit for the new Socks the cat to gain a political stranglehold on America, making it the most powerful pussy in the nation.

How will the United States handle it’s first cat President? Well, as long as the cat is groomed for the role, properly, I think we’ll be okay, but I am no fan of dynasties in a democracy or republic. The dangers of corruption and self-serving politics are very real there. The conspiracy theories abound are enough, such as the PUSA theory. If you abbreviate President of the USA you generally get PUSA. Pusa is the Tagalog word for cat, so many Filipino Americans have been theorizing that we were going to get a cat for a president for years. Is this just the culmination of a long planned conspiracy? Is the illuminati really getting their way or is this just some ridiculous coincidence? I guess we’ll all just have to wait and see.

Oh my God, you’re so widdle and cute! Those paws. Those tiny adorable paws. Awwwwwwwwwwww

The post Socks The Cat To Be Next Clinton Family Member To Be Groomed For The White House first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Just about everyone is tired, fed-up and done with this entire election cycle. It’s been called a joke, appalling, deplorable, embarrassing and a farce. Most people aren’t happy with the final choices of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton and the average outlook is grim. The United States could use a booster shot to the morale center, but the odds are against us. This all started a while ago, with the veritable cornucopia of ridiculousness that was our candidate selection process and it only seemed to get worse from there. The US Government, however, may have a solution, though it might be too little too late.

The USA is asking George R.R. Martin to re-script the election, from scratch, and wipe everyone out. In a hail of bullets, swords, knives and blood, we’d be back to a clean slate. It would be like we never heard the foolishness from Ben Carson about grain silos or Jim Webb basically crying about white people ignored in this country… to a room full of Democrats. You almost forgot about that one, right? Yeesh.

Before we got to this basket of deplorables or, as I like to call them, the choices so expendable, we had a full year and more of foolishness. It hasn’t ended yet and most likely won’t end after the election, either. We’ve got an other 4 to 8 years worth of stupidity coming our way, regardless of who is elected… so why not go back, try to erase all of that and put ourselves in a better place for some new choices.

Take them out! All of them!

That’s the decree and we sure hope good ole’ George can step up to bat. Maybe only slightly wound Bernie Sander, though. He’s a pretty decent guy. He doesn’t need to be taken out of the picture, entirely. We can still use him. That Mike Huckabee, though, let’s get him and Trump to a Red Wedding!

The post Government Asks George R.R. Martin To Rewrite Election So That Everyone Dies first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

In a shocking move, the powers that be have decided to move the final Presidential Debate of 2016 to the High Desert State Prison grounds. Formerly to be held at University of Nevada-Las Vegas, this showdown between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is shaping up to be a historic battle with high stakes in an intimidating arena.

With criminal accusations lobbed at both candidates like scandalous hand-grenades, it could potentially turn out to be a situation where whomever loses this debate has to stay behind. With Donald Trump being questioned for sexual assault, fraud and for cheating contractors out of their pay, he has almost just as much to lose as Hillary Clinton and her multitude of e-mail scandals, corruption in the DNC and what most people just call politics, in general.

The attendants will be frisked to make sure no one is carrying any shivs, lighters, bags of human excrement or hand made explosive devices. Prison meals will be fed to both candidates before the debate so that they know exactly what they are in for, if they lose.

The candidates are expected to perform as usual, since they are generally used to being surrounded by career criminals, anyhow.

The post Final Presidential Debate Moved To High Desert State Prison first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.