“Basket of Deplorables”

“Grab her by the pussy!”

“She’s a nasty woman.”

“We’re gonna build a wall!”

“What’s Aleppo?”

This was best of times for T-shirt designers while it was the worst of times for the rest of us, and it’s all coming to an end. With just mere weeks before election day, this historic campaign cycle has yielded an immeasurable treasure trove of quips, phrases and just really stupid words tied together that were so easy to just slap on a shirt and make a few bucks.

Fans of the free market economy were overjoyed, as screenprinters around the nation reared up to make the best and worst shirts for all political backgrounds available. If you wanted to go to a Trump rally with a shirt that said, “Jail her and nail her,” you could. If you wanted to go to a Hillary rally with a shirt that said, “I’m voting for someone who isn’t a complete moron,” you could! If you wanted to go to a Gary Johnson with a shirt that said, “Wait, where am I?” you could!

You could basically get anything you wanted and do anything you wanted, except for vote for the person you really wanted as president, because he wasn’t allowed to play with others.

Even the Green party had a great shirt that sold in droves, with “I’m with her. No, the other her.”

All of this, however, will be over very soon and the shirt sales will plummet. Back they will go to bootlegging aging rock bands shirts and selling them for 10 dollars at least 300 feet away from the venue. Back they will go to making shirts of both teams for the Super Bowl and hoping they can sell enough of them before the game, so they aren’t stuck with too many shirts from the losers.

The fun is over. The golden age of printing cash has come to a screeching halt and all the Tee shirt creators are sighing and crying over the dry spell that will now commence.

But there is a glimmer of hope. Depending on whoever becomes president, they will at least be able to continually print things that mock our new president in fabric. The phrases will be limited and it will be more like actually being part of an activist movement, but shirts will be sold. All is not lost, folks. All is not lost.

The post T-Shirt Designers Sad About Nearing End Of Ridiculous Election first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

First it was Hillary Clinton saying that she carries hot sauce with her everywhere she goes. Then it was Donald Trump and the taco bowl heard around the world. Next we had Mike Pence with his mother, eating fried chicken on an airplane. Soon after came Jill Stein, getting a warrant for her arrest for vandalism in North Dakota. They all are trying so hard to be “down” that it isn’t bringing their poll numbers up.

When will the pandering end? Well, if the latest research has anything to show for it, this pandering will be the doom of every candidate we will ever see. If Gary Johnson decides he needs to take a picture of himself eating Chinese takeout to secure the vote of American Asians, he’ll be next on the chopping block. Futurism Inc., a leading market research organization, has conducted a poll and the results are staggering.

People hate pandering. Taking pictures of yourself doing stereotypically racist things or trying way too hard to “fit in” and be cool will just get you all alone on the cafeteria table. We all learned this in highschool, but these candidates are clueless. If they keep it up, we will have no President of the United States. With Jill Stein it seemed like an enviable thing to do, but then you realize all she did was put some graffiti up on some machinery and you know that it was just a good, stupid photo op. In the hood there would be no pictures of us putting up graffiti, we would just do it. She doesn’t even have a good tag name. It’s inaccurate pandering, at it’s worst. She might as well have taken pictures of herself using Land-O-Lakes butter in order to pander to the Native Americans.

So, we might very well elect no one. As insane as that sounds, many people would love this option. If you can’t have a leader you can believe in, why not believe in nothing? Most of us already do, so this would be a fitting solution.

Can this really happen? Yes, or at least we really, really hope so. If everyone loses, nobody wins, except the American people.

We don’t need Jill Stein to get arrested to pander to people with criminal backgrounds. We don’t need Gary Johnson to play with flaming pieces of wood to pander to people who go to Burning Man. We don’t need Hillary Clinton to take a picture with Bill Clinton and pander to people who have been accused of sexual assault. We certainly don’t need Donald Trump to take a picture with his knife collection and say, “I love my Puerto Rican friends.” What we need is a leader who we can really depend on and trust, which is absolutely nobody.

So, will you vote for no one come November? If this pandering festival continues, the answer is likely to be “yes.”

The post Latest Polls Show That Pandering Will Lose This Election For Everyone first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

While everyone is talking about the possibility of Hillary Clinton having some form of dementia, somehow, the fact that the Green Party’s Jill Stein wound up in a completely different city than her campaign rally stop was located, has escaped the attention and ire of millions. Stein’s airplane somehow wound up completely bypassing Columbus, Ohio and making her way through Mordor and into Mount Doom.

While we’ve all flirted with the notion that visiting a location of Middle Earth might be fun, exhilarating and allow us to see some breathtaking vistas, most of us would not wind up there by mistake. A customary trip to Mount Doom usually happens on foot, while accompanied by 8 other members of a fellowship. You generally will bring the usual camping details, as well as some weapons, just in case you need to protect yourself and maybe some Lembas bread. It’s a long trip, treacherous and something you would never do by mistake. It would be the same as mistakenly travelling to Detroit or Cincinnati. It just doesn’t happen.

Well, it happened. Whether the flight crew was trying to sabotage Jill Stein’s political career, attempt an assassination or just really wanted to see what the hell she would do at the edge of a volcano, somehow a short flight turned into a much longer ordeal. While there are no details yet on how this mix-up happened, rumors are scrambling about that she was in possession of some jewelry that may have compelled the pilot to fly off course. The potential for it to have been an attempt at a robbery seems very slim, but under the circumstances, anything is possible.

Her supporters were very upset, since they were forced to wait an extra two hours for her to finally make it to her own rally in Columbus, but they were not left empty handed. Dwarven shields and swords were given out to help satiate the anger and frustration felt by her followers. The campaign also ordered pizza that was delivered by a swarm of Domino’s Death Drones which both allowed them to eat as well as try out their new armaments.

Finally, when Jill Stein appeared in front of the podium, she seemed to appear just about out of nowhere, addressing her crowd initially in first person plural, confusing the crowd until she cleared her throat and started all over again. Her campaign promised this sort of mistake would never happen again, but we won’t really know until this whole election is over.

The post Green Party’s Jill Stein Flew To Mount Doom Instead Of Columbus first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.