While the gaggle of overall dicks that makes up the Senate were split 50/50 on a bill set to make the existence of Planned Parenthood a thing of the past, the leader of all dicks, Mike Pence, was the tie-breaker, dooming the world to unsafe abortions, more rampant cervical cancer, sexually transmitted disease and overall vaginal doom.

Expressly being a woman-hating men’s club, the Senate has deemed it necessary to make life harder for their mothers, wives, sisters, aunts, mistresses and prostitutes. Well, except for those that prefer the taste of young men, usually in secret and usually under-age. Some even voted to make life for themselves a bit more difficult.

The majority of the few women in senate watched in horror as they were deemed second-class citizens by their peers and realized that, yet again, that they would be stuck between a bunch of flaccid dicks and a hard place.

Hopefully, something can be done to keep this situation from getting worse, but knowing how terrified these old men are of anything that has to do with lady parts, unless they get to ruin them, they will avoid fixing this at all costs. Unfortunately, no matter how many old dicks you round up, they’ll seldom find a way to make any vaginas happy.

The post A Bunch Of Dicks Vote To Make Life Harder For Vaginas first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

As you may have heard, Mike Pence was using a private e-mail address for work and was phished out of his information in some ridiculous scheme reminiscent of the Nigerian Prince spam you and I always ignore. We ignore it because we’re beings of logic, reason and intellect. The same can’t generally be said of someone who is homophobic, thinks you can pray the gay away and who replaced that hacked e-mail address with an AOL account. Come on now, AOL? Does he also surf the internet on WebTV?

Anyhow, we’ve been able to go through those e-mails and while we can go into detail about how boring it is to work in Indiana government, we’d rather tell you what we were shocked to NOT find in those e-mails.

1. Racist Memes 
   Sure, they start out innocently enough, with some joke about a Mexican guy in a sombrero saying “started from the border, now we’re here,” but then they usually wind up unearthing a deeper, more racist approach in a bold fashion that is a bit more than we want to experience. While we saw a few weird Obama memes in his e-mails, any traces of racism were shockingly not to be found.
2. That New Healthcare Plan That Is So Hard To Find
   The Senate Republicans can’t seem to find that new healthcare plan that was designed to replace The Affordable Care Act, aka “Obamacare,” with something that would be better. They spent a bunch of time looking for it in a few rooms and wouldn’t let anyone else in to help them. It was like a kid saying he just can’t find his homework, but he knew he did it, as he makes a spectacle in front of the class looking for a piece of paper that only he knows doesn’t exist. We were hopeful that it would be found in Mike Pence’s e-mails, but no, it was all for naught.
3. Grindr Account Confirmation E-Mails
   We feel like there is a little bit of “The lady doth protest too much, methinks,” in Pence, except in this case it’s not a lady, but Mike Pence. His full on initiative against homosexuals is reminiscent of some other far-right, anti-gay politicians that wound up being found with other men in bathrooms, board rooms and other tight spaces that they thought they would not be found. We were very shocked to not see any Grindr profile evidence or other traces of pent-up, self-hating, man love in his E-Mails, but we did see an Amazon order receipt for a Midnight Cowboy DVD. Cheap-ass Pence wouldn’t even spring for Blu-Ray version. It’s only $4 more, Mikey. Jeez.
4. Orders From His Robot Overlords
   We already told you that we think that Mike Pence Is A Replicant Android, so we were expecting to find some doomsday scenario punched out in binary code from his robot overlords. It would make sense that if he’s an older model of android, he wouldn’t have built-in wi-fi access. Let’s face it, Apple would force them to pay more for such an average convenience and act like it’s some new, bold feature. If he was an android with wi-fi capabilities, he wouldn’t need an e-mail address. He could just download the data directly. That’s probably the only reason we could give to absolve him of our suspicions of his robotic tendencies.
5.  Pictures Of Little Boys
   Let’s face it, something has to be wrong with this guy. We’re all waiting for the hammer to fall. Whether it’s a murder that he covered up, an addiction to painkillers or ties to a kiddie porn ring, there is just this sense that he is a goddamn creepy, terrible human being. We were half expecting to find picture of little boys in viking suits or some other terrible thing, but to our relief, there was none. Now, this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have people chained up in his basement, waiting on his inevitable return to torture and then possibly eat them, but if he does, we couldn’t find any evidence of it. We still think that we will eventually find something to prove that he’s as incredibly monstrous as we think he is, but we shall have to wait for him to drop his guard.

All in all, we’re fairly relieved that none of these things were found, as who needs more negative stereotypes to play out for groups of people that don’t want to be associated with this man, but we still have a terrible feeling he’s going to prove us right and do something monstrous, like eat a puppy or finance an Ishtar remake. Time will tell.

The post 5 Things We’re Surprised We Didn’t Find In Mike Pence’s E-Mails first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

A shocking revelation has come about during this election cycle, as only six of the nation’s newspapers have endorsed Donald Trump, or at least are willing to admit it. While even the most hardcore Republicans have stepped away from backing their dark horse candidate, like they were about to step into a puddle of herpes, these few papers have stood their ground. The average Trump supporter, however, hasn’t even noticed because they simply don’t read newspapers.

Oddly enough, sales figures suggest that many are actively buying these papers, they just aren’t reading them. We went out to question a few of the neighbors in these towns, and the results weren’t very surprising or shocking, but they were a bit telling.

“I love the crossword puzzles. Now, I don’t actually fill them out. I don’t have that kind of time, but I like staring at the black and white spaces. I like how the blacks and whites are separated, and there are no gray spaces. I love that about crossword puzzles,” said Tammy Boreson. We caught her just as she was walking out of her doctor’s office, getting a checkup for her tubal ligation. Thank goodness, for that.

We spotted a copy of Waxahachie Daily Light on a porch front that just happened to have a Trump/Pence banner on the front fence. We rang the doorbell and out came Orville Niles, who seemed a bit angry at us. “You rang my doorbell just because of some flippin’ newspaper? Yeah, I get it every day. I don’t know why, though. I think the person who owned this house before me used to get it and these people just never bothered to stop sending it. I use it to pick up my dog’s crap and whack her on the nose when she does the wrong thing. You really need to keep a bitch in her place. I don’t bother reading it, though, because of the Liberal Media. All the media is liberal. All of it. You even need to go to a Liberal arts school just to write for these damn things. Were are the conservative arts schools? Nowhere, because the whole system is rigged and newspapers are for communist, liberal scum. If I could burn every newspaper in the country, I would. How’s that for your goddamn energy independence? Burn them papers and we’d have enough energy to fuel the whole damn country. No one thinks of things like that because they keep reading these liberal things and just want to watch lesbians kiss and have gay sex with children. I tell you, they’re poison.”

Needless to say, after that interaction we decided it was best if we went home and cried about the state of things.

The post Only Six Newspapers Endorsed Trump But His Supporters Didn’t Notice Because They Don’t Read first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

We keep on hearing it. 2016 is the worst year, ever. The year of the reaper is taking our best. According to Trump, Mexico doesn’t send their best, but apparently, the Grim Reaper keeps taking the best, from everywhere. We’ve lost amazing musicians, fantastic actors, great writers, award winning comic book artists and creators, but we still have a gaggle of douches here on this planet that we’d totally love to trade in.

If you’re a comic book fan, you’ve been rocked by the terrible news that Steve Dillon (Preacher, Punisher, Hellblazer)  has passed away. Earlier we lost Darwyn Cooke (Catwoman, Richard Stark’s Parker, New Frontier) as well, and who knows who else might leave us by the year’s end.

And yet, we still have Donald Trump. Can we make a trade? How about Scott Baio? Yeah, they might both make us laugh at them, but that’s no reason to keep them around. Who do we have to call to make this happen?

So, those two would get us our comic greats back. Who do we go after for Prince, David Bowie and Lemmy? Yeah, I know Lemmy died in 2015, but it was so close to the end of the year that I think it counts. Besides, I’d trade probably half of the senate or congress just to get Lemmy back.

Oh man, Mike Pence has to have some value on the soule market. He’s a surefire hatemonger and would be the perfect person to trade-in to get someone we all love back. Mike Pence can leave and we can get Gene Wilder back! That sounds like such a sound and perfect deal to me.

Phife Dawg from A Tribe Called Quest is a tough one to lose, as well. Sorry, Rudy Giuliani, it’s time for you to go.

Really, we can clean house this way. Get back all the worthwhile humans, the talented and the best we’ve ever known. I have some cousins and friends I’d like to get back as well. Sure, you may not know them, but they’re definitely better than the garbage politicians, hate mongers, racists, misogynists, rapists and human monsters we have in or running for office. Come to think of it, those words could apply to just one person in a few cases.

So, Grim Reaper, buddy, baby. Can we make a deal?

The post 2016 Continues To Go After The Wrong People first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Thanks to Mike Pence’s very robotic and emotionless response to a 12 year old girl asking about Donald Trump’s horrible words about women’s looks, we can now come to the conclusion that he would not pass the Voight-Kampff test. As a possible Nexus 6, or earlier Replicant, his lack of emotions, care or any kind of empathy means that he is a very advanced form of artificial intelligence from the Tyrell Corporation, or he’s just a complete sociopath with chilling psychopathic tendencies.

If you look at his talking points, he has avoided anything that would show human warmth, a heart or love for others. This is what makes us believe that he might actually be an older model than a Nexus 6. They at least seem to have more  of a glimmer in their eyes and some emotional response to implanted memories. He, instead, cares about no one, nothing and has dead, fish-like eyes.

The good news, however, is that Replicants generally only have a 4 year life-span. If he does make it into being Vice President then at least we only get him for a single term.

We tried to reach out to the Tyrell Corporation for a statement but Dr. Eldon Tyrell is currently nowhere to be found.

The post Mike Pence Is A Replicant Android first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Farmville, VA local, Edward Bernstain, somehow managed to spend a half hour at the vice-presidential debate at Longwood University, completely by mistake. He was baffled, especially at the fact that it took him that long to realize he was at the wrong event.

Expecting to show up to the Farmville “Fartville 94th Annual Farting and Belching Contest,” which was being held the same night, he was shocked to learn that he was at the wrong address.

“I had no idea what was going on. I walked in, sat down and expected to spend the next couple of hours laughing, watching grown men release lots of hot air, stink up the place with foul noises and overall enjoy the spectacle. What I got, instead, was a totally different kind of noisy asshole on stage. It wasn’t anywhere near as fun, but I really couldn’t tell the difference for a while.” Edward Bernstain was disappointed but realized that most of the folks that were there, surrounding him, didn’t really look like they wanted to be there either.

“I knew something was off because people around me started getting angry and heated. I usually don’t see that at a good, old fashioned farting contest. Then, when I realized that the guys on stage had been talking all this time, and not farting or burping, it really started to sink in. I mean, who could really tell the difference? No one around me looked happy to be there, either. Did we all walk into the wrong event?”

No, Edward. They all knew what they were going to get but were still as disappointed as you. I think right now the whole world could have benefitted from a nice fart and belch contest, instead.

The post Man Mistakenly Walks Into VP Debate Instead of Fart Contest, Doesn’t Notice For 30 Minutes first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

We’ve already told you that no one really knows who Mike Pence is and that his haircut gets more press than he does, and now it seems as though he has also taken notice. Trying to steal headlines, remain relevant and shock the public into finally recognizing a picture of him, or his name, Mike Pence is on the attack and saying some pretty crazy things.

After his remark that Hillary Clinton is not suited for the White House because she called racist voters “racists,” he now has started a campaign trail of other gems and nuggets of joy and wisdom.

“Democrats are bad people. They like cheese wheels, touching themselves and weird flavored sodas. Strawberry is not a standard soda flavor. That’s evil, disgusting and really damn weird.” This newest outburst by Mike Pence is not his first foray into saying just about anything to get some sort of reaction. Much like the taco truck fiasco, it backfired with people posting comments on twitter like, “mmm, cheese wheels” and “Don’t you wanna Fanta?”

Before this latest non-event, he also made a few other statements of ridiculousness:

• “I prefer my toast to be butter side down, so it touches my tongue when I eat it.”
• “Sure, black lives matter, but how about their deaths? Don’t their deaths matter even more?”
• “Swedish fish aren’t fish, nor are they really from Sweden. Do we want that in our country? Those lies?”
• “I stand by my decision to not sit. Standing is the thing I do best. These legs, they do stand.”
• “Some people ask me if I’m a dog person or if I’m a cat person. I’m terrified of even just thinking about such things. Human/animal hybrids should be illegal.”
• “I feel like the best way to eat fried chicken is on a private jet. Nothing really gets you closer to knowing what poor people feel like than that.”
• “My record should do the talking. Look at my record. Look at it. Wait like 15 minutes. It will start talking. It took me to not drink water for 13 days but I got it to talk.”
• “Hillary Clinton is a liar. Not those little things that bards play in Dungeons & Dragons, that’s a different kind of liar.”
• “We need to make America great again. We need to stop worrying about what sports team name seems racist and just get rid of those people who are complaining about it. Remember when people didn’t complain about stuff like that, especially since we didn’t allow them to get out of the fields till they were done with their work? That’s what we need again.”

His disconnect with reality is clear, concise and disturbing, but still, no one is paying attention to him. In fact, I almost started falling asleep as I was writing this, almost as if it were like I was listening to an audiobook about Pyramids read by Ben Carson.

The post Mike Pence To Say More Shocking Things Just To Get Noticed first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

First it was Hillary Clinton saying that she carries hot sauce with her everywhere she goes. Then it was Donald Trump and the taco bowl heard around the world. Next we had Mike Pence with his mother, eating fried chicken on an airplane. Soon after came Jill Stein, getting a warrant for her arrest for vandalism in North Dakota. They all are trying so hard to be “down” that it isn’t bringing their poll numbers up.

When will the pandering end? Well, if the latest research has anything to show for it, this pandering will be the doom of every candidate we will ever see. If Gary Johnson decides he needs to take a picture of himself eating Chinese takeout to secure the vote of American Asians, he’ll be next on the chopping block. Futurism Inc., a leading market research organization, has conducted a poll and the results are staggering.

People hate pandering. Taking pictures of yourself doing stereotypically racist things or trying way too hard to “fit in” and be cool will just get you all alone on the cafeteria table. We all learned this in highschool, but these candidates are clueless. If they keep it up, we will have no President of the United States. With Jill Stein it seemed like an enviable thing to do, but then you realize all she did was put some graffiti up on some machinery and you know that it was just a good, stupid photo op. In the hood there would be no pictures of us putting up graffiti, we would just do it. She doesn’t even have a good tag name. It’s inaccurate pandering, at it’s worst. She might as well have taken pictures of herself using Land-O-Lakes butter in order to pander to the Native Americans.

So, we might very well elect no one. As insane as that sounds, many people would love this option. If you can’t have a leader you can believe in, why not believe in nothing? Most of us already do, so this would be a fitting solution.

Can this really happen? Yes, or at least we really, really hope so. If everyone loses, nobody wins, except the American people.

We don’t need Jill Stein to get arrested to pander to people with criminal backgrounds. We don’t need Gary Johnson to play with flaming pieces of wood to pander to people who go to Burning Man. We don’t need Hillary Clinton to take a picture with Bill Clinton and pander to people who have been accused of sexual assault. We certainly don’t need Donald Trump to take a picture with his knife collection and say, “I love my Puerto Rican friends.” What we need is a leader who we can really depend on and trust, which is absolutely nobody.

So, will you vote for no one come November? If this pandering festival continues, the answer is likely to be “yes.”

The post Latest Polls Show That Pandering Will Lose This Election For Everyone first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

After our exposé on how we found out that Mike Pence Is So Unloved And Unimportant That Royalty Free Photos Of Him Do Not Exist, we really expected him to shine through and give us more meat with our political potatoes. Would he share with us his vision of a future where the United States is more economically stable? Would he offer us a sensible response to the gun control debate, where measures were taken to increase the public’s safety from harm but also allow the 2nd Amendment to remain as it is?

Well, no. Of course not. Who would ever think that something meaningful would come out of camp Pence?

No, instead we saw Mike Pence get a haircut from some barber in Pennsylvania. News sites posted some real journalistic gems like, “Eight Most Relatable Moments From Mike Pence’s Pennsylvania Haircut,” and “Mike Pence Got A Haircut At A Black Barbershop In Norristown, Pa.” Now, we’re not linking you to those because we know you know better than to read that garbage. You’re here at The Hoof and Trunk Post, after all, so you have a much higher standard for journalism. The best headline to come from this, however, comes from the NY Post, which we will never link to because, well, EWWW GROSS! That headline, though, was “Barber Giving Mike Pence Haircut Had No Idea Who He Was.” Well, that makes like, 7 billion of us, NY Post! Nobody knows anything worth knowing about this guy, and no one wants to! No one cares to!

Donald Trump could be running for President with a block of cheese as his running mate and his numbers would be exactly the same and we’d probably get more actual, real news about the block of cheese. What dairy did it come from? Is it organic? Were the cows treated fairly? Is it safe for people with lactose intolerance? How long did it ferment for? Look at that, I’ve already had more of a journalistic response to a hypothetical block of cheese, that doesn’t even exist, than to an actual human being running for Vice President.

We are all doomed, folks. We are all doomed.

The post Mike Pence’s Only Major Headlines Are About His Haircut, Including This One first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Sometimes you start your way towards one story and stumble upon something else. This is the earmark of good, old fashioned American journalism. The best and most hard nosed news boys and girls of the past have unearthed scandals, liberated countries and destabilized regimes with their hard-hitting fact checking, research and truth delivery. Today is The Hoof and Trunk Post’s day to join those ranks.

While looking for a photo to accompany a different story, that is now shelved, I discovered something incredible: no one gives a sh*t about Mike Pence. The GOP Nominee for Vice President has been so overcast by his running mate that it seems that half the world doesn’t even know he exists, let alone that he could wind up being the President of the USA if Trump makes it in and chokes on a taco bowl.

We searched on every major royalty free image provider and not a single shot of Mike Pence was available. The closest thing we could find was pictures of British coins. Pence is so worthless that even pictures of one of the lowest denominations of British money could be found before him. Are there salable images of him from photographers out there? Yes, but we all know that only people of note get royalty free images made of them.

This staggering discovery lead me to do some further digging and realized that, yes, even these cute kittens that we used in lieu of Mike Pence were available to download for free, but he was not. I found pictures of toilet plungers, half-eaten apples, used handkerchiefs, dirty underwear, slugs and even an image that contains letter-art of his competition, Tim Kaine. I decided to use the kittens, because this is the internet and I am a smart person.

Is this the guy we want to hand over the designated driver keys too? Do we trust him to do the right thing when Donald Trump is too drunk to drive our country into a ditch, himself? I don’t know that the USA is going to be comfortable putting a guy in office that is invisible to the eyes of even the most charitable of photographers. They’ve uploaded pictures of dildos, but no Mike Pence. That says a lot.

The post Mike Pence So Unloved And Unimportant That Royalty Free Photos Of Him Do Not Exist first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.