As you may have heard, Mike Pence was using a private e-mail address for work and was phished out of his information in some ridiculous scheme reminiscent of the Nigerian Prince spam you and I always ignore. We ignore it because we’re beings of logic, reason and intellect. The same can’t generally be said of someone who is homophobic, thinks you can pray the gay away and who replaced that hacked e-mail address with an AOL account. Come on now, AOL? Does he also surf the internet on WebTV?

Anyhow, we’ve been able to go through those e-mails and while we can go into detail about how boring it is to work in Indiana government, we’d rather tell you what we were shocked to NOT find in those e-mails.

1. Racist Memes 
   Sure, they start out innocently enough, with some joke about a Mexican guy in a sombrero saying “started from the border, now we’re here,” but then they usually wind up unearthing a deeper, more racist approach in a bold fashion that is a bit more than we want to experience. While we saw a few weird Obama memes in his e-mails, any traces of racism were shockingly not to be found.
2. That New Healthcare Plan That Is So Hard To Find
   The Senate Republicans can’t seem to find that new healthcare plan that was designed to replace The Affordable Care Act, aka “Obamacare,” with something that would be better. They spent a bunch of time looking for it in a few rooms and wouldn’t let anyone else in to help them. It was like a kid saying he just can’t find his homework, but he knew he did it, as he makes a spectacle in front of the class looking for a piece of paper that only he knows doesn’t exist. We were hopeful that it would be found in Mike Pence’s e-mails, but no, it was all for naught.
3. Grindr Account Confirmation E-Mails
   We feel like there is a little bit of “The lady doth protest too much, methinks,” in Pence, except in this case it’s not a lady, but Mike Pence. His full on initiative against homosexuals is reminiscent of some other far-right, anti-gay politicians that wound up being found with other men in bathrooms, board rooms and other tight spaces that they thought they would not be found. We were very shocked to not see any Grindr profile evidence or other traces of pent-up, self-hating, man love in his E-Mails, but we did see an Amazon order receipt for a Midnight Cowboy DVD. Cheap-ass Pence wouldn’t even spring for Blu-Ray version. It’s only $4 more, Mikey. Jeez.
4. Orders From His Robot Overlords
   We already told you that we think that Mike Pence Is A Replicant Android, so we were expecting to find some doomsday scenario punched out in binary code from his robot overlords. It would make sense that if he’s an older model of android, he wouldn’t have built-in wi-fi access. Let’s face it, Apple would force them to pay more for such an average convenience and act like it’s some new, bold feature. If he was an android with wi-fi capabilities, he wouldn’t need an e-mail address. He could just download the data directly. That’s probably the only reason we could give to absolve him of our suspicions of his robotic tendencies.
5.  Pictures Of Little Boys
   Let’s face it, something has to be wrong with this guy. We’re all waiting for the hammer to fall. Whether it’s a murder that he covered up, an addiction to painkillers or ties to a kiddie porn ring, there is just this sense that he is a goddamn creepy, terrible human being. We were half expecting to find picture of little boys in viking suits or some other terrible thing, but to our relief, there was none. Now, this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have people chained up in his basement, waiting on his inevitable return to torture and then possibly eat them, but if he does, we couldn’t find any evidence of it. We still think that we will eventually find something to prove that he’s as incredibly monstrous as we think he is, but we shall have to wait for him to drop his guard.

All in all, we’re fairly relieved that none of these things were found, as who needs more negative stereotypes to play out for groups of people that don’t want to be associated with this man, but we still have a terrible feeling he’s going to prove us right and do something monstrous, like eat a puppy or finance an Ishtar remake. Time will tell.

The post 5 Things We’re Surprised We Didn’t Find In Mike Pence’s E-Mails first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Thanks to Mike Pence’s very robotic and emotionless response to a 12 year old girl asking about Donald Trump’s horrible words about women’s looks, we can now come to the conclusion that he would not pass the Voight-Kampff test. As a possible Nexus 6, or earlier Replicant, his lack of emotions, care or any kind of empathy means that he is a very advanced form of artificial intelligence from the Tyrell Corporation, or he’s just a complete sociopath with chilling psychopathic tendencies.

If you look at his talking points, he has avoided anything that would show human warmth, a heart or love for others. This is what makes us believe that he might actually be an older model than a Nexus 6. They at least seem to have more  of a glimmer in their eyes and some emotional response to implanted memories. He, instead, cares about no one, nothing and has dead, fish-like eyes.

The good news, however, is that Replicants generally only have a 4 year life-span. If he does make it into being Vice President then at least we only get him for a single term.

We tried to reach out to the Tyrell Corporation for a statement but Dr. Eldon Tyrell is currently nowhere to be found.

The post Mike Pence Is A Replicant Android first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Domino’s revealed their plan for world domination today, with a drone program that will most likely beat all major tech companies like Amazon and Google to the punch. They plan to start delivering pizzas via a drone launch that will not only cause millions of humans to become dependent on feedings by robots, but also create an army of soldiers, ready for the oncoming A.I. apocalypse.

No one believes that these drones are for pizza delivery, as Domino’s has not made pizza in years. If you’ve ever had real pizza, you would know that whatever they intend to deliver would never be called that by any real human standards. Instead, our analysts believe that the substances in those cartons will be used to pacify humans into a mentally dulled state, where we will be much easier to use as human batteries to power the drones and androids of the future.

This is just one more example where a program that was originally created by the government will be used to disarm, weaken and destroy mankind. One big problem, however, is that that NRA, the one group that might be able to save us, loves to eat garbage. They just love it. They will be the first to be taken over by a group of replicants and change their ways. In the coming months when the NRA downplays the 2nd Ammendment, you’ll know where you read it first.

To get more on this oncoming disaster, we reached out to our top scientists but they were not available for a comment. We then contacted Domino’s and were met with much resistance, but, finally, we received a surprising response from them.

Domino’s Group CEO and managing director Don Meij said, “01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110000 01100001 01110111 01101110 00101110 00100000,” before clicking, whirring and passing out.

Domino’s may be able to figure out how to subvert all of mankind, dispose of the need for human workers and perfect an artificial intelligence takeover, but they will still have lousy pizza.

The post Domino’s Perfects Attack Drones To Kill You, Still Sucks At Making Pizza first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.