As we are all eagerly awaiting the results of the many secret probes happening in Washington DC, the anticipation on word about the definite collusion of Donald Trump’s campaign with Russian intelligence is highest on our priority list. We’ve been digging deep while these probes are happening, and it looks like we may have found a few bombshells of our own.

Tied to Donald Trump’s Twitter account were a few of his apps. One of those apps, Spotify, had recently been removed, however, nothing on the internet goes away for good. Our savvy tech team took it upon themselves to gain access to his favorite playlists, and sure enough, we found something.

Amidst all the creepy songs like, Maurice Chevalier’s “Thank Heaven For Little Girls”, The Mills Brothers “Daddy’s Little Girl” and The Police’s “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” were the entire Gorky Park discography. If you’re not familiar with Gorky Park, they are a Russian glam band that hit it big in the USA with their first major release, featuring the single “Bang.”

With lyrics like “Give it in or give it out, We can blow it up!” and “Bang bang, say ‘da da da!’ Nothin’ less, I want to hear a yes!” it’s clear to see why he was obsessed with this band and Russia in general. The idea of explosions, blowing things up and not taking no for an answer all appeal to a man who has been threatening to nuke our “enemies” and likes to brag about grabbing the genitals of women who are not interested or available to him. Considering his obvious past as a sexual harassment trial waiting to happen, a song that showcases his rapey ways makes perfect sense in his library. The lack of an extensive vocabulary also appeals to Trump, as he generally can’t handle more than a few words in a short period of time.

Considering his obvious attraction to women from Slavic countries and Eastern Europe in general, it’s no surprise that his fandom of all things Russian would extend itself to USSR relics, bad hair and glam metal bands from that period and the comedy of Yakov Smirnoff.

We’re hoping to dig deeper and find more clues into his past, but we need to get beyond the 700+ tracks of Kids Bop that are impeding our progress on his playlists.

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The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) also known as the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), or the Islamic State (IS), and by its Arabic language acronym Daesh, is apparently willing to take credit for just about any and all tragedies that befall the world. Despite their apparent identity crisis, they sure know exactly what they are up to and are not afraid to tell us.

Recently they have taken responsibility for the tragedy that has befallen the USA, President Donald Trump. Going as far as to say that they helped him become president by instigating his talks with Russia, they want to let the world know just what kind of incredible power they have while they hide away and only emerge to let people know that they did something, even if they didn’t.

They have also taken credit for the King Arthur flop despite having no connection to the production, saying that their mere existence has caused the world to be in state where such an expensive bomb could exist. This would be a first for them, as they usually seem to go with bombs of a much cheaper, yet more deadly, variety.

Insisting that they had their hands involved with the creations of  Coca-Cola II, Duke Nukem Forever, the final season of Dexter and the McDonald’s Arch Deluxe, we’re not sure that there is anything awful that ISIS, or ISIL, or whatever the hell they are going to be called tomorrow won’t claim was their handiwork.

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They say a sequel can never be as good as the original, but there have been a few exceptions like Terminator 2, Aliens and of course World War 2. Well, the United States and Russia are preparing for a joint production that is going to knock everyone’s socks off. Boasting a huge all-star cast and a budget that has never before been seen in the theater of war, pre-production for Cold War 2: Electric Boogaloo is now under way!

This multi-level engagement is going to shock and awe people like never before. If all goes as planned, there will be a record number of deaths, destruction and property damage, all done without the will of the populace behind it. Yes, you heard that right. Neither the Russian civilians nor American citizens really want this to happen, but if and when it does, it promises to kill us in the thousands! Droves of people will be lining up to die for a cause they don’t really believe in as the usual military industrial complex leadership will make millions of dollars off of this potential blockbuster. Keep in mind however, this is just a working title. It is entire possible that the budget gets increased and the Cold War 2 winds up with a different name.

What would that name be? Well, if it winds up getting split into two features, which seems to be en vogue at the moment, we could be looking at a much longer, robust war with an ever larger cast of characters. We’re talking a franchise spanning crossover of a different beast. Yes, you guessed it, this could turn out to be World War 3: We Ain’t Fighting For Me. The speculation runs high and all the critics are already rearing up to to either love or hate it. I know one thing for sure, it’s going to be a huge hit in the south.

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We thought we heard the last of Russia’s most feared and dangerous asset, but we were wrong. Yakov Smirnoff is about to make headlines again. Oh, and Vladimir Putin also brought back the KGB. No biggie.

In a surprising move that  political analysts are calling,  “What the… what?” Putin has reinstated the KGB as Russia’s secret police and espionage unit in order to bring back Soviet Russia’s greatest weapon against American’s trust, happiness and security, Yakov Smirnoff. While his jokes about life in communist Russia have grown stale and old, the mother country does not forget so easily, especially when the jokes about the KGB hit so hard. Putin wants to bring him home, retrain him, give him some new jokes and send him back over and see how much damage he can do.

How will a newly polished and energized Yakov Smirnoff do in the American stand-up comedy circuits that now award more self-referential and observational humor about American society? Will he be able to tell jokes about xenophobia in the modern America as well as he used to make jokes about waiting on line for toilet paper, getting jeans for free and collective farms? It’s going to be a tough battle for him, but with a resurrected KGB to power him through, they might actually be able to get him to kill. Yakov Smirnoff killing on stage in 2017 is way less expected than Yakov Smirnoff dying on stage doing comedy.

Outside of re-hatching the comedy of Smirnoff, the KGB doesn’t seem to have much of an objective in its rebirth. Entire floors of the Lubyanka Building will be dedicated to the craft of joke-smithing and the subtleties of modern, American humor. As for Yakov, he remains in hiding in the USA, hoping not to be brought back home to Russia and working on furthering his comedy from the cold war, concentrating on humor about doomed relationships and sex over 40. That sounds like another kind of cold war, all together.

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