The United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit doesn’t just have a ridiculously long name, they also clarified something we all already knew: Trump has been unconstitutional. By blocking people he doesn’t agree with on Twitter, he is excluding them from an open on-line dialogue, which is prohibited by the First Amendment.

Well, this is great news for everyone who’s wanted to throw virtual tomatoes at our current President on Twitter, but were unceremoniously blocked by him. That’s right, you too can call him “an orange-tinged, baboon scrotum” and he just has to swallow whatever is left of his pride and take it.

No longer can he hit the block button on you when you’re all like, “rot in a pile of camel excrement, you over-boiled sack of cheddar vomit.” Finally, he has to hear what everyone thinks of him without the freedom to block it all out. Sure, there will be the occasional fool that bothers to compliment him, but they will most likely have a screen name like @RussianHackyBoiz or something, but it won’t stop the rest of us from saying what we mean.

So go ahead, call Trump a “boil-infested, shit-eating Satan baby,” or an “ugly, corpulent, puss-encrusted man-child with a micropenis” on social media! Regale him with your taunts, name calling and comparisons to various cheese products gone bad. You’re within your legal rights!

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As we are all eagerly awaiting the results of the many secret probes happening in Washington DC, the anticipation on word about the definite collusion of Donald Trump’s campaign with Russian intelligence is highest on our priority list. We’ve been digging deep while these probes are happening, and it looks like we may have found a few bombshells of our own.

Tied to Donald Trump’s Twitter account were a few of his apps. One of those apps, Spotify, had recently been removed, however, nothing on the internet goes away for good. Our savvy tech team took it upon themselves to gain access to his favorite playlists, and sure enough, we found something.

Amidst all the creepy songs like, Maurice Chevalier’s “Thank Heaven For Little Girls”, The Mills Brothers “Daddy’s Little Girl” and The Police’s “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” were the entire Gorky Park discography. If you’re not familiar with Gorky Park, they are a Russian glam band that hit it big in the USA with their first major release, featuring the single “Bang.”

With lyrics like “Give it in or give it out, We can blow it up!” and “Bang bang, say ‘da da da!’ Nothin’ less, I want to hear a yes!” it’s clear to see why he was obsessed with this band and Russia in general. The idea of explosions, blowing things up and not taking no for an answer all appeal to a man who has been threatening to nuke our “enemies” and likes to brag about grabbing the genitals of women who are not interested or available to him. Considering his obvious past as a sexual harassment trial waiting to happen, a song that showcases his rapey ways makes perfect sense in his library. The lack of an extensive vocabulary also appeals to Trump, as he generally can’t handle more than a few words in a short period of time.

Considering his obvious attraction to women from Slavic countries and Eastern Europe in general, it’s no surprise that his fandom of all things Russian would extend itself to USSR relics, bad hair and glam metal bands from that period and the comedy of Yakov Smirnoff.

We’re hoping to dig deeper and find more clues into his past, but we need to get beyond the 700+ tracks of Kids Bop that are impeding our progress on his playlists.

The post Trump’s Secret Soviet Past Tied To Gorky Park first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

While the rest of the United States was shocked and mortified over the sudden realization that World War 2 never quite ended, the head Nazi-In-Chief set his sights on starting World War 3.

Determined to out-nuke each other, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un sent each other text messages, tweets and passive-aggressive e-mails detailing just how bigger and better one’s nuclear prowess was. The two child-like menaces spent hours gambling with millions of lives hanging in the balance, as they sorted out their obvious hang-ups with the need to over-compensate for their fragile masculinity and tiny genitalia.

Finally, they agreed to a cock-fight to be held in a yet unnamed neutral territory which will be televised the world over. The United States has enlisted the help of James Cameron to use his film-making ingenuity and technological background in order to be able to capture the micro-penis sword-fight to the death in full detail.

The date for this bought is currently being finalized, as well as the rules and regulations. In order to avoid potential war crimes, very specific details are being hashed out, like the banning of any outside ordinance, such as implants, chemical enhancements or stunt-cocks from being used in the fight.

Security will be beefed up at this event, as the obvious fix for most of the world’s problems would be to eradicate these two morons off of the face of the planet, but we can’t have nice things so instead we’ll have to deal with them both existing for the moment.

The post Trump and Kim Jong-un To Battle To The Death In Micro-Penis Sword-fight first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

In a historical move that will be talked about for many years to come, Donald Trump has put his foot down and insisted that the United States pulls out of Kathy Griffin by 2020. Stating that he thinks our energies will be better spent elsewhere, he does not believe the verifiable science that has been presented to go against his demands and wishes.

While Kathy Griffin has had many ups and downs over the past few decades, the current trending is on an upscale, showing that the heat is ever increasing this year on all things Kathy Griffin. The sustained heat could possibly decrease, but that does not mean that she will go cold and frigid, overall.

The rest of the world chastises President’s Trump decision, as they are left to deal with and penetrate the defenses of Kathy Griffin without our help.

“I can not believe that the French people are left to satisfy Kathy Griffin in her ever increasing heat without any help from the United States. The American people are disappointed with Trump’s choice and so are we. Kathy Griffin should not just be the problem of every other nation in the world when the United States is the world’s leading contributor of Kathy Griffin.” French Prime Minister Édouard Philippe was visibly upset addressing the current need for stronger regulations against Kathy Griffin.

There has been no response from the White House yet on this matter, but we’re sure that they are preparing the immense clean up needed before we pull out of Kathy Griffin.

The post Trump Orders USA To Pull Out Of Kathy Griffin By 2020 first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) also known as the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), or the Islamic State (IS), and by its Arabic language acronym Daesh, is apparently willing to take credit for just about any and all tragedies that befall the world. Despite their apparent identity crisis, they sure know exactly what they are up to and are not afraid to tell us.

Recently they have taken responsibility for the tragedy that has befallen the USA, President Donald Trump. Going as far as to say that they helped him become president by instigating his talks with Russia, they want to let the world know just what kind of incredible power they have while they hide away and only emerge to let people know that they did something, even if they didn’t.

They have also taken credit for the King Arthur flop despite having no connection to the production, saying that their mere existence has caused the world to be in state where such an expensive bomb could exist. This would be a first for them, as they usually seem to go with bombs of a much cheaper, yet more deadly, variety.

Insisting that they had their hands involved with the creations of  Coca-Cola II, Duke Nukem Forever, the final season of Dexter and the McDonald’s Arch Deluxe, we’re not sure that there is anything awful that ISIS, or ISIL, or whatever the hell they are going to be called tomorrow won’t claim was their handiwork.

The post ISIS Claims Responsibility For Trump And Other Tragedies first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

While most people associate Mountain Dew to be the beverage of extremism, the USA has launched an attack on a Syrian air base using 59 Tomahawk missiles loaded to the brim with Pepsi.

Now known as the soda of peace and tolerance, US Officials told us that the hope was that the Assad regime would take in some of the sweet soft drink and “chill the f*ck out.”

Usually known to kill people through the classic means, like diabetes and cancer, Pepsi falling from the sky is sure to be a new, cool refreshing way to die. There is no more fitting way fore the USA to show it’s force an power than to overload the bodies of dying Syrians with high-fructose corn syrup.

After the chemical strikes happened recently, killing 100 civilians, the USA decided it needed to #jointheconversation and intervene with a bold, crisp taste that sweetens the smile and stops the hearts of the oppressive.

As of this time neither the White House press secretary nor Pepsi’s PR agency were available for comments.

The post US Launches 59 Missiles Loaded With Pepsi At Syria first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Without skipping a beat, Democrats have set their sights on the next election. The loss to Donald Trump has left an aching, huge, bloody hole in the heart of America’s Thinking Core, but they have chosen to get right back on their feet, after they cry about the whole thing for about 48 hours.

Hillary Clinton’s loss came as a huge shock to so many that forgot she was one of the most constantly vilified politicians of the past few decades. Republicans didn’t like her. Democrats didn’t like her. People who nothing about her didn’t like her. People just really didn’t like her. Why? Many wouldn’t even be able to tell you why, but they knew that they didn’t like her.

The DNC colluding to keep Bernie Sanders, the people’s choice, out of this election was also not a popular move. With the DNC largely looking to take a kick to the face for all of this, they are still determined.

“We won’t sleep. We won’t take this on the chin. We are going to sally forth, pick up our bags, lick our wounds and make sure that 2020 isn’t more of the same. I remember a time when we could go outside without fear of being attacked for our race, color, skin, gender or sexuality. Well, not everywhere, and not that long ago, but at least in our blue states, we felt pretty safe. I mean, there was still the threat of rape at every corner for just about every city in America for all women… I guess around the world, but you know what I mean. Now it feels terrifying just to travel a few blocks and we sure as hell don’t want that to last more than 4 years. We don’t even want it for those 4 years! We want to go back to those comfortable, less insane and more progressive times. Just a few years ago people were being more respectful, women were making strides closer towards equal pay and gays finally could marry! Remember that? Let’s get back to that! LET’S MAKE AMERICA GREAT, no GREATER than it ever has been! Let’s make America GREATER, again!” This woman preferred not to be named as of yet because she still wasn’t sure who she could trust or what person she might run into that has opposing beliefs.

We’re with you, Janet. Ah crap, sorry.

The post Democrats Vow To Make America Greater Again In 2020 first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

The real-life terror that is this year’s Halloween story, is not for the faint of heart. The toughest part about something like this is describing him in rhyme, when nothing rhymes with orange. We shall try, anyway:

‘Twas the day of Halloween,
And choices were so near.
Choose the Nasty Woman,
Or the beast with hair so queer?

He, with gnashing teeth,
And she with boxy attire.
Here eyes were loopy and crazy,
His skin like a raging fire

She promised all the world
The opposite of herself.
He promised Mexicans
He’d put them on a shelf.

He spit and cursed and raged,
And ran his mouth till bloody.
Could all of this be staged?
Even if it is, it still isn’t so funny.

The Demented Orange Beast,
Set himself to take us over.
From West up to the East,
From Seattle out to Dover.

Fear entrenched the land,
Small children were crying.
The hopes of freedom and peace,
Were dreams that ll were dying.

In less than just a week,
You get to make a choice.
Do you settle for a beast,
Or do you hate that woman’s voice?

The choice is really yours,
That’s the most terrifying.
Because people are the worst,
Most without even trying.

 

The post The Demented Orange Beast: A Halloween Poem first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

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A shocking revelation has come about during this election cycle, as only six of the nation’s newspapers have endorsed Donald Trump, or at least are willing to admit it. While even the most hardcore Republicans have stepped away from backing their dark horse candidate, like they were about to step into a puddle of herpes, these few papers have stood their ground. The average Trump supporter, however, hasn’t even noticed because they simply don’t read newspapers.

Oddly enough, sales figures suggest that many are actively buying these papers, they just aren’t reading them. We went out to question a few of the neighbors in these towns, and the results weren’t very surprising or shocking, but they were a bit telling.

“I love the crossword puzzles. Now, I don’t actually fill them out. I don’t have that kind of time, but I like staring at the black and white spaces. I like how the blacks and whites are separated, and there are no gray spaces. I love that about crossword puzzles,” said Tammy Boreson. We caught her just as she was walking out of her doctor’s office, getting a checkup for her tubal ligation. Thank goodness, for that.

We spotted a copy of Waxahachie Daily Light on a porch front that just happened to have a Trump/Pence banner on the front fence. We rang the doorbell and out came Orville Niles, who seemed a bit angry at us. “You rang my doorbell just because of some flippin’ newspaper? Yeah, I get it every day. I don’t know why, though. I think the person who owned this house before me used to get it and these people just never bothered to stop sending it. I use it to pick up my dog’s crap and whack her on the nose when she does the wrong thing. You really need to keep a bitch in her place. I don’t bother reading it, though, because of the Liberal Media. All the media is liberal. All of it. You even need to go to a Liberal arts school just to write for these damn things. Were are the conservative arts schools? Nowhere, because the whole system is rigged and newspapers are for communist, liberal scum. If I could burn every newspaper in the country, I would. How’s that for your goddamn energy independence? Burn them papers and we’d have enough energy to fuel the whole damn country. No one thinks of things like that because they keep reading these liberal things and just want to watch lesbians kiss and have gay sex with children. I tell you, they’re poison.”

Needless to say, after that interaction we decided it was best if we went home and cried about the state of things.

The post Only Six Newspapers Endorsed Trump But His Supporters Didn’t Notice Because They Don’t Read first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.