In a surprising effort that shows that somehow prisoners have better communication with each other in different states than you did in your last, failed relationship, some 25,000 prisoners in about 29 prisons over 12 states have basically unionized. That’s right, prisoners do a better job of standing up for their rights than we do. Are you feeling ashamed yet? You should.

Since September 9th, the anniversary of the uprising at Attica, work stoppages all across the prisons of this nation have caused prison guards headaches, longer lines at the DMV and husbands and wives upset that they aren’t getting their conjugal visits. Trying to end the 30 cent maximum wage that is currently in place, the prisoners are trying to end what they call “slave labor” wages. Now, they have two major problems with that, however. First of all, slaves didn’t get paid. They were housed and fed, just like prisoners, but they didn’t even get a minimum wage, so that goes out the window right there. Secondly, you don’t really care about them because they are prisoners.

Yeah, you know it’s true. Admit it to yourself. People who did bad things want to have a better life? Oh, boo hoo for them? Why should they be allowed to unionize, get better wages and potentially increase the economic output and responsibility in their lives, all under the guise of “maybe they’ll be better people once they get out of prison?” I mean, didn’t they have to do something horrible just to get in? The answer is, “maybe?” About 10,000 people are wrongfully imprisoned each year in the United States. I bet you don’t even know that many people. I bet you don’t even have more than a handful of people you can really call friends. I bet that if you were in prison you’d be doing horrible things just to be able to claim you had friends, because you’re not that likable and even you wouldn’t be friends with you. But this isn’t about you, this is about paying people less money an hour for labor than you would page for a single postage stamp. Maybe the caveat is that if they are getting paid less than a postage stamp someone needs to lick their backs? I don’t know.

There are even states where labor isn’t paid for at all, while in federal prisons they get paid a whopping 40 cents a hour. That sounds like too much to me. I mean, what are they going to spend that on in prison? They could get so much damn ramen after a few months work. There have been riots, hunger strikes, violence and potentially there will be death, but you won’t read about it much on the news because why would you care? These are bad people! All prisoners, even the innocent ones, or the ones that are in there because they killed someone that was abusing their children, shot someone that raped their wife or ran over someone that was trying to steal their car, are bad people. We don’t like bad people. That’s why we hate everyone that isn’t us. Obviously, the only good people on this planet are the ones that are just like me… or you, which if you read this out loud, it would feel like you were saying this about you anyhow.

So, did I just waste 10 minutes writing about something you don’t care about? I don’t know, but you might have just wasted a few minutes reading it. I’m hoping you care about something, whether it be your own minimum wage jobs, the fresh air you get to breathe on a daily basis and the fact that you might get your license plates faster from the DMV if these horrible villains of society start getting paid more than what it costs to get a miniature Slim-Jim these days. Bad people deserve bad wages, right? I mean, getting anally raped in prison isn’t bad enough, they need to work hard and make no money for it, too.

The post Prisoners Are On Strike, But You Don’t Care Because They’re Prisoners first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

The largest strike in the history of our human lives has taken place this week in India and you probably hadn’t heard about it. On September 2nd, 2016, a trade union coalition that represents over 180 million Indian workers striked for one day, on record as protesting the policies of Prime Minister Narendra Modi. The lack of media attention in the USA, however, proves to us that the protest was actually about something different.

While it might be nice and easy to think that they are standing up for human rights and labor conditions, we firmly believe that they were actually protesting the removal of the headphone jack from the iPhone 7. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “This protest happened days before the press conference! How could they know?” It’s very simple: they’re in india. Almost all the tech companies you call wind up forwarding to call centers there. They also manufacture tons of technology. They would know before all of us here, because it is their job to know!

So, tens of millions march out in solidarity over the iPhone 7. It sounds like it might be far-fetched idea, but look at the media coverage. It was very hard to find any information on the largest strike in our world’s history but the iPhone was plastered everywhere. That logically has to mean that reporting the iPhone was also covering the strike since the gadget was obviously the whole reason why the strike even took place! We are very proud to have been able to uncover this and help bring back a little light of favor to Prime Minister Narendra Modi who was getting a bit of a bum rap.

I mean sure, he may have encouraged the 2002 riots in Gujarat that had Hindu mobs killing around 1000 people, which were mostly Muslims. And yes, his women and child development minister was arrested sentenced to 28 years for handing out swords and encouraging people to attack muslims with them. And while he leads a nation with record amounts of people in poverty, working in poor conditions and slaving away to bring home barely anything, he still caters to business and making sure that business owners are happier than their employees. All of those things are true.

But does that make him such a monster? No, because the thought of a dying puppy still makes him sad. In fact, bad things happening all over the world makes him sad, even if he refuses to participate in anything to stop the things in his own country that makes him sad. It’s still making him sad, though, see? That’s human! Doing nothing about stuff you know you can control makes him just like one of us! You know? I mean, hey, I could lose a little weight, but that pizza isn’t going to finish itself. I could totally only have one or two slices but I’m really just helpless to do anything about my self-control. I’m just going to eat the whole thing. It’s just like that! He’s just like one of us.

So, remember, when it’s time for you to upgrade to your next Apple device, is it really worth it? Millions upon millions of people stood up against that damn headphone jack being removed and you still want to buy that phone? Think of the starving children in India. They totally don’t support you buying such an inferior product. They want you to be able to plug in your headphones without any additional accessories, just like every other good, humane person out there.

The post iPhone 7 Specs Cause Largest Strike In World History first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.