As the 2016 Presidential Election nears, emotions are on a proverbial roller coaster, tempers are flaring and self-hatred on a national scale has taken over. Everyone hates this election. Just about no one is happy about the choices we have to make, but Facebook wants to make you feel good about the fact that you intend to even make a choice.

Yes, now you too can exclaim your love for the privilege and right to vote in the United States. As is often said, it’s not real unless it’s on Facebook and now it’s so very, very real. You can now show the world, with a simple status update, that you are registered to vote in the general election! You can also remind others to register. It doesn’t matter that you might only be here for school and all of your 2000 friends live back home in Australia, you now can remind them all to register to vote in the American election they can’t partake in!

Have you not been able to tell everyone how good a mother you are by breastfeeding? Have you not been able to remind everyone how awesome you are to the world by being a vegan? Has it been 3 days since you last spoke about how much you’re saving the planet by riding a bike every day? Well, here is your release! You can just show how in tune you are with trying to do good by slapping that big, ole ugly graphic on the top of your Facebook status and proclaim your intent to vote during the election. The best part? You don’t even have to vote! You can just say you’ve been registered and all these fuzzy, good feeling will come true!

Sure, they might be giving you crap about not vaccinating your kids, but you don’t want them to be autistic and it’s okay because you’re letting them know you’ve registered to vote!

It doesn’t matter that you’ve used drugs to knock out every woman you’ve ever slept with. That’s called rape, by the way, but it’s okay because you’ve just told everyone you’re registered to vote!

Have you strangled a small child? Do you like it when people defecate in your mouth? Do you enjoy watching Glee? All of that is okay! You’re registered to vote! You have saved lives! You have kept black people from being shot by the police for today! You have fed a starving child! You have clothed a naked baby left on the steps of a convent! You have registered to vote and you’re a damn hero.

This is all just a way of trying to make us feel better about taking part in the worst election in modern USA history. When it comes down to it, that’s not the worst idea, since you may be potentially voting for the worst human being to ever rule over the states. You could use a little back patting to make you feel good about choosing from the unchoosable.

Now, that you feel so much better about yourself, we’re glad you’re feeling better, but please, we don’t really care. No one cares if you registered to vote, they just care if you actually go out and vote. Actually, most people don’t even care if you do that. People generally just care about themselves and what they do. It’s all just social masturbation. We still love you if you didn’t register to vote, just don’t do any of the other crap we mentioned. Please. I know Glee isn’t as bad as rape, but both should be avoided at all costs.

The post Facebook Attempts To Increase Self-Esteem During The Most Hated USA Election first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Thanks for sticking through with us, faithful readers. I had to fight off unwanted, internet miscreants, trying to shut down this shining beacon in a world of mistrusted journalism and false facts.

Here we are, in 2016, and still people want to silence the truth. Well, they had us down for a few days, but Anonymouse just couldn’t keep it up for long. Like a boastful teen on prom night, they came at us hard, broke us down but then came up short and empty when the time called for them to do their thing.

Now we’re bigger, faster, harder and stronger than ever! You might notice some new bells and whistles, some small changes and even an subscription option. Well, the dismantling they gave us allowed us to re-think a few things and add some stuff we’ve been wanting to have from the beginning.

This is a free world, folks, and no bullies should be allowed to take us down, unless they are government elected officials, of course.

So, as you go on with your day, no that you have to worry no longer. The Hoof and Trunk Post is back and better than ever. This is better than Coke II, Clear Pepsi and Independence Day: Resurgence, all rolled into one! We shall not disappoint you. New content will start to roll out slowly but surely. Be afraid, you enemies of truth and justice. Our trumpets shall wail and we shall stamp you out!

The post The Hoof And Trunk Post Is Back! first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Stay-at-home keyboard warriors, Anonymouse, declared war on the Federal Reserve today. While many folks expected to see something out of the Mr. Robot Season 1 story arch, instead we were treated to reports of “not much of anything.”

A barrage of DDOS attacks were launched at multiple banks that serve as part of the Federal Reserve banking system, however, it really was just attacks on their websites. None of their internal infrastructure was affected, no banking systems were taken down and none of the 1% even knew it was happening.

While Anonymouse is known to make a bigger impact during their events, this one was felt about as much as a mouse fart. As the chairperson of the Federal Reserve, Democrat Janet Yellen took a break from feasting on the limbs of babies to make this statement: “While we appreciate the fear and hatred from the masses at our capabilities of snapping our fingers and ruining the lives of the poor, we do not take attacks like this lightly. If you dare to attack our bank’s websites, we will be forced to… I’m sorry, HAHAHAHAHAH! I can’t even keep a straight face on this one. Oh, man. No one even goes to these websites! By the time we noticed our IT team in Bangladesh had already pinpointed what systems were affected and brought up redundant servers to take their places. It’s like they’ve never even done this before. Come on! We’re too big to fail! Make us fail! Don’t make us 404… that’s not going to do much but tickle. Seriously, try to collapse the economic system of the free world with a DDOS attack. That will work every time! Ugh… you’d think they’d do something worthwhile like finally get a good copy of the Ghostbusters remake or Suicide Squad up on torrent sites so people wouldn’t have to pay to watch those crappy movies, or get the Sausage Party animators better paychecks. Sorry, I’ve just really been in a movie going mood lately. Good night.”

After Janet Yellen walked off, representatives told us that Anonymouse was rearing for another round of attacks, this time on the Hess Truck website, as a way to assert their belief that we have too much dependency on oil and need more clean, renewable energy resources. Once again, this showed that they really have no idea what the hell they are doing and need better leadership in place if they hope to do something worthwhile.

They sure do have a nifty logo, though! Ah crap, it looks like they’re trying to take down our website!

The post Anonymouse Attacks Federal Reserve Where It Doesn’t Really Hurt first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.