Facebook Attempts To Increase Self-Esteem During The Most Hated USA Election

It's not just for trying to find random people to have sex with anymore! Now it's for recruiting voters!
It’s not just for trying to find random people to have sex with anymore! Now it’s for recruiting voters!

As the 2016 Presidential Election nears, emotions are on a proverbial roller coaster, tempers are flaring and self-hatred on a national scale has taken over. Everyone hates this election. Just about no one is happy about the choices we have to make, but Facebook wants to make you feel good about the fact that you intend to even make a choice.

Yes, now you too can exclaim your love for the privilege and right to vote in the United States. As is often said, it’s not real unless it’s on Facebook and now it’s so very, very real. You can now show the world, with a simple status update, that you are registered to vote in the general election! You can also remind others to register. It doesn’t matter that you might only be here for school and all of your 2000 friends live back home in Australia, you now can remind them all to register to vote in the American election they can’t partake in!

Have you not been able to tell everyone how good a mother you are by breastfeeding? Have you not been able to remind everyone how awesome you are to the world by being a vegan? Has it been 3 days since you last spoke about how much you’re saving the planet by riding a bike every day? Well, here is your release! You can just show how in tune you are with trying to do good by slapping that big, ole ugly graphic on the top of your Facebook status and proclaim your intent to vote during the election. The best part? You don’t even have to vote! You can just say you’ve been registered and all these fuzzy, good feeling will come true!

Sure, they might be giving you crap about not vaccinating your kids, but you don’t want them to be autistic and it’s okay because you’re letting them know you’ve registered to vote!

It doesn’t matter that you’ve used drugs to knock out every woman you’ve ever slept with. That’s called rape, by the way, but it’s okay because you’ve just told everyone you’re registered to vote!

Have you strangled a small child? Do you like it when people defecate in your mouth? Do you enjoy watching Glee? All of that is okay! You’re registered to vote! You have saved lives! You have kept black people from being shot by the police for today! You have fed a starving child! You have clothed a naked baby left on the steps of a convent! You have registered to vote and you’re a damn hero.

This is all just a way of trying to make us feel better about taking part in the worst election in modern USA history. When it comes down to it, that’s not the worst idea, since you may be potentially voting for the worst human being to ever rule over the states. You could use a little back patting to make you feel good about choosing from the unchoosable.

Now, that you feel so much better about yourself, we’re glad you’re feeling better, but please, we don’t really care. No one cares if you registered to vote, they just care if you actually go out and vote. Actually, most people don’t even care if you do that. People generally just care about themselves and what they do. It’s all just social masturbation. We still love you if you didn’t register to vote, just don’t do any of the other crap we mentioned. Please. I know Glee isn’t as bad as rape, but both should be avoided at all costs.