Stay-at-home keyboard warriors, Anonymouse, declared war on the Federal Reserve today. While many folks expected to see something out of the Mr. Robot Season 1 story arch, instead we were treated to reports of “not much of anything.”
A barrage of DDOS attacks were launched at multiple banks that serve as part of the Federal Reserve banking system, however, it really was just attacks on their websites. None of their internal infrastructure was affected, no banking systems were taken down and none of the 1% even knew it was happening.
While Anonymouse is known to make a bigger impact during their events, this one was felt about as much as a mouse fart. As the chairperson of the Federal Reserve, Democrat Janet Yellen took a break from feasting on the limbs of babies to make this statement: “While we appreciate the fear and hatred from the masses at our capabilities of snapping our fingers and ruining the lives of the poor, we do not take attacks like this lightly. If you dare to attack our bank’s websites, we will be forced to… I’m sorry, HAHAHAHAHAH! I can’t even keep a straight face on this one. Oh, man. No one even goes to these websites! By the time we noticed our IT team in Bangladesh had already pinpointed what systems were affected and brought up redundant servers to take their places. It’s like they’ve never even done this before. Come on! We’re too big to fail! Make us fail! Don’t make us 404… that’s not going to do much but tickle. Seriously, try to collapse the economic system of the free world with a DDOS attack. That will work every time! Ugh… you’d think they’d do something worthwhile like finally get a good copy of the Ghostbusters remake or Suicide Squad up on torrent sites so people wouldn’t have to pay to watch those crappy movies, or get the Sausage Party animators better paychecks. Sorry, I’ve just really been in a movie going mood lately. Good night.”
After Janet Yellen walked off, representatives told us that Anonymouse was rearing for another round of attacks, this time on the Hess Truck website, as a way to assert their belief that we have too much dependency on oil and need more clean, renewable energy resources. Once again, this showed that they really have no idea what the hell they are doing and need better leadership in place if they hope to do something worthwhile.
They sure do have a nifty logo, though! Ah crap, it looks like they’re trying to take down our website!