Clinton Vs. Trump Compared To Crab Vs. Shoe & Other Dumb Battles

This is just one of many battles we would rather watch than the upcoming debate.
This is just one of many battles we would rather watch than the upcoming debate.

There have been many classic debates and battles over the course of human history. The first televised presidential debate, between John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon in 1960, is still fresh in our memories over 50 years later. Fights like Ali Vs Frazier showed what true tenacity under pressure could yield. Even Ford vs Carter had some amazing moments, like “There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,” which was a huge goof by Gerald Ford. This upcoming debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, however, is sure to come off more like a wet fart vs. a lazy bladder that can’t hold the pee in.

Other colorful comparisons have been a crab vs a shoe, as a crab will walk sideways during any tough confrontation and a shoe pretty much just sits there and does nothing but be a shoe and maybe stink.

How about a hand full of used Q-tips Vs. a wad of toilet paper that was used to pick up hair after shaving? You don’t really want to hold on to either but the garbage bag is full and you didn’t realize you were out of empty bags.

Or maybe the ever classic battle of a dead mouse versus a dead rat. Both are kind of the same and stink just as much after a while, but one is obviously bigger and more annoying to deal with than the other.

Some other quick battles that come to mind are an old man with a broken leg versus an old woman with a broken hip, AIDS vs cancer, realizing you ran out of toilet paper after you already pooped Vs. buying a bunch of scented candles and forgetting to get matches and, finally, a baby with a soiled diaper versus an unsatisfying, unenthusiastic handjob with really calloused hands.

Whatever the debate yields, it will still feel more like the promos for Alien vs Predator. No matter who wins, we lose. The debate will at least make for some interesting headlines, Twitter blurbs and joke website stories. They can’t all be King Kong Vs. Godzilla.