Armed Voters To Be Allowed At All Polling Locations This Fall

Bring your sexy ass there to vote.
Bring your sexy ass there to vote.

In a stunning decision, the US Government has decided to allowed armed voters at all polling locations in the forthcoming general election. This surprising announcement has made a shock wave through all manners of political discussion and is causing quite the stir. Some are fearful that it will cause chaos or incite violent riots, others are afraid that it will affect the voter turnout numbers.

In order to get to the bottom of this decision, find out more about what it means and have a better understanding of where this even came from, we contacted The U.S. Election Assistance Commission for clarification.

Hoof And Trunk: So, how did the decision come about to allow armed voters into polling locations this year?

US EAC: Oddly enough, you’re the second press group to contact us about this today. This is nothing new and has always been allowed. Armed citizens have a right to vote, just as much as unarmed citizens.

H.A.T: Aren’t you afraid that you could be sending the wrong message, that allowing armed citizens is just inviting something horrible to happen?

US EAC: Are you serious? Have you seen our choices for president? Something horrible is going to happen no matter who gets to vote. Having armed voters isn’t going to change anything. We’ve been doing this since voting in the USA started.

H.A.T.: Wait, you’re saying that this has been going on all this time and we never noticed? How is this even possible?

US EAC: We’re actually kind of surprised that this is even something worth having a discussion over. No body is complaining about any other demographic of legal voters. Aren’t you, yourself, an armed citizen?

H.A.T.: No, actually I am not. While I believe in the right for us as Americans to purchase and own firearms, I don’t personally feel the need to have one.

US EAC: Whoa, whoa… who said anything about firearms. I’m talking about just regular arms. You’re an armed citizen if you have arms. Wait, you thought we meant we were going to allow everyone, everywhere to be able to carry weapons into polling locations? Are you insane?!

H.A.T.: Why would you ever release a notification about people with arms being able to vote? That’s got be the the dumbest thing you guys could have done! Of course the rest of us would be confused by that. It’s so misleading!

US EAC: What? We never released such a thing. We’ve actually made no press releases about anything of the sort and we value our armed voters as well as our unarmed voters. Everyone should be able to cast a vote, arms or no arms. I think the first mention of this just came from your ridiculous, incendiary headline up there.

H.A.T.: This can’t be! You’re saying we made all of this up? But how is this possible! I… I need to sit down. I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Am I even a real person? I’m sorry, I’ll let you go about your day. This is all too much for me. Have a good night.

Uh, sorry about that folks… false alarm?