A Historical shift begins today, as the GOP-led House has voted to impeach Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas. He is now the first Cabinet secretary to be impeached in nearly 150 years, but once folks found out he was Cuban, it was no surprise to them.

“Oh, well, I mean, he sure looked like one of us, but we knew deep down inside something was wrong whenever he told anyone his name. THEN you could hear the Mexican come out,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “Oh, no. I know he’s Cuban, but Cubans are just a different brand of Mexican. Like, Diet-Mexican, I guess? I dunno, I don’t really know much about all the different types of Mexicans there are out there. Like what’s the difference between a Dominican and Puerto Rican Mexican? Right? Who knows?!”

Overtly disgusted by the ignorant and racist statements coming out of the House GOP, Democrats are trying to mobilize against the rhetoric, but think they may need to use it to their advantage, first. “Oh, we’re going to slip some things into the bill to get aid to Israel and Ukraine. Since the GOP doesn’t really know geography very well, we will refer to the Ukraine and Israel as parts of Texas needing funds to keep out Mexicans at their border. This should pass, easy,” offered up House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries.

It’s not the worst idea. Republicans are definitely the Elmer Fudds of politics and thus a Bugs Bunny style trick like this may very well work.

The post House GOP Impeaches Cuban-American Alejandro Mayorkas Because “Cubans Are Just A Different Brand Of Mexican” first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

The United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit doesn’t just have a ridiculously long name, they also clarified something we all already knew: Trump has been unconstitutional. By blocking people he doesn’t agree with on Twitter, he is excluding them from an open on-line dialogue, which is prohibited by the First Amendment.

Well, this is great news for everyone who’s wanted to throw virtual tomatoes at our current President on Twitter, but were unceremoniously blocked by him. That’s right, you too can call him “an orange-tinged, baboon scrotum” and he just has to swallow whatever is left of his pride and take it.

No longer can he hit the block button on you when you’re all like, “rot in a pile of camel excrement, you over-boiled sack of cheddar vomit.” Finally, he has to hear what everyone thinks of him without the freedom to block it all out. Sure, there will be the occasional fool that bothers to compliment him, but they will most likely have a screen name like @RussianHackyBoiz or something, but it won’t stop the rest of us from saying what we mean.

So go ahead, call Trump a “boil-infested, shit-eating Satan baby,” or an “ugly, corpulent, puss-encrusted man-child with a micropenis” on social media! Regale him with your taunts, name calling and comparisons to various cheese products gone bad. You’re within your legal rights!

The post You Can Call Trump A Boil-Infested, Shit-Eating Satan Baby And He Just Has To Take It first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Despite the popularity of fictional stories, cartoons and pornographic material depicting mermaids or mermen, the CDC confirmed today that fish/human hybrids do not exist.

We know this may come to be very disappointing for some, but we’re very happy to get this confirmation, as tension has been building up thanks to a few issues that we need to address.

1. Securing our borders – What would the point of a wall between us and Mexico be if fish people could just swim to any beach on the USA and come in to the country that way? Any money spent developing a land-block solution would be a waste.
   
2. Thanks to films like The Little Mermaid and The Shape of Water, our children, and some adults, will really want to meet and eventually mate with said mer-people. This would pollute the human genome and also inevitably open us up to a whole new slew of bacteria, viruses and STDs.
   
3. The Fecal Bacteria problem – our waters have a very large issue with being unsafe thanks to an over abundance of fecal bacteria. Many folks thought that this was thanks to mermaids just taking their leisurely dumps in the ocean, but this apparently not the case. Now we definitely know that we must find a human solution to this problem and not defer to sea royalty in order for it to be fixed.

Now that we have this information, will companies like Disney get smarter about how they portray mermaids and mermen in the future? Maybe we should ignore this type of fiction all-together, as we wouldn’t want to confuse our children into thinking that human-fish hybrids exist, or that one could communicate with all creatures of the sea. Children are obviously idiots and could never make the distinction between animated fiction featuring a fake species and what we actually have in the real world.

The post Fish-Human Hybrids Still Don’t Exist first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Hello,

We see you’re trying to read “What Happens If We Lose Net Neutrality?” on the website, http://www.hoofandtrunk.com .

As you have not paid your full allotment for “SATIRE” for this month, please insert $5 into your computer.

If you do not comply we are afraid that we can not allow you to read the rest of this article.

Thank you,

The FCC by way of your Internet Service Provider

Seriously, though…

The post What Happens If We Lose Net Neutrality? first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

As we are all eagerly awaiting the results of the many secret probes happening in Washington DC, the anticipation on word about the definite collusion of Donald Trump’s campaign with Russian intelligence is highest on our priority list. We’ve been digging deep while these probes are happening, and it looks like we may have found a few bombshells of our own.

Tied to Donald Trump’s Twitter account were a few of his apps. One of those apps, Spotify, had recently been removed, however, nothing on the internet goes away for good. Our savvy tech team took it upon themselves to gain access to his favorite playlists, and sure enough, we found something.

Amidst all the creepy songs like, Maurice Chevalier’s “Thank Heaven For Little Girls”, The Mills Brothers “Daddy’s Little Girl” and The Police’s “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” were the entire Gorky Park discography. If you’re not familiar with Gorky Park, they are a Russian glam band that hit it big in the USA with their first major release, featuring the single “Bang.”

With lyrics like “Give it in or give it out, We can blow it up!” and “Bang bang, say ‘da da da!’ Nothin’ less, I want to hear a yes!” it’s clear to see why he was obsessed with this band and Russia in general. The idea of explosions, blowing things up and not taking no for an answer all appeal to a man who has been threatening to nuke our “enemies” and likes to brag about grabbing the genitals of women who are not interested or available to him. Considering his obvious past as a sexual harassment trial waiting to happen, a song that showcases his rapey ways makes perfect sense in his library. The lack of an extensive vocabulary also appeals to Trump, as he generally can’t handle more than a few words in a short period of time.

Considering his obvious attraction to women from Slavic countries and Eastern Europe in general, it’s no surprise that his fandom of all things Russian would extend itself to USSR relics, bad hair and glam metal bands from that period and the comedy of Yakov Smirnoff.

We’re hoping to dig deeper and find more clues into his past, but we need to get beyond the 700+ tracks of Kids Bop that are impeding our progress on his playlists.

The post Trump’s Secret Soviet Past Tied To Gorky Park first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

In a surprise announcement, the White House confirmed today that it threw out a bag of rotting cottage cheese two weeks ago. This information came as a surprise to many as they thought that disgusting bag of stinking, white refuse would never be tossed out into the garbage where it belongs.

Oddly enough, the sent of rancid, dairy air can still be detected all around the White House as hardly anyone noticed a change.

“It’s still awful in here. I mean, just this weekend were were asking ourselves when the gross lumps of regurgitated cow fat would be out of here since the influence was felt in every speech that Trump had to deliver. We had no idea that it had already been sent to the landfill,” an unnamed White House aide that did not want to be identified told us.

Considering the intense rotten smells and feeling that hangs heavy in the air of Washington DC, many were shocked to see that getting rid of this sack of curdling curds did nothing to stop horrid reality we’ve all had to live with there for the past few months.

There was no reason given for why this rancid sack of scum was thrown out but we just as soon accepted the notion that there is never a reason needed to get rid of stinking slop and unwanted rubbish.

The post Rotting Bag Of Cottage Cheese Thrown Out Of White House Two Weeks Ago But It Still Stinks first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

While the rest of the United States was shocked and mortified over the sudden realization that World War 2 never quite ended, the head Nazi-In-Chief set his sights on starting World War 3.

Determined to out-nuke each other, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un sent each other text messages, tweets and passive-aggressive e-mails detailing just how bigger and better one’s nuclear prowess was. The two child-like menaces spent hours gambling with millions of lives hanging in the balance, as they sorted out their obvious hang-ups with the need to over-compensate for their fragile masculinity and tiny genitalia.

Finally, they agreed to a cock-fight to be held in a yet unnamed neutral territory which will be televised the world over. The United States has enlisted the help of James Cameron to use his film-making ingenuity and technological background in order to be able to capture the micro-penis sword-fight to the death in full detail.

The date for this bought is currently being finalized, as well as the rules and regulations. In order to avoid potential war crimes, very specific details are being hashed out, like the banning of any outside ordinance, such as implants, chemical enhancements or stunt-cocks from being used in the fight.

Security will be beefed up at this event, as the obvious fix for most of the world’s problems would be to eradicate these two morons off of the face of the planet, but we can’t have nice things so instead we’ll have to deal with them both existing for the moment.

The post Trump and Kim Jong-un To Battle To The Death In Micro-Penis Sword-fight first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

It has been a strange year for politics, especially in Washington, but things are about to get a whole lot stranger.

Sean Spicer, the now-former White House Press Secretary has resigned thanks to the appointing of a new Communications Director by President Donald Trump. Considering all that Trump has done up to this point, most analysts are mystified as to why this has broken the proverbial camel’s back.

With all the other bad choices that have come about, the appointing of Gollum as the Communications Director is really no surprise. He has an addiction problem, multiple personality disorder, a speech impediment and is otherwise terrible at communication all together. Of course he would be Trump’s first pick.

Sean Spicer was unavailable for comments but we did catch up with Gollum who gave us this short response you can listen, right here:

“*inaudible* We does not care about greedy fat hobbitses… Sean Spicer… Master wants us to keep going as if nothing is happening. You see, if we be nice to press, then press be nice to us… and all will be forgotten. *inaudible*”

The post Sean Spicer Resigns Thanks To Trump Hiring Gollum As Communications Director first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

Donald Trump has seemingly had a Twitter problem from the moment he joined the social network, but things are spiraling out of control, darkly. We’re used to him commenting on TV, whether it’s what show is on that night, something said on the news he doesn’t agree with or critiquing someone who took his job. There are a ton of different reasons why he would take to Twitter to run his mouth, but none of them are ever really “good” reasons.

Well, Today’s ranting might be his worst and could possibly get him removed from the service.

It started innocently enough, with him talking about the Tony Awards and making his complaints, as usual.

And then a little bit more on edge, but still what we’ve come to expect from the big, orange goofball:

And then it took a turn for the bizarre, dark and eventually sad. He is becoming unhinged and I’m terrified of what that might cause him to do next:



He needs help and he needs it soon. He’s unhinged and this country is much worse for the wear with these revealing thoughts of his in an obvious moment of weakness.

The post Trump Twitter Tirade Takes Dark Turn first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

When it comes to choosing the next FBI Director, President Donald Trump has had to fight against his baser instincts and cronyism. While the choices are numerous, most folks were expecting for the POTUS (Piece of Trash Ugly Senior) to go with Chris Christie. Christie, however, has been battling a monstrous plunge in his approval ratings, the bridge-gate scandal and a loss of self-control now that Krispy Kreme Doughnuts has been expanding all over New Jersey.

Considering all of this weight and baggage that Christie brings with him to any potential office, Donald Trump decided to do the next best thing and nominate his baggage handler.

Being responsible for all of the heavy baggage that Chris Christie has to travel with is not the same as actually being Chris Christie, so all of this bag and sack handling won’t taint him quite as much.

This baggage handler is responsible for fiddling with whatever is in Christie’s trunks, often palming a sack here or tossing a bag on his back to carry Christie’s load.

Considering how noxious Donald Trump has become to the average human being with any kind of rational capacity, it’s amazing to see just how low Chris Christie’s bank-ability has become. He’s become election and political poison, causing even the worst people in the USA to turn their backs on him. Could this be the boost he needed to turn his political career around?

Most likely not.

The rest of us didn’t like him before this, so now it’s just everyone agreeing that he’s a big piece of crap. It really doesn’t matter who’s carrying his bags, but if the President’s nomination holds, Christie is going to have to grapple and tug on his own bag from now on.

The post Chris Christie’s Baggage Handler Nominated For FBI Director first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.