On the campaign trail, before any voting is done, many presidential candidates will, at some point, claim that they are God’s choice as the next President of the United States. From George W. Bush to Rick Perry and many others that aren’t from Texas, God seems to choose a lot of Presidents, even if they don’t actually become President. This time around, however, God is making it known: he has no horse in the race.
“I don’t get it. I’ve never told chosen a candidate that I want them to be President. Not once have I ever done it and I don’t think I ever will. I don’t even want this particular job, how could I choose for someone to be an extension of this thankless task on Earth? How cruel do people think I am. Hold on, I’ve got a prayer from Louisiana I need to ignore.” God went on to tell us that he doesn’t really fall more on one side or the other, when it comes to Republicans and Democrats.
“They’re both full of people that are just wrong about what I want. I don’t care if the next president is a man or a woman. I don’t care if they are black, white, Samoan or mixed race. I don’t care if they are gay, straight, asexual or trans-gendered. These things don’t mean anything to me. I care more about how good they look in a suit and if they can keep my name out of their damn mouths. I have nothing to do with them! Do you know how annoying it is to be name dropped by people you’ve never even met? It’s so tiring.” God let us go again, saying that he had to listen to some group of terrorists ruin his name by doing some more atrocities. He told us he would get back to us after he followed the “see something, say something” directions he always sees on the subway.
Basically, God is the ultimate swing voter. He doesn’t really care for one party over the other and hasn’t chosen a particular candidate based on their issues in… well, ever. God finally caught back up with us a few hours later and had this to say:
“Sorry, I had to take care of that. I’m so tired of these yahoos thinking I want them to do stupid things in my name. It’s exhausting. Why can’t they make shoes for the homeless or something? Why does it have to be blowing things up and killing people or telling people they can’t have fun? I don’t get it. Anyhow, so, yeah, I don’t make a choice on who I want as president until they do something boneheaded, like call me out. If you notice, the only people who make it while claiming I chose them to be President are those that say it after they have already won. So, there is that. Yup, I just gave away my biggest secret. If you want to actually be President of the USA, don’t claim I chose you and you might actually win. BOOM, there is your bombshell! How’s that for an exclusive? Suck it, Watchtower! Let your kids have birthday cake, will you?”