National Food Poisoning Epidemic Turns Out To Be Distaste Over Current Political Climate

If you think you feel sick now, wait till the debates start.
If you think you feel sick now, wait till the debates start.

The CDC has released some information that many will find troubling and potentially disheartening. As many strains of sickness have seemed to affect millions, from coast to coast, the Zika virus and other cold/flu illnesses have been all over the media. However, just like Bernie Sanders, most major news organizations have been completely ignoring and avoiding the grand stomach flu that has swept the nation into a toilet clutching panic.

Thought to be a mass food poisoning, along with instances of water contamination at places like Flint, Michigan and 47 other states where it’s okay for poor people to die from drinking tap water, the actual source of the tremendous streams of diarrhea that have been flowing out of the populous is not even bacterial. In a landmark discovery, the Center for Disease Control has released their findings and people are just actually really sick of this upcoming Presidential election.

Yes, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump running for president has actually put such a distaste in politics for Americans that they are becoming physically ill from it.

“I saw an ad for Donald Trump’s campaign on my phone and immediately I had to vomit. I thought it was the Denny’s Moons Over My Hammy that I ate, but it turns out it was just seeing his horrible f*ck#ng face for the 5 billionth time. I can’t handle this. I’m spending more time on the toilet than I am with my children. They’re 12 and 14 now. They were born when he first announced his candidacy last year. How is this even possible? I hate this world,” Candace Flemington, a troubled mother from Boise, Idaho told us, with brown tears in her eyes.

Another voter voiced his discomfort over the other candidate, Hillary Clinton.

“I watched Hillary’s acceptance speech and my stomach was just tied up in knots. I thought it was the cinnamon rolls I had in the morning, but it didn’t make sense. I have those things every morning, by the dozen. If they never bothered me before, why would it bother me now? It had to be her. She wants my guns and to let illegals just run around this country like they own the place and that just made me sick to no end, out of both ends,” stated Charles Bodeé, clutching a roll of toilet paper like it was his gun.

A record number of people are expected to stay home from voting simply because they will be spending too much time on the toilet by the time November rolls around. As this article comes to a close, I took about 7 separate bathroom breaks. I’m sweating so much that I can barely type without a mistake, but thankfully spellcheck doesn’t care about politics and still knows how to do it’s job, unlike Congress. Be careful, drink lots of water (filtered, of course) and don’t worry, this will all be over soon, provided you don’t die from dehydration in the next few days