A shocking revelation has come about during this election cycle, as only six of the nation’s newspapers have endorsed Donald Trump, or at least are willing to admit it. While even the most hardcore Republicans have stepped away from backing their dark horse candidate, like they were about to step into a puddle of herpes, these few papers have stood their ground. The average Trump supporter, however, hasn’t even noticed because they simply don’t read newspapers.
Oddly enough, sales figures suggest that many are actively buying these papers, they just aren’t reading them. We went out to question a few of the neighbors in these towns, and the results weren’t very surprising or shocking, but they were a bit telling.
“I love the crossword puzzles. Now, I don’t actually fill them out. I don’t have that kind of time, but I like staring at the black and white spaces. I like how the blacks and whites are separated, and there are no gray spaces. I love that about crossword puzzles,” said Tammy Boreson. We caught her just as she was walking out of her doctor’s office, getting a checkup for her tubal ligation. Thank goodness, for that.
We spotted a copy of Waxahachie Daily Light on a porch front that just happened to have a Trump/Pence banner on the front fence. We rang the doorbell and out came Orville Niles, who seemed a bit angry at us. “You rang my doorbell just because of some flippin’ newspaper? Yeah, I get it every day. I don’t know why, though. I think the person who owned this house before me used to get it and these people just never bothered to stop sending it. I use it to pick up my dog’s crap and whack her on the nose when she does the wrong thing. You really need to keep a bitch in her place. I don’t bother reading it, though, because of the Liberal Media. All the media is liberal. All of it. You even need to go to a Liberal arts school just to write for these damn things. Were are the conservative arts schools? Nowhere, because the whole system is rigged and newspapers are for communist, liberal scum. If I could burn every newspaper in the country, I would. How’s that for your goddamn energy independence? Burn them papers and we’d have enough energy to fuel the whole damn country. No one thinks of things like that because they keep reading these liberal things and just want to watch lesbians kiss and have gay sex with children. I tell you, they’re poison.”
Needless to say, after that interaction we decided it was best if we went home and cried about the state of things.