In a stunning victory for black market organ dealers and 3rd world unlicensed surgeons, 217 American House Republicans unknowingly signed up to have their kidneys, livers and other internal organs harvested.

As they fought to dismantled the Affordable Care Act, they had no idea that they were signing themselves up to be found cold, naked and confused in a bathtub filled with ice. As a major blow against the average human in the USA was dealt, those in black market medical practices are incredibly happy with today’s outcome.

“We’re going to do so much business with these parts. It’s going to be like Christmas for anyone who needs a good kidney. You see, these senators and congressmen all have decent health plans and they don’t care what they do to anyone else’s lives, so they are perfect organ candidates. We generally don’t give a crap about where these organs come from, as long as they are nice, fresh and clean. Having decent healthcare, however, narrows down our targets, immensely. Sure, the Democrats would be nice targets, too, but we rather get processing organs from people who don’t smoke so much weed,” street-level surgeon, Siddhartha “The Slicer” Singh told us, today.

Since the average american will be losing their healthcare, the prospects are narrowed down to those with money or cushy government jobs. With these folks just lining up to support a system where amateur medicine, self-medicating and home remedies take over the affordable prospects of healthcare, it only makes sense that they also be viewed as the first folks to steal organs from when they are needed.

There is no word on when the first organs will be harvested but we expect a few “accidents” will be happening shortly.

The post 217 Republican Names Have Been Added To Black Market Organ Harvesting List first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

While the gaggle of overall dicks that makes up the Senate were split 50/50 on a bill set to make the existence of Planned Parenthood a thing of the past, the leader of all dicks, Mike Pence, was the tie-breaker, dooming the world to unsafe abortions, more rampant cervical cancer, sexually transmitted disease and overall vaginal doom.

Expressly being a woman-hating men’s club, the Senate has deemed it necessary to make life harder for their mothers, wives, sisters, aunts, mistresses and prostitutes. Well, except for those that prefer the taste of young men, usually in secret and usually under-age. Some even voted to make life for themselves a bit more difficult.

The majority of the few women in senate watched in horror as they were deemed second-class citizens by their peers and realized that, yet again, that they would be stuck between a bunch of flaccid dicks and a hard place.

Hopefully, something can be done to keep this situation from getting worse, but knowing how terrified these old men are of anything that has to do with lady parts, unless they get to ruin them, they will avoid fixing this at all costs. Unfortunately, no matter how many old dicks you round up, they’ll seldom find a way to make any vaginas happy.

The post A Bunch Of Dicks Vote To Make Life Harder For Vaginas first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

We are nothing, if not a nation of easily impressed people, but a new low was set as the standard last night, during President Donald Trump’s address to the Senate. Applauses were held long and hard as none of the words spoken seemed to even matter.

Sure, there were tons of inaccurate statistics thrown out like they were anything remotely close to reality.

Sure, there was tons of fear mongering and overt anti-immigrant speech, despite trying to act like he was trying to bring together people of all races and backgrounds.

Sure, Donald Trump didn’t sound nearly as idiotic as he usually does, but that was because he was reading off of a speech that some other idiots that are better at writing wrote for him.

The internet was flooded with comments like, “He reads good!” and “Wow, he didn’t pronounce any words wrong!”

The further the reading went, the more impressed folks were with statements like, “It’s been 30 minutes and I have no f*cking idea what he is talking about, but he sure sounds less like a backwards talking psychopath right now. Maybe he’s finally fit to be President?”

Or my favorite, “I didn’t vote for this scumbag. I hate him. I wish his face was smashed in with a ball-peen hammer, but he sounded great tonight! I didn’t know he could read!”

So what was formerly the heralded nation of immigrants is now the land of low expectations and nation of the easily impressed. Join us next week, when we celebrate 47 days of Trump not eating human babies as a President.

The post Complete Moron Impresses Millions By Reading Out Loud For An Hour first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

After weeks of intense debate, speculation, anger, frustration and confusion, the United States Senate has finally voted on the acceptance of a thoughtless, cold, uncaring brick of cheese as our next Secretary of Education.

Thought to be not much more than a vapid piece of lactose-free cheddar, the incredulous stupidity that was required to make such a decision simply means that the word incredulous will never be understood ever again.

When asked about the future of education in the United States, the brick of cheese said absolutely nothing. It’s a brick of cheese. It knows nothing about education, it has no independent thoughts on the matter and it will do absolutely no good for us or the children that will depend on it.

If served at a party with some pepperoni and butter crackers, it would bring delight to millions, but as the arbiter of knowledge and education in the USA, it will serve no purpose but to gridlock the process of free thought for future generations to come.

The post US Senate Votes In Brick Of Cheese As Education Secretary first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

The House Freedom Caucus are a bit afraid of any and all possible regime changes as we head towards next week’s election. As 34 Senate seats and all 435 House seats are up for reelection, the possibility that Congress will have to be a functioning body of our government system is a very real and possible threat to them.

After what felt like an endless stream of years worth of work refusals, filibustering and all around refusal to do anything, while still getting paid to be there, replacing many of these cold, dead bodies with new, warm living bodies could change things, immensely. If the democrats become the new majority, the possibility of them doing things, like passing bills, discussing policy and just working, in general, will feel completely foreign to any and all that retain their positions in Congress.

Surprisingly, the Republicans have been adamant about term limits being adopted, though they would have much to lose from an imposition that causes lifeless corpses being removed from our government. It’s as if they want to enact the things that Bernie Sanders has been fighting for in order to get rid of Bernie Sanders.

“I don’t really want to show up, or do anything, for that matter, but we need term limits. I think all republicans in office should get a chance to be here. It’s pretty awesome. Imagine the longest vacation you ever took, with the best pay you’ve ever been paid. I love being part of this. You can nap as much as you want, and hell, sometimes we even watch porn on our laptops. No one cares! Nothing is happening here. Who wants to listen to these boring people talk, anyhow? Term limits would be a good thing, so that everyone could get a chance to be here. Plus, we really need more hot, young women here. I don’t even care if they might turn out to be democrats, we can figure something out,” said Roy Blunt from Missouri.

We’ll just have to wait and see, next week, to find out if the vacation is over for these do-nothing politicians.

The post House Republicans Afraid They Might Have To Start Working Again In 2017 first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

They say a sequel can never be as good as the original, but there have been a few exceptions like Terminator 2, Aliens and of course World War 2. Well, the United States and Russia are preparing for a joint production that is going to knock everyone’s socks off. Boasting a huge all-star cast and a budget that has never before been seen in the theater of war, pre-production for Cold War 2: Electric Boogaloo is now under way!

This multi-level engagement is going to shock and awe people like never before. If all goes as planned, there will be a record number of deaths, destruction and property damage, all done without the will of the populace behind it. Yes, you heard that right. Neither the Russian civilians nor American citizens really want this to happen, but if and when it does, it promises to kill us in the thousands! Droves of people will be lining up to die for a cause they don’t really believe in as the usual military industrial complex leadership will make millions of dollars off of this potential blockbuster. Keep in mind however, this is just a working title. It is entire possible that the budget gets increased and the Cold War 2 winds up with a different name.

What would that name be? Well, if it winds up getting split into two features, which seems to be en vogue at the moment, we could be looking at a much longer, robust war with an ever larger cast of characters. We’re talking a franchise spanning crossover of a different beast. Yes, you guessed it, this could turn out to be World War 3: We Ain’t Fighting For Me. The speculation runs high and all the critics are already rearing up to to either love or hate it. I know one thing for sure, it’s going to be a huge hit in the south.

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