5 Things We’re Surprised We Didn’t Find In Mike Pence’s E-Mails

Fear this man, for he will be the ruination of your soul.
Fear this man, for he will be the ruination of your soul.

As you may have heard, Mike Pence was using a private e-mail address for work and was phished out of his information in some ridiculous scheme reminiscent of the Nigerian Prince spam you and I always ignore. We ignore it because we’re beings of logic, reason and intellect. The same can’t generally be said of someone who is homophobic, thinks you can pray the gay away and who replaced that hacked e-mail address with an AOL account. Come on now, AOL? Does he also surf the internet on WebTV?

Anyhow, we’ve been able to go through those e-mails and while we can go into detail about how boring it is to work in Indiana government, we’d rather tell you what we were shocked to NOT find in those e-mails.

  1. Racist Memes 
    Sure, they start out innocently enough, with some joke about a Mexican guy in a sombrero saying “started from the border, now we’re here,” but then they usually wind up unearthing a deeper, more racist approach in a bold fashion that is a bit more than we want to experience. While we saw a few weird Obama memes in his e-mails, any traces of racism were shockingly not to be found.
  2. That New Healthcare Plan That Is So Hard To Find
    The Senate Republicans can’t seem to find that new healthcare plan that was designed to replace The Affordable Care Act, aka “Obamacare,” with something that would be better. They spent a bunch of time looking for it in a few rooms and wouldn’t let anyone else in to help them. It was like a kid saying he just can’t find his homework, but he knew he did it, as he makes a spectacle in front of the class looking for a piece of paper that only he knows doesn’t exist. We were hopeful that it would be found in Mike Pence’s e-mails, but no, it was all for naught.
  3. Grindr Account Confirmation E-Mails
    We feel like there is a little bit of “The lady doth protest too much, methinks,” in Pence, except in this case it’s not a lady, but Mike Pence. His full on initiative against homosexuals is reminiscent of some other far-right, anti-gay politicians that wound up being found with other men in bathrooms, board rooms and other tight spaces that they thought they would not be found. We were very shocked to not see any Grindr profile evidence or other traces of pent-up, self-hating, man love in his E-Mails, but we did see an Amazon order receipt for a Midnight Cowboy DVD. Cheap-ass Pence wouldn’t even spring for Blu-Ray version. It’s only $4 more, Mikey. Jeez.
  4. Orders From His Robot Overlords
    We already told you that we think that Mike Pence Is A Replicant Android, so we were expecting to find some doomsday scenario punched out in binary code from his robot overlords. It would make sense that if he’s an older model of android, he wouldn’t have built-in wi-fi access. Let’s face it, Apple would force them to pay more for such an average convenience and act like it’s some new, bold feature. If he was an android with wi-fi capabilities, he wouldn’t need an e-mail address. He could just download the data directly. That’s probably the only reason we could give to absolve him of our suspicions of his robotic tendencies.
  5.  Pictures Of Little Boys
    Let’s face it, something has to be wrong with this guy. We’re all waiting for the hammer to fall. Whether it’s a murder that he covered up, an addiction to painkillers or ties to a kiddie porn ring, there is just this sense that he is a goddamn creepy, terrible human being. We were half expecting to find picture of little boys in viking suits or some other terrible thing, but to our relief, there was none. Now, this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have people chained up in his basement, waiting on his inevitable return to torture and then possibly eat them, but if he does, we couldn’t find any evidence of it. We still think that we will eventually find something to prove that he’s as incredibly monstrous as we think he is, but we shall have to wait for him to drop his guard.

All in all, we’re fairly relieved that none of these things were found, as who needs more negative stereotypes to play out for groups of people that don’t want to be associated with this man, but we still have a terrible feeling he’s going to prove us right and do something monstrous, like eat a puppy or finance an Ishtar remake. Time will tell.