Americans Terrified By Sample Ballot Showing More Than 4 Candidates For President

This way to your doom!
This way to your doom!

Darrell Castle vs. Monica Moorehead? How about Rocky Roque De La Fuente vs. Alyson Kennedy? Does Gloria La Riva ring a bell for you? No? Well, don’t you fret, no one else knows who they are, either!

The sample ballots are in and Americans are terrified at all these “ethnic sounding names” on the ballot! If you thought Barack Obama sounded exotic, you’re totally going to get goosebumps and a semi-chub reading the full list of presidential candidates in the United States. Other, less cultured Americans, however, will be purely horrified at the thought that so many foreigners, that were all born in the USA, have infiltrated their precious little ballots.

“I knew about Jill Stein and that Johnson guy, but what the hell is it with all these Latino names on the ballot? I never heard of them before. I mean, I was okay with Hillary Clinton running for president, even though she’s a she, but I have to call a spade a spade, or a spade a spic or whatever you want to call it. These Spanish names just don’t do it for me. They don’t sound very American to me,” said Hector La Rosa, an Italian man from Las Cruces, which is in Doña Ana County, New Mexico. “Why weren’t they on the debates? I watched all three of those things and it was just Hillary and Trump. If they were real candidates, they would have been on there!”

Unfortunately, independent candidates don’t get to debate with Republicans and Democrats on a national level unless they reach 15% of the total votes in the electorate. The odds of that, however, are basically slim to none, especially when so many of the 3rd party candidates are Hispanic or at least carry the Hispanic or “ethnic” names of their parentage. Even the white candidates couldn’t muster up that kind of support, simply because they came off too much like the “nerds” in the back of the class, laughing when people were making fun of them to their face, or because they were just really high every time someone asked them really important questions. We’re looking at you, Gary Johnson.

So, when someone asks you who you supported, and you give them a 3rd party name, just know that even that name will get you judgment, staring and a whole lot of WTF?! from the people you might stop calling your friends after November 8th.