CNN Now Offers Free, Incorrect Legal Advice

The giant globe outside the CNN offices, where dreams are made, dumb things are said and election coverage is annoying.
The giant globe outside the CNN offices, where dreams are made, dumb things are said and election coverage is annoying.

If you’ve been worried about clicking on those WikiLeaks links, reading up on your favorite or least favorite presidential candidate and maybe being manipulated by foreign hacktivists, well, you should worry, at least according to CNN. As part of its initiative to dole out free, incorrect legal advice, CNN told people that reading leaked classified documents was illegal, unless you were at CNN.

For those who have been wondering, that is complete and utter bullshit. You do, however, need to realize that you get what you pay for. Unsolicited, free legal advice, is usually wrong. It is also going to almost always be wrong when the person telling you this information has everything to gain from becoming the exclusive place to get freely available, and now very-public, information.

We’re not sure what wrong things they will tell you next, but we have nice little preview of it. Feast on these doozies that will be coming out of the CNN Legal Handbook, very soon!

  • It’s not rape if they are sleeping. This is what we like to call the Cee Lo Green defense. How can it be rape if they didn’t say no? I mean, you can’t say no unless you’re talking in your sleep, right? And that could be because you’re dreaming of something else that has nothing to do with consensual sex, so even if they say no in their sleep, that just might be a no they are answering to a different question. Maybe in their dream someone is asking them, “Do you want to not have sex?” If they answer no to that, they are really saying yes to sex, so there you go!
  • It’s only murder if you get caught. Well, this has to be from the very basic section of the  of CNN Legal Handbook. I mean, we all kind of know this one. Sure, you might have killed in cold blood, but it’s not “real” until you screw up and leave some evidence that leads to you.
  • Alternate side of the street parking means you can pick whichever side you want. Oh, those jerks over at CNN are really screwing with us, now. This is dirty pool, folks. First they want to act like they have exclusive, free, public information you can only get from them and now they’re just setting us up for parking tickets. Those savages.
  • You can raise the rent to whatever price you want. I don’t know a lot about housing laws, but I know this can’t really be true. Right? It has to be fake. I mean, outside of NY, at least.
  • Copy and paste all those things they tell you to on Facebook, or else the good things won’t happen and the bad things will. Okay, it’s time to burn down the offices of CNN. They love to help spread stupidity, falsehoods, misdirection, misinformation and hysteria. But this… this is just taking it too far. Don’t you ever repost those stupid chain messages on Facebook!

So, there you have it. CNN hates us and wants us all to die. That’s the only conclusion we can come up with for why they would spread these horrible, terrible, fake, bad legal advice.