Hillary Clinton Hit With Zombie Plague But Is “Feeling Better”

Does she want your spare change or to bite off your shins? It's hard to tell these days.
Does she want your spare change or to bite off your shins? It’s hard to tell these days.

As the DNC scrambles to figure out what to do in this very terse situation, camp Clinton has already released a press release to ease people’s minds and curb voter drop off.

After paying her respects at the 9/11 Memorial, Hillary Clinton was feeling ill and had to be dismissed and driven away. While the public and media speculated on all types of situations that could have caused her decline in health, the wait for an official reason was not wrong.

Amid fake leaks of her having a battle with Parkinson’s disease, Alzheimer’s and other ailments that were names followed by apostrophes and an “s”, the Clinton campaign released a statement that most weren’t expecting, but were very welcome to hear.

Hillary Clinton has contacted the zombie plague, and that’s pretty okay. They also stated that she was “feeling better” but we had no more information given beyond that. The good news with this is that depending on where she was bit, they might be able to just cut that flesh off, and she’ll be good to go. At the very worse, she’ll die and become a zombie. Now, we know that sounds terrifying, but let’s think this through.

Zombie Hillary Clinton is still a better choice for president than Donald Trump. In fact, she would probably be higher in the polls than she already is because who doesn’t like to see a zombie? That would just be awesome. Even the most staunch Republicans would rather vote for a zombie Hillary.

On top of of that, a zombie is someone the majority of the United States can really identify with. People lose it when they see Obama high fiving someone or quoting popular movies and music, but imagine how they will react when Hillary is “just like us.” I mean, thoughtlessly going through your day, moving forward, slowly, for just one particular goal, while ignoring just about everything else that doesn’t interest you. That sounds a hell of a lot like most of the USA and that is the entire existance of a zombie. Give me food or get out of my way. That could even wind up being the campaign slogan.

So, for those of you freaking out about Hillary Clinton’s health, worry no more. This might be the best case scenario we’ve all been waiting it. Finally, a zombie candidate for an unthinking, pacified, zombie populace.