Sports Are More Important Than Anything Else, Ever

Even though we love American Football, we still have to admit that so many of the fans are just awful.
Even though we love American Football, we still have to admit that so many of the fans are just awful.

In recent memory, there have been many atrocities committed by unsavory human beings on the soils of this great nation. Psychotic killers, shooting innocent civilians in Orlando, police brutalizing young men and women without real justification and people afraid to just about go anywhere because they might get shot. You do not, however, want to mess with our sports. How dare you, Colin Kaepernick?

American Football is America’s favorite pastime. While they actually call baseball that nickname, we all know that’s not even close to being true. Football is where it’s at. Football is the end all, be all of the utmost freedom and happiness. This well-structured game that pits giant men against each other, is simply the pinnacle of our free society. Nothing says freedom quite like adhering to strict rules, regulations, point systems, and being reprimanded for it when you don’t.

How can you be free in a world where our football players could be convicted of rape? That would be un-American. They are providing us with the highest form of entertainment ever made and we want to tell them that there are women out there that they can’t have? That’s just insane. They can have whoever they want. They can have me if they want, and I’m not even a woman.

How can we convict them of murder? Why, what would that do? What good would sending a player to jail for murder do? Certainly not as much good as letting him go, free, to continue playing this important game that sets us apart from the rest of the world. Yes, only American Football is American. It doesn’t matter than many of our players have come from other countries to do their best with us, they are now American… even those Canadians. Nothing else in the world is like it, except maybe rugby and soccer, a little bit. They’re still not really the same, as long as you keep blinking.

The NFL doesn’t even have to pay taxes. How could they be more American? A giant company in the USA should always get a huge tax break or pay no taxes at all and let the little guys like you and me foot the bill. It makes me feel even MORE American to know that I am paying way more taxes, thanks to organizations like the NFL, that get to pay nothing. It means I’m even more of a patriot than I was if I was paying way fewer taxes or getting more back for what I am paying for.

Now, beyond all those other things, Colin Kaepernick disgusts me because he made us stop talking about the game. We’re not talking about his stats or scores. We’re not talking about the sport anymore. He’s distracting us from the game by making us think about black men and women being killed more on a percentage level by cops around the United States. Do you want to think about that? I sure as hell don’t. That’s just depressing and sometimes boring. I mean, it’s been going on for so long, why would we want to stop it now? No one seems to be able to do anything about it so why bother worrying about it? I just want to watch football and only think of football when football is on. How could his rich ass make me think of other, depressingly real things? I want to escape into the fantasy where it’s men against other men, wearing logos of animals, chemistry symbols, and racist depictions of human beings.

Sports are more important than everything, ever. They really are. Cancer doesn’t need to be cured unless it ruins our game. Guns don’t need to be talked about unless it ruins the game. Children dying of diseases are in so many commercials during the games, but we don’t care about them. We just want those things to be over so we can see more game!

Colin Kaepernick is selfish. He took away our joy of the game by making us have to acknowledge the big, brown-skinned elephant in the room. We didn’t even have the option of ignoring it because it’s all everyone is talking about. Everyone is upset that he ruined their moment of that song, that we sing only at sports games, that is supposed to show our love for the country. I mean, that’s how important sports are, that everything that is patriotic in the USA only happens at those games. Really, think about the last time you sang the Star Spangled Banner that wasn’t at a sports event. I bet you didn’t even get the words right. I know I sometimes don’t, because I’m so excited about the football that is about to happen.

So, let’s stop talking about black lives mattering. We know they do, or else we wouldn’t have so many great football players, right? I mean, we’re letting them have millions of dollars to do exactly what we want them to, and just adhere to some strict rules and put on a show for us. How dare any of them claim that freedom isn’t granted when they just have to follow those rules for us to respect them?! Freedom isn’t just saying whatever you want or talking about what’s bothering you, it’s also knowing when to shut up and just do as you’re told. Now shut up and have some freedom.