U.S. Drone Strike Kills Afghan Civilians, But It’s Okay Because They’re Brown

If you see this above you, know that it's the last thing you're ever going to see.
If you see this above you, know that it’s the last thing you’re ever going to see.

The U.N. Assistance Mission in Afghanistan (UNAMA) has reported that the USA has killed 15 people and injured 13 in Afghanistan, of which the victims were civilians, including students, a teacher, and members of families, plus a couple of Islamic State militants here and there. The USA applauded the attack, stating that the loss of life is “okay” because if 15 brown people have to get killed to make sure that just 2 or 3 bad ones died, it’s worth it.

While unmanned air vehicle strikes have become more commonplace in warfare, the absolute anonymity of the victims and lack of responsibility in dealing with the collateral damage has been the strongest benefit to the military in these situations. It’s not fun knowing the faces of the innocent people you killed. It’s tough to live with that knowledge. What a burden.

“Well, if we’re going to stick to ISIS, we’re going to need to take out a whole lot of people to make sure it we get them, good. I rather have a drone go out there and kill 400 people just so that we know that at least 2o of them are the bad guys. At the very least, it means less Americans will have to die, you know? No foot battle here means your 19 year old son doesn’t have to get killed just to take out a few Allah lovin’ sons o bitches.” Colonel Kevin Franklin-Charles Sanders went on to add that while almost everyone killed in this strike is believed to be non-militants, and were most likely good, decent human beings, with at least a handful of students, it was okay because “they weren’t American men.”

An astound 0 American lives were lost in this drone strike, shocking no one when the target was a gathering of people that were welcoming back an elder that had just completed the Hajj pilgrimage to Mecca, otherwise known as “where we expect no Americans to be.”

“They were all sleeping. That’s the best time to get ’em, you know? Never let them know you’re coming. Plus, if you think about it, we’re doing them a favor. If they aren’t an ISIS member, think about how peaceful it must be to just go to sleep and die. You’d never know you were being blown to bits by our beautiful, shiny strike drones. One second you’re snoring away, cuddling your blanky and the next you’re put out of your misery, fertilizing the sand around you. It’s kind of beautiful once you think about it,” Colonel Sanders said, with a single tear in his eye.

Another victory for Americans that bleed red, white and blue and people without tans, in general.