A Historical shift begins today, as the GOP-led House has voted to impeach Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas. He is now the first Cabinet secretary to be impeached in nearly 150 years, but once folks found out he was Cuban, it was no surprise to them.

“Oh, well, I mean, he sure looked like one of us, but we knew deep down inside something was wrong whenever he told anyone his name. THEN you could hear the Mexican come out,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “Oh, no. I know he’s Cuban, but Cubans are just a different brand of Mexican. Like, Diet-Mexican, I guess? I dunno, I don’t really know much about all the different types of Mexicans there are out there. Like what’s the difference between a Dominican and Puerto Rican Mexican? Right? Who knows?!”

Overtly disgusted by the ignorant and racist statements coming out of the House GOP, Democrats are trying to mobilize against the rhetoric, but think they may need to use it to their advantage, first. “Oh, we’re going to slip some things into the bill to get aid to Israel and Ukraine. Since the GOP doesn’t really know geography very well, we will refer to the Ukraine and Israel as parts of Texas needing funds to keep out Mexicans at their border. This should pass, easy,” offered up House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries.

It’s not the worst idea. Republicans are definitely the Elmer Fudds of politics and thus a Bugs Bunny style trick like this may very well work.

The post House GOP Impeaches Cuban-American Alejandro Mayorkas Because “Cubans Are Just A Different Brand Of Mexican” first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

As we are all eagerly awaiting the results of the many secret probes happening in Washington DC, the anticipation on word about the definite collusion of Donald Trump’s campaign with Russian intelligence is highest on our priority list. We’ve been digging deep while these probes are happening, and it looks like we may have found a few bombshells of our own.

Tied to Donald Trump’s Twitter account were a few of his apps. One of those apps, Spotify, had recently been removed, however, nothing on the internet goes away for good. Our savvy tech team took it upon themselves to gain access to his favorite playlists, and sure enough, we found something.

Amidst all the creepy songs like, Maurice Chevalier’s “Thank Heaven For Little Girls”, The Mills Brothers “Daddy’s Little Girl” and The Police’s “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” were the entire Gorky Park discography. If you’re not familiar with Gorky Park, they are a Russian glam band that hit it big in the USA with their first major release, featuring the single “Bang.”

With lyrics like “Give it in or give it out, We can blow it up!” and “Bang bang, say ‘da da da!’ Nothin’ less, I want to hear a yes!” it’s clear to see why he was obsessed with this band and Russia in general. The idea of explosions, blowing things up and not taking no for an answer all appeal to a man who has been threatening to nuke our “enemies” and likes to brag about grabbing the genitals of women who are not interested or available to him. Considering his obvious past as a sexual harassment trial waiting to happen, a song that showcases his rapey ways makes perfect sense in his library. The lack of an extensive vocabulary also appeals to Trump, as he generally can’t handle more than a few words in a short period of time.

Considering his obvious attraction to women from Slavic countries and Eastern Europe in general, it’s no surprise that his fandom of all things Russian would extend itself to USSR relics, bad hair and glam metal bands from that period and the comedy of Yakov Smirnoff.

We’re hoping to dig deeper and find more clues into his past, but we need to get beyond the 700+ tracks of Kids Bop that are impeding our progress on his playlists.

The post Trump’s Secret Soviet Past Tied To Gorky Park first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

In a surprise announcement, the White House confirmed today that it threw out a bag of rotting cottage cheese two weeks ago. This information came as a surprise to many as they thought that disgusting bag of stinking, white refuse would never be tossed out into the garbage where it belongs.

Oddly enough, the sent of rancid, dairy air can still be detected all around the White House as hardly anyone noticed a change.

“It’s still awful in here. I mean, just this weekend were were asking ourselves when the gross lumps of regurgitated cow fat would be out of here since the influence was felt in every speech that Trump had to deliver. We had no idea that it had already been sent to the landfill,” an unnamed White House aide that did not want to be identified told us.

Considering the intense rotten smells and feeling that hangs heavy in the air of Washington DC, many were shocked to see that getting rid of this sack of curdling curds did nothing to stop horrid reality we’ve all had to live with there for the past few months.

There was no reason given for why this rancid sack of scum was thrown out but we just as soon accepted the notion that there is never a reason needed to get rid of stinking slop and unwanted rubbish.

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While the rest of the United States was shocked and mortified over the sudden realization that World War 2 never quite ended, the head Nazi-In-Chief set his sights on starting World War 3.

Determined to out-nuke each other, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un sent each other text messages, tweets and passive-aggressive e-mails detailing just how bigger and better one’s nuclear prowess was. The two child-like menaces spent hours gambling with millions of lives hanging in the balance, as they sorted out their obvious hang-ups with the need to over-compensate for their fragile masculinity and tiny genitalia.

Finally, they agreed to a cock-fight to be held in a yet unnamed neutral territory which will be televised the world over. The United States has enlisted the help of James Cameron to use his film-making ingenuity and technological background in order to be able to capture the micro-penis sword-fight to the death in full detail.

The date for this bought is currently being finalized, as well as the rules and regulations. In order to avoid potential war crimes, very specific details are being hashed out, like the banning of any outside ordinance, such as implants, chemical enhancements or stunt-cocks from being used in the fight.

Security will be beefed up at this event, as the obvious fix for most of the world’s problems would be to eradicate these two morons off of the face of the planet, but we can’t have nice things so instead we’ll have to deal with them both existing for the moment.

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It has been a strange year for politics, especially in Washington, but things are about to get a whole lot stranger.

Sean Spicer, the now-former White House Press Secretary has resigned thanks to the appointing of a new Communications Director by President Donald Trump. Considering all that Trump has done up to this point, most analysts are mystified as to why this has broken the proverbial camel’s back.

With all the other bad choices that have come about, the appointing of Gollum as the Communications Director is really no surprise. He has an addiction problem, multiple personality disorder, a speech impediment and is otherwise terrible at communication all together. Of course he would be Trump’s first pick.

Sean Spicer was unavailable for comments but we did catch up with Gollum who gave us this short response you can listen, right here:

“*inaudible* We does not care about greedy fat hobbitses… Sean Spicer… Master wants us to keep going as if nothing is happening. You see, if we be nice to press, then press be nice to us… and all will be forgotten. *inaudible*”

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Donald Trump has seemingly had a Twitter problem from the moment he joined the social network, but things are spiraling out of control, darkly. We’re used to him commenting on TV, whether it’s what show is on that night, something said on the news he doesn’t agree with or critiquing someone who took his job. There are a ton of different reasons why he would take to Twitter to run his mouth, but none of them are ever really “good” reasons.

Well, Today’s ranting might be his worst and could possibly get him removed from the service.

It started innocently enough, with him talking about the Tony Awards and making his complaints, as usual.

And then a little bit more on edge, but still what we’ve come to expect from the big, orange goofball:

And then it took a turn for the bizarre, dark and eventually sad. He is becoming unhinged and I’m terrified of what that might cause him to do next:



He needs help and he needs it soon. He’s unhinged and this country is much worse for the wear with these revealing thoughts of his in an obvious moment of weakness.

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When it comes to choosing the next FBI Director, President Donald Trump has had to fight against his baser instincts and cronyism. While the choices are numerous, most folks were expecting for the POTUS (Piece of Trash Ugly Senior) to go with Chris Christie. Christie, however, has been battling a monstrous plunge in his approval ratings, the bridge-gate scandal and a loss of self-control now that Krispy Kreme Doughnuts has been expanding all over New Jersey.

Considering all of this weight and baggage that Christie brings with him to any potential office, Donald Trump decided to do the next best thing and nominate his baggage handler.

Being responsible for all of the heavy baggage that Chris Christie has to travel with is not the same as actually being Chris Christie, so all of this bag and sack handling won’t taint him quite as much.

This baggage handler is responsible for fiddling with whatever is in Christie’s trunks, often palming a sack here or tossing a bag on his back to carry Christie’s load.

Considering how noxious Donald Trump has become to the average human being with any kind of rational capacity, it’s amazing to see just how low Chris Christie’s bank-ability has become. He’s become election and political poison, causing even the worst people in the USA to turn their backs on him. Could this be the boost he needed to turn his political career around?

Most likely not.

The rest of us didn’t like him before this, so now it’s just everyone agreeing that he’s a big piece of crap. It really doesn’t matter who’s carrying his bags, but if the President’s nomination holds, Christie is going to have to grapple and tug on his own bag from now on.

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In a stunning victory for black market organ dealers and 3rd world unlicensed surgeons, 217 American House Republicans unknowingly signed up to have their kidneys, livers and other internal organs harvested.

As they fought to dismantled the Affordable Care Act, they had no idea that they were signing themselves up to be found cold, naked and confused in a bathtub filled with ice. As a major blow against the average human in the USA was dealt, those in black market medical practices are incredibly happy with today’s outcome.

“We’re going to do so much business with these parts. It’s going to be like Christmas for anyone who needs a good kidney. You see, these senators and congressmen all have decent health plans and they don’t care what they do to anyone else’s lives, so they are perfect organ candidates. We generally don’t give a crap about where these organs come from, as long as they are nice, fresh and clean. Having decent healthcare, however, narrows down our targets, immensely. Sure, the Democrats would be nice targets, too, but we rather get processing organs from people who don’t smoke so much weed,” street-level surgeon, Siddhartha “The Slicer” Singh told us, today.

Since the average american will be losing their healthcare, the prospects are narrowed down to those with money or cushy government jobs. With these folks just lining up to support a system where amateur medicine, self-medicating and home remedies take over the affordable prospects of healthcare, it only makes sense that they also be viewed as the first folks to steal organs from when they are needed.

There is no word on when the first organs will be harvested but we expect a few “accidents” will be happening shortly.

The post 217 Republican Names Have Been Added To Black Market Organ Harvesting List first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

While the United States has to deal with rampant misogyny, sexism, racism, rape culture and the constant licking and sniffing of the glass ceiling, France is trying to change how we see women in power and remove all hope from our thoughts. As Marine Le Pen, the head of the National Front and potential new leader of the French world, makes her way towards the croissant office, she takes a new approach of hate, ignorance and bigotry usually only associated with male politicians.

This all-new, all-different, gender-swapped reboot of the Brexit and Trump mistakes, that have shown just how stupid the planet is, hopes to assert that, yes, women can be vapid, bigoted, racist and the crappy offspring of awful politicians, too.

Shockingly enough, we have not observed much of the French media having any discussions about her attire, style, looks or attractiveness. A large contrast to what would happen if she was running for leadership in the United States, we might prefer to have those crappy things happen here than have her try to ruin our already ruined political landscape any further.

Marine Le Pen, who’s name roughly translates to Water The Pen, could potentially join Kim Jong Un, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin as the most made fun of, hard to take seriously heads of state that wound up taking over their countries and becoming more memes than actual leaders.

The post Marine Le Pen Determined To Prove Women Are Equally Awful first appeared on The Hoof And Trunk Post.

While most people associate Mountain Dew to be the beverage of extremism, the USA has launched an attack on a Syrian air base using 59 Tomahawk missiles loaded to the brim with Pepsi.

Now known as the soda of peace and tolerance, US Officials told us that the hope was that the Assad regime would take in some of the sweet soft drink and “chill the f*ck out.”

Usually known to kill people through the classic means, like diabetes and cancer, Pepsi falling from the sky is sure to be a new, cool refreshing way to die. There is no more fitting way fore the USA to show it’s force an power than to overload the bodies of dying Syrians with high-fructose corn syrup.

After the chemical strikes happened recently, killing 100 civilians, the USA decided it needed to #jointheconversation and intervene with a bold, crisp taste that sweetens the smile and stops the hearts of the oppressive.

As of this time neither the White House press secretary nor Pepsi’s PR agency were available for comments.

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