US Launches 59 Missiles Loaded With Pepsi At Syria

Pepsi: Die For Now!
Pepsi: Die For Now!

While most people associate Mountain Dew to be the beverage of extremism, the USA has launched an attack on a Syrian air base using 59 Tomahawk missiles loaded to the brim with Pepsi.

Now known as the soda of peace and tolerance, US Officials told us that the hope was that the Assad regime would take in some of the sweet soft drink and “chill the f*ck out.”

Usually known to kill people through the classic means, like diabetes and cancer, Pepsi falling from the sky is sure to be a new, cool refreshing way to die. There is no more fitting way fore the USA to show it’s force an power than to overload the bodies of dying Syrians with high-fructose corn syrup.

After the chemical strikes happened recently, killing 100 civilians, the USA decided it needed to #jointheconversation and intervene with a bold, crisp taste that sweetens the smile and stops the hearts of the oppressive.

As of this time neither the White House press secretary nor Pepsi’s PR agency were available for comments.